Red, White, and Blue characters - Gaming's truest patriots
There's nothing wrong with showing love for your country - and one of the best, most wholesome, non-inebriated ways of doing so is by wearing your nation's colors with pride. In honor of this Fourth of July holiday, we've rounded up the videogame characters who truly embody everything it is to be an American. Make the most of our independence by reveling in the glory of these fine figures.
Mario (Super Mario Bros.)
Whether he’s tossing a red-and-blue pill while draped in a white labcoat, chucking blue boomerangs in his new suit from Super Mario 3D Land, or just wearing his plain old overalls, this upbeat Italian always makes sure to rep the US of A when stomping on koopas. Plus, taking an occupation as a plumber makes for an honest living that any red-blooded American can get behind.
Guile (Street Fighter II)
This all-American soldier was born a patriot - but just in case you couldn't discern where his loyalties lie, he's done you the kindness of tattooing the star-spangled banner on not just one, but both of his bulging biceps. His hairstyle epitomizes American ingenuity, utilizing a single comb to defy the laws of gravity, and Top Gun-era Tom Cruise only wishes he could wear shades as smooth as Guile's.
Hero Prinny (Prinny: Can I Really Be the Hero?)
Oh Prinny - in our hearts, you're already a hero. Faced with the daunting, incredible odds of obtaining the Ultra Dessert, Hero Prinny carries out his orders like any good soldier would. Should his red scarf, which prevents him from exploding, fail him, another loyal Prinny will take his place, and continue to fight the good fight. Right on, dood!
Guybrush Threepwood (The Secret of Monkey Island)
A pioneer of the pirate lifestyle, Guybrush is akin to the Johnny Appleseed of swashbuckling, spreading intrigue and adventure wherever he goes. Only, instead of apples, he specializes in item combination puzzles. His happy-go-lucky attitude, sharp sense of humor, and love for the alcoholic grog are traits that any American can relate to.
Sonic (Sonic the Hedgehog)
Modern Americans are an impatient bunch - they want it, whatever it may be, and they want it now. It's fortunate, then, that Sonic's forte is speed, and everything that comes with it. It's also a well-known law in the Constitution: any character voiced by American icon Jaleel White (also known for his role as Steve Urkel on Family Matters) should be treated with the utmost respect and endearment. If you can't handle his Blast Processing, you've just put your US citizenry in jeopardy.
Red Yoshi (Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island)
Were this Yoshi to pick up an invincibility-granting Super Star, he'd be so full of red, blue, and star-spangled white energy that he'd essentially be a living version of the American flag. Like the grunt laborer who lifts and supports society on his back, Mario's achievements are all made possible the work and dedication of this Yoshi (the green one is overrated). He's exactly like Denver the last Dinosaur: we'd classify him not only as our friend, but a whole lot more.
Earthworm Jim (Earthworm Jim)
America did not come into existence as a great nation - it had to grow, little by little, into the ever-evolving melting pot it is today. So too did Jim start life as a mere earthworm, facing trials and tribulations as we all do, before discovering a super suit (clearly an allegory for independence) that empowered him to fight for justice. With his bright-red blaster and affinity for anything "groovy," Jim's just an Average Joe with a heart of gold.
Teddie (Persona 4)
With the chutzpah and cuddliness of Teddy Roosevelt, this bear buddy is easily the most American feature of Persona's Midnight Channel. Teddy bears as as big a part of American cultures as baseball or apple pie, and seeing one come to life in the form of a wacky stuffed animal just feels so right. Plus, we thoroughly approve of his numerous bear-based puns; they would do Yogi proud.
As American robotics continue to advance, our scientists should look to KOS-MOS when designing military machines. With blue hair, a white chassis, and striking red eyes, her appearance evokes a stoicism akin to Lady Liberty. But her slender form belies an arsenal of laser cannons, chainguns, and the legendary F-SCYTHE to cut down those who would oppress her people. Can the Statue of Liberty do that? Didn't think so.
Minuteman (Freedom Force)
The Minuteman's unending drive to fight his country's enemies, both within and without, is an inspiration. A staunch defender of justice and Patriot City alike, this hero would rather die than see America's people lose their freedom. His intolerance of Communist spies only further fuels his righteous fury, putting that much more force behind each of his powerful punches - admittedly, those Commies had it coming.
Connor Kenway (Assassin's Creed III)
We feel we know AC3's protagonist in a deep, significant way - all prior research aside. That this man fought for our cause during the Revolutionary War makes him our best friend, even before we got a look at his sweet "A" (that stands for American) shaped tomahawks. Also, as a Mohawk Native American, he's technically sharing his land with us. You're our boy, Connor.
Alice Liddell (Alice: Madness Returns)
Even though they might like music that you can't stand, "emo" kids are your fellow Americans just the same. Championing their gothic cause is Alice, whose vivid visits to the twisted Wonderland made it feel like she was the only videogame character who truly understands us. When you smear your blue and white frock with the crimson blood of your enemies to complete the stars-and-stripes look, that's true dedication. Plus, she was the brainchild of American McGee - that's how you know she's a patriot.
Togetic (Pokemon Gold & Silver)
As the American demographic known as the "Brony" will tell you, friendship is magic. So much so, in fact, that high friendship levels can cause an ordinary Togepi (as seen chirping incessantly to Misty in the Pokemon animated series) to evolve into the Togetic, a majestic creature if we've ever laid eyes on one. As a bonus, whenever they encounter a kind-hearted individual, they shower them in "joy dust." We're not sure what that is, but we want some.
Terry Bogard (Fatal Fury)
This SNK veteran has seen it all - the Fatal Fury and King of Fighters series have been his stomping grounds for years. But he never forgets his roots - his heritage. As a fan of fast-food, vintage jeans, and basketball, Terry's so American that Bruce Springsteen ought to write a song about him. Necessary lyrics would include "Hey, come on, come on!" and "POWER WAVE!"
Demitri Maximoff (Darkstalkers)
He may hail from Romania, but this bloodsucker's an American at heart. Vampires are all the rage in American culture right now - Twilight, Vampire Diaries, True Blood, and what have you - and Demitri's appearance in Darkstalkers: The Night Warriors predates them all. It's safe to assume that we can credit all of today's popular media to this fictional vampire alone. He's also studly enough to court Morrigan - props, bro.
Tiffany Lords (Rival Schools)
Tiffany's skimpy costume, flowing blonde hair, and gravity-defying bust reveal her true nature: she is the zeitgeist of the American standard of beauty, given form as a Pacific High student. A combination kickboxing and cheerleading superstar, this American-born stunner is like so many adolescent American teens, favoring the dance club over plans for her future. You go, girl!
Balrog (Street Fighter)
He's a buff boxer, he's black, and his grin could frighten small children - there's no mistaking it: Balrog is gaming's surrogate for Mike Tyson (how fitting, then, that he was the original M. Bison in the Japanese version of SF2). But like Mike Tyson's appearance in The Hangover, Balrog has all the makings of an athlete striving for success with the American way. The man just wants his fight money - and when he KOs so many opponents, isn't he entitled to it?!
King Dedede (Kirby's Dream Land)
So many Americans seem to idolize King Dedede. How else would you explain their gross obesity, penchant for greed and selfishness, or hostility towards the color pink? But Dedede makes up for his moral misgivings through his attire, combining Santa's suit, the beak of a bald eagle, and the hammer used by the legendary John Henry. Deny it if you want, but we think Dedede's an okay guy.
Portal's lovably malevolent Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System is dedicated to the furthering of American science, willing to risk human and android lives in the name of progress. But it's GLaDOS' intelligence cores that exemplify her patriotic spirit: the blue Cake Core could rival Paula Deen as it rattles off a recipe for a cake, while the red Anger Core embodies the kind of indiscriminate hatred that Americans can be known to spout.
Dr. Wily (Mega Man)
Dr. Wily is the Ben Franklin of our times: an inventor (yep, he built Bass and Zero) whose scientific prowess led to breakthroughs in innovation. Franklin had the lightning rod; Wily had that killer robot dragon in Mega Man II. Were it not for Wily, we might not know the pain and suffering of NES auto-scrolling screens and battles fought atop tiny blocks - and he pushed us to make better gamers of us all. For this, we salute you, Wily.
Motorized Patriot (BioShock Infinite)
If something you love is under attack, it is your duty to defend it. Like the founding fathers who inspired the creation of Columbia, the Motorized Patriot will never back down from a fight to defend his homeland. With a visage modeled after our first president, a gigantic gun, and two flags atop his back, this Heavy Hitter machine is America defined. Even if Booker hurls bombs bursting in air his way, this Patriot will stand tall.
Magus (Chrono Trigger)
"If history is to change, let it change!" This was the cry of Magus. A man bold enough to take what he wanted, to cut the wheat from the chaff with his scythe, to declare war with the Kingdom of Guardia. In fact, he was gonna manifest his destiny all up in the Kingdom of Guardia's grill. He even turned a man into a frog once; they don't come much more patriotic than that.
"Blinky" Shadow (Pac-Man)
Every American knows about Pac-Man, and the ghosts who tirelessly chased him through thick and thin. Teal, pink, and orange are nice - but Blinky has the vim and vigor of a true American, with his white eyes, blue pupils, and red... whatever ghosts call skin. Like George Washington, he led the charge of the ghosts' Pac Attack; similarly, he's been known to chop a Pac-Man in pursuit of a bouncing cherry just as Washington chopped a cherry tree. Bravo, Blinky. Bravo.
Captain America (Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3)
These famed videogame characters will continue to live on in our hearts and our minds as inspirations, wearing our nation's colors - proudly and tirelessly - throughout the gaming night. The only thing that could reach the same level of patriotism would be donning an eagle costume.
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