Vampire Rain

Splinter Cell - but with vampires. Sounds so good, doesn’t it? It’s no wonder that early word of the Japanese stealther made us feel like kids at Christmas. But our review of the Japanese version was as disappointing and upsetting as waking up on December 25th to find that Santa’s not only used your stocking as a toilet but wiped his ass on the curtains too.

And now it’s our duty to simply restate the fact: this game hates you, and wants you to have a bad time. Rain follows the exploits of a technology-draped Fisher-a-like called Lloyd, battling vicious blood-guzzlers in a rainy LA - the idea is to identify the undead with your pointy-teeth-vision goggles before taking them on in battle, pitching your own brand of firepower against their Crackdown-esque high-jumping super-terror-powers.

Above: Morning breath doesn't even begin to describe it...

The actual experience though, brings a whole new meaning to the word “shit.” If the drab, grey environments, lifeless characters and appallingly-realized gore aren’t a turn off, trying to control the low-rent protagonist puts the final nail in the coffin. Moves which are second nature when sneaking about in Splinter Cell are either absent or poorly realized here - we’re talking about the fundamentals, like the ability to walk over pipes without pressing A, or the not-so-ancient art of shooting downwards when you’re crouching on a roof.

But even if Lloyd’s abilities were up to scratch, it wouldn’t help much when it comes to vampire-slaying - these bastards take at least an entire clip of ammo before they disintegrate into a disappointing puddle, and yet it takes only one of their unchanging two-swipe combo attacks to murderize you dead.

Truly, two strikes and you’re out.