Clive Owen
Another great screen presence, but one whose performances generally break down into the same repeated sequence of ‘intense stare, gruff indifference, surprising warmth, intense stare…’
It’s a fine line between charismatically stoic and wooden, as this scene from Croupier shows.
Why We Don't Care: Sin City is a masterclass in intense stare, gruff indifference, surprising warmth, intense stare acting.
Kevin Costner
There’s a reason Costner’s Oscars have come for his behind the camera work – he’s overpoweringly bland in front of it. There’s a tedious nobility to his most famous roles that makes him passable but forgettable. Like porridge, with a mullet.
Why We Don't Care: He's invented a machine to help clean up the BP oil spill. The man is a hero.
Melanie Griffith
Sometimes when one-time sex starlets get a little older and the roles dry up it’s a sad and frustrating symptom of Hollywood’s inability to produce good stories about grown-up women.
And sometimes it’s just maybe means they were no good in the first place.
Why We Don't Care: Aw, come on! It's Melanie Griffith! How can you hate Melanie Griffith? She's awful in Cherry 2000, but that doesn't stop it from being a trash classic.
Mark Wahlberg
Wahlberg’s heavy reliance on a small rotation of tics and mannerisms was lasered by Adam Sandberg’s ‘Talks To The Animals’ skit (painfully so – Wahlberg called Sandberg out before PRing his way out of a fight).
The fact is Wahlberg’s a likeable, watchable presence. But stretch him past ‘angry guy’ or ‘nice tough guy’ and you get ‘idiot guy’.
Why We Don't Care: Considering he first came to our attention in a band called Marky Mark & The Funky Bunch, the fact that he's had even one iconic role - in The Departed - is pretty amazing.
David Caruso
Twenty years ago the fiery, psychotic-William-Shatner-on-a-bender mannerisms of a young Caruso made for an engaging supporting turn in King Of New York.
Now, on a weekly rotation on bland formula TV, it’s comically threadbare.
Why We Don't Care: One of the fundamental rules of comedy is repetition. By that rational, Caruso is a comic genius.
Orlando Bloom
The further we get from the Rings phenomenon, the more obscene Orlando Bloom’s stardom seems. Unbelievable in anything not involving swords and rousing music, and quickly running out of epics, it’ll be interesting to see what he does post-Pirates.
And by ‘interesting’ we totally mean ‘hilarious’.
Why We Don't Care : That bit where he skateboarded down the Olyphant in Return Of The King. Robert De Niro couldn't have done that.
Paul Walker
There are two big giveaways to the fact Paul Walker doesn’t have a thesping bone in his body. The first is if you close your eyes and try to imagine his expressive, actorly face all you can think of is a wirey haircut and a set of bleached Henge teeth.
And the second is that his best scenes ever have taken place underwater, silently.
Why We Don't Care: Jamie Graham thinks that Paul Walker is our generation's Marlon Brando. No, we don't know why either.
Vince Vaughn
Past the garrulous sweaty-palmed lad-act, what the hell has Vince Vaughn ever done in the way of acting? Torn apart Anthony Perkins’ brilliantly flittering turn as Norman Bates in Gus Van Sant’s Psycho remake AND THAT IS ALL.
Why We Don't Care: You've got to have a level of respect for a man who managed to bag Brad Pitt's ex missus.
Jason Statham
Jason Statham is one of our favourite people to watch onscreen, but we can all be honest about the fact that what we enjoy him doing up there bears very little relation to acting.
Why We Don't Care: We have a feeling that The Method would only get in the way of The Stath's general awesomeosity.
Scarlett Johansson
Controversial, but sooner or later underplaying everything stops being the ironic mark of a generational spokeswoman, and starts being tedious to watch.
Why We Don't Care: Look at her. Just look at her.
