Star Wars The Musical
The Awesome: A bit of a cheat to include this one as “unofficial” given that it was a promo for a real performance of John Williams’ original score, but we’re having it anyway. Why? Because R2 is on the bongos, that’s why!
If It Was For An Actual Star Wars Film: Lucas cashes in on the Glee generation’s pocket money with Star Wars: The Musical , complete with a chorus line of dancing wookiees.
Loose Lips Bring Down Starships
The Awesome: Part of an excellent series of WW2 propaganda-inspired posters from artist Cliff Chiang, this “careless talk costs lives”-spoof is the pick of an excellent bunch. The Imperial goon’s startled expression is what really makes it…
If It Was For An Actual Star Wars Film: Ohhhhh, who do you think you are kidding Mr. Vader? Yes, it’s a Star Wartime drama, with Tie Fighters instead of Messerschmitts. “Don’t panic Mr. Skywalker!” etc. etc.
The Princess Bride
The Awesome: One of Matthew Ranzetta’s excellent movie mash-up series, the pleasingly retro artwork goes brilliantly with the deadpan tagline. Oh and we also like that R2 is crashing the party…
If It Was For An Actual Star Wars Film: We kind of like the idea of Lucas entirely re-writing Star Wars lore for a rebooted, fairytale version of the series’ central love story. And of course, by “like”, we mean “hate”.
Empire Records
The Awesome: It’s that man Ranzetta again, this time drawing an aesthetically pleasing parallel between the Death Star and a 12-inch record.
If It Was For An Actual Star Wars Film: A re-imagined timeline is documented in which it emerges that all the troubles in that far, far away galaxy actually stemmed from Vader’s ludicrous assertion that the Beatles were a poor man’s Monkees.
Father?
The Awesome: Luke’s journey on planet Dagobah reimagined as a nightmarish trip through his subconscious. Those trees ahead look weirdly familiar, don’t they? So, so cool.
If It Was For An Actual Star Wars Film: It would be a Lynchian bad trip through the tortured past of the Skywalker family, a film we’d actually quite like to see!
Chewie!
The Awesome: It’s everybody’s favourite wookiee, which is cause enough for celebration, but what we love about this is how badass he looks. Make no mistake, this Chewie is not going to be anybody’s comic foil…
If It Was For An Actual Star Wars Film: If George keeps insisting on tinkering with the franchise, he could at least challenge himself. Remaking one of his original trilogy, focusing entirely on Chewbacca, and with all the dialogue dubbed into Wookiee-ish howls would be one such challenge.
Tatooine
The Awesome: A wonderfully melancholic image of the desert planet, all bleached colours and minimalist design. Of all the posters on this list, we’d probably like this one most on the living room wall.
If It Was For An Actual Star Wars Film: It would be a mood-led character drama, with all lightsabre-based theatrics kept to a minimum. Right up Lucas’s alley then…
A New Hope
The Awesome: Yeah, okay, so it’s been done to death, but we still think the Luke/Obama parallel works better than most. In fact, Hamill would get our vote for president. If he were standing. And we were American.
If It Was For An Actual Star Wars Film: It would be a biting political satire, casting Vader as a Bush-esque war-monger and Luke as “the real alternative”. Which when you think about it, it already kind of is.
Boba's Story
The Awesome: This is how Boba Fett should be remembered…a righteous avenger, a ruthless assassin, a noble killer. Not a hapless fall-guy in a rather ill-judged piece of slapstick. Poor Boba.
If It Was For An Actual Star Wars Film: Perhaps it would cover the much-discussed specifics of Boba’s journey into the Sarlaac’s pit. Because as we all know, he didn’t really die, did he?
Size Matters Not
The Awesome: A wonderfully literal representation of just what the Rebel Alliance are up against, with Vader looking particularly omnipotent and menacing. Yoda’s nugget of wisdom simply provides the icing on the cake.
If It Was For An Actual Star Wars Film: It would be an inspirational fable about the little Jedi who could, with Warwick Davies drafted in to play Luke.
Jawa Sandcrawler
The Awesome: A brilliantly retro poster, borrowing heavily from the tourism adverts of the ‘50s and ‘60s. Once again, Tatooine is looking rather beautiful.
If It Was For An Actual Star Wars Film: It would be a spoof documentary, focusing on the daily struggle faced by the Jawas as they look to scavenge a living from Tatooine’s harsh and unyielding landscape.
Jedi Knights
The Awesome: It’s so smooth, it looks like a Campari advert. Like an intergalactic version of Kitchener’s recruitment drive, never has the Jedi code looked so alluring.
If It Was For An Actual Star Wars Film: The Jedis would be a troop of gentlemen warriors, leaving a trail of broken hearts in their wake as they dashingly set about saving the universe. *Swoon*
Kessel Run Tours
The Awesome: Another from illustrator Steve Thomas’s uber-cool range of retro tourism posters, this time advertising a chance to tag along on the Kessel Run. And which self-respecting Star Wars fan would turn their nose up at that?
If It Was For An Actual Star Wars Film: A melancholy picture of a life in decline, as a washed-up Han is reduced to recreating his daring flight for groups of gabbling tourists. When you’ve experienced the biggest high imaginable, where do you go from there?
Space Invaders
The Awesome: Minimalist awesomeness, with the Millenium Falcon doubling for the classic Space Invaders gunship, facing down a swarm of endless adversaries. Lovely stuff.
If It Was For An Actual Star Wars Film: It would be a reissue of Empire , but with every seat specially equipped with a plastic laser blaster, allowing the audience to join in the fun! God, can you imagine how awful this would be?
Inside R2
The Awesome: A brilliantly geeky blueprint design, offering a timely reminder that the universe’s most loveable droid is just a collection of nuts and bolts at the end of the day.
If It Was For An Actual Star Wars Film: An R2-D2 spin-off? It’s what we’ve always wanted! Oh well, until it actually happens, we guess we’ll have to make do with those Currys adverts.
Tusken Raider
The Awesome: Up close and personal with a Tusken raider, in this startling, and rather frightening portrait. Somehow we can’t get Leatherface out of our minds when looking at this one.
If It Was For An Actual Star Wars Film: A horror flick in which a bunch of luckless teens get themselves lost in the Tatooine desert, with only our Tusken friends for company…
The Sextology
The Awesome: We love an ensemble poster, and this one is cool enough to make even Jar-Jar’s presence welcome. Although the fact that the two trilogies are neatly split down the middle does invite a rather uncomfortable compare and contrast, quality-wise…
If It Was For An Actual Star Wars Film: It would be a bum-numbing 12-hour marathon of a movie. Expect Lucas to release it (in 3D, probably) sometime soon…
Trek Wars
The Awesome: It appeals to the fanboy in all of us…the Enterprise and the Death Star, together at last. Alright, so if it actually happened it’d probably a horribly uncomfortable series of in-jokes and culture-clash buffoonery, but still...Enterprise vs. Death Star!
If It Was For An Actual Star Wars Film: After some uncomfortable in-jokes? A fan of culture-clash buffoonery? You’ve come to the right film…
Fired
The Awesome: There are many of these internet mock-ups mining a similar seam of humour, but none that quite manages to sum up how dopey you’d feel if you were that particular storm trooper. It’s the tensely linked fingers that do it…
If It Was For An Actual Star Wars Film: It would be a bittersweet comedy about the travails of trying to find a job when your only reference is the human embodiment of evil.
The Endorian Job
The Awesome: It’s a pitch-perfect mash-up of loveable cockney capering and intergalactic warfare. We’re still waiting for a filmmaker to realise the two go hand in hand…
If It Was For An Actual Star Wars Film: It would be a feature-length retread of the Battle of Endor, with Michael Caine voicing Wicket W. Warrick and Nick Moran playing Luke. “Blaady hell lads, you wasn’t supposed to blow the whole blaady thing up! Oh wait, yeah you was.”
