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It may come as a shock to hear that people who live in nuclear fallout bunkers have unusual social skills. They also seem to have an exceptionally high tolerance of pain. But above all, they seem to lack basic human intelligence.
We know all this only from playing Fallout 3, of course, but it does have such amazing specimens, we just had to capture them all on video.
Let's start off by looking at the party right near the start of the game. The general hubbub and mix of characters is initially quite convincing. There's the local bully, the kindly old woman... But then look closer (and press the talk button a lot) and you'll realise that they're actually terrible conversationists. But seriously talented rappers.
Then there's the local gang - the Tunnel Snakes, looking like T-Bird rejects in their leather jackets and Bryl Cream hairdos. We beat them in a fight, at which point they became so submissive, they simply let us punch them in the head. A lot.
Our favourite bit: 0:51 "I'll remember that"
Bonus madness: At 0:28, watch out for Old Lady Palmer's disappearing food and magically materialising glass.
If you thought that was pretty ludicrous (fainting goat aside), you ain't seen nothing yet.
If someone blew you up with a rocket launcher, what would you say to them? Clue - probably not a cheery 'morning'.
And why does no-one here realise they're being murderised? Or that the person they've just been speaking to has been shot dead mid-sentence? Take a look at this little lot:
Our favourite bit: Setting Doctor Li's feet on fire at 0:38.
Bonus madness: At 0:28, bullets can clearly be seen sparking as they hit the wall after passing through Doctor Li's head. No wonder she makes notes on her clipboard about a bunch of readout-less spinning reels. There's not much grey stuff between those ears.
Of course, we've saved the best for last. The problem is, there are characters in games like Fallout 3 who are simply essential to the progression of the plot. This means they cannot be killed. By anything.
We put this to the test with our father, who must be simultaneously the most indestructible and forgiving dad in the history of videogames.
We chainsawed his face. We laid mines at his feet then ignited them with a rocket launcher. We shot him in the head at point blank range, drenched the sand with his blood and then pumped clips' worth of bullets into his motionless corpse. As it floated in radioactive water. Still he gets up and says 'hello, honey'.
Our favourite bit: 1:04. Kinda makes it all worthwhile, doesn't it?
Bonus madness: "Dad Head Crippled" at 0:37. Yes, we crippled his head.
Above: "Is everything alright?" "Yes, just stand right there for a minute..."
22 Jun, 2009
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