Somewhere deep in your home is a writhing kraken composed of aged controllers and miles of unused cords. It's silently taunting you, daring you to assault its unchecked growth. You keep away for months, even years, scared to plunge into the brambles of ancient AV cables just for the sake of organization. Earlier this week, I dared to venture close and emerged victorious. Treasures were found, objects once thought lost were recovered and at least one potentially life-threatening discovery shook my expedition into wiry madness. But all that matters is I tamed the tangled cord beast.

Noooooo! The nightmare has begun.

After 20 minutes of careful threading, yanking and pulling, I whittled it down to this. Still so smashed together that you can dangle it all without anything falling out. Disgusting. Now, what strangeness might we find in here?

NES controller with "Happy 1993!" sticker from an issue of Nintendo Power. B Button doesn't work. Great!

Cheat to Win!(TM) with this vintage ASCII Pad. Only fools would dare play Mega Man X with a non-turbo controller. It also rattles when you shake it, the true mark of any classic controller.

Look, it's cutting edge infrared technology from Nintendo! No, not the Wii Remote, it's the Super Scope 6's sensor box from 1992.

Isn't it great waiting 14 years for marginally enhanced, tacky peripherals?

You can see the infrared shame.

Bouquet of Obsolescence. Also the name of the next Castlevania.