SCRIPTEASE Being

…Human. The Reduced SFX Company presents series two of the vampire, werewolf, ghost house-share drama in easily-digestible form

Being Human Series Two

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Overall Synopsis Of The Show

A werewolf, a ghost and a vampire share a house, all trying to lead as normal, human lives as possible with hilarious consequences. What's that? It’s not a sitcom? Ah, okay then. A werewolf, a ghost and a vampire share a house, all trying to lead as normal, human lives as possible with tragic consequences. And lots of sex. And tea.

Act One

MITCHELL , the vampire, is moping. Sexily.

MITCHELL: Now that we’ve killed head vampire Herrick, there’s a power vacuum at the heart of the vampire empire. The vampires of Bristol are running wild. What can I do?

GEORGE , the werewolf is moping. Sulkily.

GEORGE: I… uh… oh… Ooh. Nooooo. Yes! Um, er, mmmm, ah… Growl.

ANNIE , the ghost, is making tea.

ANNIE: Come on, guys. Cheer up. Tea? Oh, by the way, I'm getting a job in a pub.
MITCHELL: Are you serving the spirits?
ANNIE: Mitchell, stop it. This isn’t a sitcom!
MITCHELL: Oh yeah. Um, okay then… That's a stupid idea. It’ll all end in tragedy.

Enter NINA , George’s girlfriend, who’s now a WEREWOLF as well, but George doesn’t know that.

GEORGE: I… uh… oh… um… ooooh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh! Yes! Grrrr… sex !
NINA: Not now, George. It’s my time of the month.
ANNIE: Come on. This is NOT a sitcom, guys!
NINA: Then why do things always make that comedy sound effect whenever you vanish them?

ANNIE vanishes in a huff… with a comedy pop.

MITCHELL: Why are you being such a bitch, Nina?
NINA: Is that supposed to be funny?
GEORGE: I… uh… oh… um… er, doggy style?

NINA stares witheringly, and leaves.

ACT TWO

ANNIE works as a barmaid in a SKANKY PUB , and none of the customers ask her why she never changes her clothes, or if she accidentally left a black sock in the wash. LANDLORD HUGH has her crush on her. So does sharp-suited estate agent SAUL , who looks about at home in the SKANKY PUB as a condom machine in the Vatican.

SAUL: You're sexy. Fancy a date?
LANDLORD HUGH: Whimper.
ANNIE: God yeah. Even though you're a complete dick. But then, I fancy complete dicks. Did I mention my last boyfriend killed me?
SAUL: No, but Terry Wogan did.
ANNIE: Sorry?
SAUL: He talks to me through the telly. Promised me a big prize if I dragged you to Hell.
ANNIE: Gasp, it’s the men with twigs and string!

SAUL tries to drag ANNIE to Hell through the GHOSTLY DOOR . He FAILS and goes home with a BLANKETY BLANK CHEQUE BOOK AND PEN . But for ANNIE the experience is so traumatic she becomes permanently invisible again.

ANNIE: Bugger.

ACT THREE

Vampires are running wild in Bristol, slaughtering indiscriminately and leaving bodies all over the place, some of which turn up in the hospital where MITCHELL works as a porter. The bodies raise the suspicions of a new doctor, LUCY .

LUCY: This man has been drained of blood and has puncture marks in his neck. That can only mean one thing…
MITCHELL: The blood donor team has gone feral? You’re oddly sexy. Can I name your goldfish?
LUCY: …Vampires
MITCHELL: Hah, hah. Vampires? Don't be silly. Hang on. Is that a stake in your handbag?
LUCY: What? Er, no. It’s… um… just a really pointy vibrator.
MITCHELL: Hmmmm… kinky. Shag?
LUCY: Yeah, just give it a couple of episodes until it becomes more dramatic, okay?

Two old friends of MITCHELL ’s from his Angelus days turn up – suave IVAN and sexy DAISY – to stir things up. DAISY cops off with GEORGE , just for the HELL of it.

DAISY: Sex?
GEORGE: Er… um… I… oh… um… Woof woof!

Later, NINA confronts GEORGE .

NINA: You’ve shagged another woman. I can smell it on you.
GEORGE: I… um… No… Yes! Er… oh… grump, grump.
NINA: First you turn me into a werewolf then you cheat on me! How do you think that makes me feel?
GEORGE: Ruff!
ANNIE (off): This is NOT a sitcom!

NINA gives a withering stare, and leaves. She is met at Bristol Temple Meads station by strange old man, Kemp.

KEMP: “Thou knowest all the wickedness which thine heart is privy to.” I Kings 2:44
NINA: Sorry?
KEMP: “Every man’s work shall be made manifest.” 1 Corinthians 3.13.
NINA: I haven’t got any spare change, mate, sorry.
KEMP: “And I will take sickness away from the midst of you.” Exodus 23:25
NINA: Oh, you can cure me! Why didn't you just say so? Lead the way. And try to be less freaky. People might think you’re a religious nutter.

Nina gives a withering stares and leaves. With Kemp.

ACT FOUR

IVAN is amused with MITCHELL ’s attempts to deal with the vampire problem.

IVAN: So you think basket weaving is the way forward?
MITCHELL: They need a hobby. Something to occupy their minds.
IVAN: Basket weaving?
MITCHELL: Something a bit more challenging perhaps? Tabletop wargaming? Potholing? Scrabble?
IVAN: They need a leader.
MITCHELL: Oh, yeah. Okay. That’s good. Who?
IVAN: You, you fool.
MITCHELL: But I’m a good vampire. I don’t drink blood. I have a swarthy tan. They’re bad vampires. They won't follow me.
IVAN: You killed Herrick. You used to be all Angelus and “Raaaarrrrrgghhhh!”. They still respect you.
MITCHELL: You think?
IVAN: Sure.
MITCHELL: Cool. Then I shall lead them and make them all join bloodsuckers anonymous support groups!
IVAN: Of course, I could be wrong…

ACT FIVE

GEORGE receives a phone call.

NINA: George, I love you but I can’t be with you. It’s complicated. Oh, and I’m being cured of being a werewolf. Come and join me if you feel like it. It’s lovely here if you can ignore all the blood on the walls. Oh hang on, the creepy old bloke is back… Must go. He’s got to stoke the fires of Hell or something. Bye. (Oh, by the way, I'm giving you a withering stare before I leave.)
GEORGE: I uh, oh, erm, no, ohhhhhh…!

Sulking, GEORGE comes up with his own way of dealing with his problem. He builds a cage and tranquilises himself on the night of his change. Unfortunately, caging the wolf has unfortunate side effects, because the BEAST WILL OUT .

GEORGE: F**K! T*T! W**K! C**T!
ANNIE: Oh, George. Congratulations. That’s the most coherent sentence you’ve managed this series.

Giving up on this approach, GEORGE tries to bury his old life by hooking up with a nice, normal new girlfriend, which is going fine until he transforms into a werewolf at her daughter’s school open day because he forgot the clocks had gone forward an hour…

AUDIENCE: Hang on, is this open day on a Sunday, or hasn't he checked his watch for at least two days?
GEORGE: Er, um… Growl! (Shhhh! Just go with it, okay?)
GIRLFRIEND’S DAUGHTER: My grandma, what big social interaction problems you have. I think I'll pass on you as my new dad, if that’s okay. At least that explains the hairs clogging up the shower.

ACT SIX

MITCHELL ’s new girlfriend, LUCY , is – gasp – in league with KEMP . They are actually trying to rid the world of demons, by fare means or foul.

LUCY: I’m having seconds thoughts about all this.
KEMP: “The wolf and the lamb shall feed together, and the lion shall eat straw like the bullock: and dust shall be the serpent’s meat.” Isiah, 65:25
LUCY (breaking down): Yes, yes, I admit it – I slept with Mitchell.
KEMP: “The way of the Lord is strength to the upright: but destruction shall be to the workers of iniquity.” Proverbs 10:29
LUCY: Oh, okay, maybe blowing up some vampires will make me feel better.

LUCY and KEMP blow up some vampires at a basket weaving evening. MITCHELL survives when IVAN sacrifices himself to save his old mate.

MITCHELL: I am so pissed. Time to make Angelus look like Tinkerbell.
MITCHELL FANS: Oooooh, you’re so sexy when you’re angry.

MITCHELL goes on a killing rampage with DAISY . They slaughter an entire train full of commuters inside the Box tunnel just outside Bath. NOBODY NOTICES for three days because Great Western trains are always late.

ACT SEVEN

Meanwhile, in a series of B-plots, ANNIE is learning that afterlife as a ghost is a bit SHITE .

ANNIE: I want a boyfriend!
POTENTIAL BOYFRIEND: Sorry, I prefer girls I can see. And touch. And shag.
ANNIE: I want a baby!
GHOST MUM WITH GHOST BABY: Too late for that. And would you want to be stuck with babysitting problems for eternity?
ANNIE: I want a loving relationship with my mum.
PSYCHIC: Sorry. I can’t spend the rest of my life being your go between.
ANNIE: I want an A-plot!
WRITERS: Can you wait till next season?

ANNIE decides instead to contact KEMP who says he can help her CROSS OVER .

KEMP: “Look left, look right, look left again. Green Cross Code, 1977.”
ANNIE: Not that kind of cross over. Come on, this is not a sit com, guys!

ACT EIGHT

GEORGE , having buggered up every other attempt at a normal life, goes to join NINA at KEMP ’s facility. He becomes suspicious when he finds a message from the SULLY , the werewolf who infected him.

MESSAGE: GET THE F**K OUT OF HERE!
GEORGE: I, um, nooooo. Er, ooohhhh. Um…
NINA: I agree. Kemp isn’t trying to cure us. He want to kill us.
GEORGE: Uh, oh, ah… so that’s what I said! Thanks.

GEORGE and NINA start looking for a way out of the facility, but KEMP and his cronies have bigger problems: MITCHELL has found the facility and is chowing down on them. The place is AWASH with BLOOD . It’s like one of those CASUALTY episodes where they actually have a budget.

MITCHELL: I’ve fallen off the wagon big time. And it feels good!
MITCHELL FANS: Too right.
GEORGE (appalled): Mitchell! Er, um, oooh, noooooo… uh, erm, oooooh… yuk.
NINA: What he said.
MITCHELL: Yeah, maybe this has gone far enough. I’ll go back to brooding and feeling guilty.
MITCHELL FANS: Booooo!
NINA: There’s no need to feel guilty about these scum, Mitchell.
MITCHELL: Oh yeah! I may have gone postal but I killed the bad guys. Maybe I’m not so bad…
RADIO ANNOUNCER: “…where a train full of people were bloodily…”

MITCHELL kicks radio to little pieces in a FRENZY .

NINA: Something wrong?
MITCHELL: No, no. Nothing. Nothing at all. Where’s Annie?

Enter KEMP .

KEMP: I’ve exorcised her!
NINA: I didn’t realise ghosts needed personal trainers…
KEMP: Not that kind of exercise!

Suddenly a GHOSTLY DOOR appears from nowhere, and ANNIE pops out looking all vengeful and scary.

ANNIE: How many time do I have to say it. THIS IS NOT A BLOODY SITCOM!

ANNIE drags KEMP to Hell before anyone can deliver any more bad gags.

GEORGE: Er, um, oooh…what now?
NINA: Back to the house?
MITCHELL: Um, anyone else interested in getting out of Bristol entirely? You know, just in case anyone – ha, ha – mistakenly makes some – oh, I don’t know – connection between me and a train full of bodies, perhaps?

NINA gives a withering stare, and they all leave.

THE END