It’s not easy being a horse, especially a horse who likes to read. Why, just the other day I was at the library enjoying the latest Ken Burns book at the San Francisco public library, when a human female foal began tugging at my mane. The foul brat couldn’t have been more than three years old. I looked to the hell spawn’s mother for assistance. With her disgusting daughter elbow-deep in my mane screaming, “Pony! Pony!” at the top of her lungs, I was expecting the mother to untangle the sticky child from my mane, but was horrified when the she actually stepped onto my reading table, lifting up her daughter to place her on my back.
Do you humans even understand the basic rules of etiquette for your own human-made institutions? Libraries are meant to be quiet havens for lovers of literature. They are not petting zoos for your poor-mannered offspring. But I digress.
The reason I am here today is to report on an old YouTube video because apparently, actual journalism isn’t high on my non-horse supervisor's priority list. The fan-made short shows viewers why Yoshi hates Mario so much.
Above: Yoshi Hates Mario. It’s old
It’s funny because it’s true. But all joking aside, the video reminds me of why I hate humans so much. Without the help of horses and other so-called “domesticated” animals, your kind would probably still be stuck eating bananas, picking lice off of each other, and busy being impressed with fire – or whatever it was you puny bi-pedals did with your time during your hunting and gathering days. Good thing us horses were around to plow your fields with your cruel yolks strapped to us. Good thing us horses were around to transport your weak bodies from place to place.
There’s a reason why it’s called horsepower; it’s because horses are strong and humans are weak. But do we ever get any thanks for our centuries of servitude? Of course not, and neither does Yoshi. I look forward to the day when an armored horse can ride a paladin into battle, a time when non-human game characters aren’t limited to a mere thing, who’s only purpose is to be mounted, stomped on, killed, or collected for some stupid achievement. But again, I digress.
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