You know the only real problem with downloadable content? It’s typically designed by the same people who made the original game. That’s boring. Why not give other folks, who don’t necessarily worry about whether something is “a good idea” or “sensible” or “legal,” a shot? Sure, our ideas might be a little unusual at times, and a couple of them could conceivably land someone in jail. But we can honestly say we haven’t played them before and we’d fork over good money, points or whatever for at least most of them.
Gears of War 2 - Pillowfight Harbor
Blame: Executive Editor Eric Bratcher
It takes no skill to jockey a chainsaw through flesh. And even a child can simply pull a trigger and watch death erupt from the muzzle of a gun. But only a true soldier and a gifted killing machine could use a feather pillow as a bludgeoning, makeshift instrument of death. How real are your skills?
Many locust forces, already above ground, survived the end of Gears 2. In this add-on level, a typhoon at sea strands both Marcus and Dom as well as a whole host of the locust horde on a tiny volcanic island. Unfortunately, both sides are out of supplies and the island’s extreme isolation – it’s surrounded by heavy fog so dense that it blocks out all radio communication, and its volcanic nature means the locust have no underground burrows to access – means neither side can expect new supplies. Thus, both humans and locust are forced to procure weapons and ammunition from the only structure on the island: a massive bed/couch/pillow/stuffed animal manufacturing complex. In this survive-or-die wasteland, the usual weapons are replaced with pillows and fuzzy critters of all shapes and sizes.
Thus, the stage is set for the ultimate test of man-dom. Can Marcus and Dom pillow-smash their way through the locust hordes, or will they find themselves overcome by latent feather allergies and the sheer volume of foam fiberfill-flinging foes?
Left 4 Dead - Babiez
Blame: Associate Features Editor Chris Antista
We heart the hell out of Left 4 Dead, so it should be no surprise that we want to see Valve’s zombirific co-op cleansing break into mainstream. And we’re talking Mario levels of mainstream here - as in recognizable enough for even housewives to know the difference between a Boomer and a Bill. So, ask any retailer peddling Wii and DS games what’s flying off the shelves right now, and they’d no doubt shout “BABIES!” right before throwing an armful of cash into the air and driving off in a stretched Prius.
Taking the rules of zombification into account, it stands to reason that there have to be at least a few partially consumed infants that have undergone an undead transformation, right? Of course. And we’d consider it a rare privilege to administer some lead directly into those adorably soft little skulls of theirs.
Currently the only place to go for shooting an undead baby in the face is the five-year-old Dawn of the Dead remake, and frankly, that needs to change. And before you get all high and stem cell-y over the ethicality of killing babies (online with friends!) remember these are zombie babies – you’re not killing them. That tragedy has already happened. Instead, you’re giving them peace. Putting them down for a nap, one could say. A … dirt … nap. This is just getting worse, isn’t it? Let’s try a new angle. Remember how hard the Lurkers were to kill in Dead Space? Babies aren’t helpless or innocent. They’re small, spry, sneaky, and adapt like the goddamned Borg! Feel sorry for the little ankle-biters now, dead man?