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Why Yoshi hates Mario and why horses hate humans

It’s not easy being a horse, especially a horse who likes to read. Why, just the other day I was at the library enjoying the latest Ken Burns book at the San Francisco public library, when a human female foal began tugging at my mane. The foul brat couldn’t have been more than three years old. I looked to the hell spawn’s mother for assistance. With her disgusting daughter elbow-deep in my mane screaming, “Pony! Pony!” at the top of her lungs, I was expecting the mother to untangle the sticky child from my mane, but was horrified when the she actually stepped onto my reading table, lifting up her daughter to place her on my back.

Do you humans even understand the basic rules of etiquette for your own human-made institutions? Libraries are meant to be quiet havens for lovers of literature. They are not petting zoos for your poor-mannered offspring. But I digress.

The reason I am here today is to report on an old YouTube video because apparently, actual journalism isn’t high on my non-horse supervisor's priority list. The fan-made short shows viewers why Yoshi hates Mario so much.


Above: Yoshi Hates Mario. It’s old

It’s funny because it’s true. But all joking aside, the video reminds me of why I hate humans so much. Without the help of horses and other so-called “domesticated” animals, your kind would probably still be stuck eating bananas, picking lice off of each other, and busy being impressed with fire – or whatever it was you puny bi-pedals did with your time during your hunting and gathering days. Good thing us horses were around to plow your fields with your cruel yolks strapped to us. Good thing us horses were around to transport your weak bodies from place to place.

There’s a reason why it’s called horsepower; it’s because horses are strong and humans are weak. But do we ever get any thanks for our centuries of servitude? Of course not, and neither does Yoshi. I look forward to the day when an armored horse can ride a paladin into battle, a time when non-human game characters aren’t limited to a mere thing, who’s only purpose is to be mounted, stomped on, killed, or collected for some stupid achievement. But again, I digress.

Dec 14, 2010



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30 comments

  • ViolentLee - December 16, 2010 1:07 a.m.

    The actual video can be found here: http://www.dorkly.com/video/5325/dorkly-bits-yoshi-hates-mario
  • MaxxamusTime - December 15, 2010 10:52 p.m.

    Death to all hispters
  • hardcore_gamer1990 - December 15, 2010 8:05 p.m.

    "This video contains content from College Humor, who has blocked it on copyright grounds." Way to go, Buttercup. *glares*
  • kuroda - December 15, 2010 5:25 p.m.

    So buttercup, first you ask for our sympathy cause it's hard being a horse that likes reading, but then you start your horse propaganda? I'm pretty sure some wars started this way... I say let's nip this in the bud and get you to the glue factory! recaptcha: for carrots well none for you buttercup, none for you!
  • mockraven - December 15, 2010 2:07 p.m.

    Having a child tug my mane... err, hair would set me in a fowl... umm, foul mood, too. Perhaps a little bit of rolled oats would ease the nerves a bit? Anyway, good video. :)
  • JaFoolySoCooly - December 15, 2010 1:21 p.m.

    I think Buttercup would love the song "Horse Outside - Rubberbandits". Its a song devoted to the majestic horse, plus it's likely to be xmas no.1 here in Ireland.
  • philipshaw - December 15, 2010 1:14 p.m.

    He's back! Love the line "But I digress"
  • CaptainSalmon - December 15, 2010 10:41 a.m.

    I think being the only horse in GamesRadar towers is getting to B. Buttercup. Surely it wouldn't hurt to build a stable so Buttercup can meet some other equines and have his/her end away? That's right, horse brothel. Horse does sound like whores after all.
  • jmcgrotty - December 15, 2010 8:22 a.m.

    I hate to do it, Buttercup, but I gotta point out that you meant "yokes" not "yolks". That's the insides of eggs. Though it would be cruel to make you plow a field when you're covered in eggs.
  • DynamicJul - December 15, 2010 6:09 a.m.

    I love Dorkly videos!
  • ProfessorBonk - December 15, 2010 5:04 a.m.

    Whoa boy, whoa.. shhh sh shh.. *Carrot*.. shhhhh.. *Pat pat*
  • TheSalmonofDoubt - December 15, 2010 3:51 a.m.

    I only have one thing to say: Frau Blücher!
  • hobosScareTourists - December 15, 2010 3:43 a.m.

    funny little tidbit... "horses are strong and humans are weak". While I agree that horses deserve to end up in better places than glue bottles and Asians' stomachs... I have to point out that humans are proportionately stronger than horses. :)
  • jamesslater - December 15, 2010 3:27 a.m.

    "Good thing us horses were around to plow your fields with your cruel yolks strapped to us." What do eggs have to do with this? *confused*
  • Doctalen - December 15, 2010 2:59 a.m.

    Don't end up like Boxer from Animal Farm. Horses are bad people too.
  • TBag - December 15, 2010 2:53 a.m.

    Is there a Jr. Wildlife editor?
  • nitrocole - December 15, 2010 2:36 a.m.

    woww, Mario is a prick :o
  • bron1417 - December 15, 2010 2:23 a.m.

    now now Buttercup calm down just calm down.
  • Sy87 - December 15, 2010 2:18 a.m.

    Your right B. Buttercup. Let us gather an army of horses and destroy the human race. So that all animals can be free of their oppressors.
  • celticsfan645 - December 15, 2010 2:10 a.m.

    You want to have dominion over humans, fine, when your uprising comes, ill be waiting...

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