Sexy Poker

Appropriately, you can play Sexy Poker one-handed. We used the spare hand to repeatedly punch ourselves in the head, but you can use it however you wish. The fact that this is an excruciatingly awful and embarrassing game is not entirely surprising – anything with the word ‘sexy’ in the title usually is – but it even manages to get the ‘poker’ bit wrong. It’s ridiculously basic, uninvolving and easy, almost as if Gameloft didn’t want the card game getting in the way of all the porn. But that can’t be right.

After selecting a static image of a provocatively posed woman (all, apparently, are well over the age of consent), you then play her at cards, while she entertains herself making innuendos so bad even Sid James couldn’t bring himself to utter them. As you ‘win’ she magically removes clothes, until she’s sitting or lying or bending over in her underwear. Conquer her to unlock the next image, where the tiresome process begins all over again.

It’s at this point the pretence of being a game falters entirely, as you can view each ‘unlocked’ woman in the gallery, saving you the bother of even playing it at all. However much you win at Sexy Poker, you’ll only ever feel like a loser.

Nov 5, 2009