Taxi Driver (1976)
Why It’ll Never Be Remade: Forget the fact that it’s already damn-near perfect. It’ll take a lot more than that to put Hollywood off the remake scent! No, the reason we can’t see this ever being remade is that the post-Vietnam backdrop that makes Travis Bickle the way he is is almost unrecognisable some 25 years later. Plus, good luck finding anyone willing to step into De Niro’s shoes… or Jodie Foster’s for that matter!
If They Have To Do It: We suppose you could have a veteran from the Iraq war making his embittered way through a post-9/11 New York, with maybe Tom Hardy taking the lead role. But we still wouldn’t want to see it!
Evil Bong (2006)
Why It’ll Never Be Remade: Taking aside the fact that Tommy Chong has essentially been remaking the same movie throughout his career, it beggars belief that this stoner-horror nonsense was even made once, suggesting a remake is highly unlikely. Although Killer Klowns From Outer Space is apparently being redone, so perhaps we shouldn’t speak so soon…
If They Have To Do It: Hmm, how to improve upon Evil Bong ? Well, they could draft in Gary Busey for a start. The Gingerdead Man makes a fleeting appearance in the first film… more of that please!
Mulholland Drive (2001)
Why It’ll Never Be Remade: Can you imagine anything less appealing to a major studio than a remake of David Lynch’s incomprehensible thriller? Or indeed, a more thankless task than the one facing the project’s potential director? No, us neither. In fact, we reckon Lynch’s entire canon is probably safe from Hollywood’s grasping hands…
If They Have To Do It: Perhaps a handy sheet of tips, clues and explanations could be provided in the cinema foyer? The DVD case was a start, but your average cinemagoer might need a little more…
Leprechaun In The Hood (2000)
Why It’ll Never Be Remade: Because it’s arguably the dumbest example of high concept filmmaking ever to reach a mainstream audience, and the late-nineties/ early-noughties boom in cod-gangsta posturing has thankfully now passed. Even if you liked the unhinged mayhem of the first film, Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood proved the “magic” was hard to recreate.
If They Have To Do It: Have David Simon and Ed Burns do the script to invest a little grit into proceedings. Keep Warwick Davis though, obviously.
All Dogs Go To Heaven (1989)
Why It’ll Never Be Remade: A children’s film in which the vagaries of life and death, heaven and hell are explained via the medium of dogs? This kind of thing was rife in the ‘80s, but these days, kiddie entertainment is a lot more risk-averse. Plunging a loveable pooch into the fire and brimstone of eternal damnation is no longer on the agenda…
If They Have To Do It: Pixar would definitely be the way forward. The brush with fiery death at the end of Toy Story 3 proved they’re up for taking on more “challenging” material…
Gone With The Wind (1939)
Why It’ll Never Be Remade: They wouldn’t dare, would they? Rightly held up as a classic of modern filmmaking, surely even the most cynical of Hollywood bigwigs would balk at the outcry provoked by an attempted remake. Even if that wouldn’t bother them, Victor Fleming’s sweeping, stately romance would probably struggle to put bums on seats when up against the bells, whistles and 3D-explosions on offer at the average multiplex!
If They Have To Do It: George Clooney steps into Clark Gable’s shoes whilst Nicole Kidman takes Vivien Leigh’s role. Urgh… for a minute there we forgot we were making this up!
Pink Flamingos (1972)
Why It’ll Never Be Remade: Not only was John Waters’ original a notorious controversy-magnet (anathema to most mainstream studios), it was also populated by a colourful cast of real-life freaks and whack jobs, many of whom are no longer with us. How do you re-cast an overweight drag queen with a penchant for eating dogshit? It’s a poser…
If They Have To Do It: Perhaps John Waters could preside over the remake himself, stirring up a fresh batch of controversy by digging up Divine’s corpse and operating it like a marionette? Just a thought.
Citizen Kane (1941)
Why It’ll Never Be Remade: For the same reasons as Gone With The Wind , largely. Not only would the idea be widely regarded as sacrilege, but the twist ending has now been parodied to the point of no return! That said, it would be interesting to see a modern-day interpretation, factoring in the struggle between print and online media, but it’s never going to happen, is it? Not until Rupert Murdoch decides to finance his own biopic…
If They Have To Do It: Mel Gibson stars as barmy, megalomaniac publisher Robert Mardock. That, we would pay to see.
Reservoir Dogs (1992)
Why It’ll Never Be Remade: Every remotely snappy crime script released in the last twenty years has been forced to contend with inevitable and unfavourable comparisons to Quentin Tarantino’s masterpiece. So when a completely unrelated film is hamstrung by a failure to measure up to Reservoir Dogs , what chance would an out-and-out remake stand?
If They Have To Do It: Is there anyone cool enough to take on these roles? No. So why not turn it over to Judd Apatow and make a stoner comedy out of it? We can see it now: Seth Rogen is Mr Green…
2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
Why It’ll Never Be Remade: Taking aside the fact that the Kubrick estate would never let it happen, would any modern movie studio be remotely interested in a remake of this weighty, slow-moving epic? Nary a word is spoken for the first twenty-five minutes! That shit won’t fly these days. There would have to be a few car chases written into the script for Tinseltown to even consider giving this a second look.
If They Have To Do It: Stephen King is put on script duties, allowing him to get even with Kubrick for The Shining .
