Nice try, record labels
You can't fool us. Every day, millions of ears absorb the sound waves of hit singles, oblivious to the message they're being sent. But when was the last time you actually listened to the lyrics? Ever notice themes that feltfamiliar? News flash. Corporate America, the Illuminati, the games industry--it's all connected. Any time you buy a game, your hard-earned dollars are going into the pockets of the next teen idol. You think pop sensations make their money on music alone? Wake up.
We've read between the lines. We see through the illusion, understand what games these songs are subversively trying to promote. And now, we want to open your eyes to the conspiracy that's happening all around you. Turn on a radio, and any one of the following songs is bound to start playing eventually. Once you piece together the following puzzles, you too will understand just what exactly it is that you're hearing.
"Get Lucky" - Daft Punk ft. Pharrell
What they want you to think: Two star-crossed lovers just don't want the night to end. The girl is simply having a good time, partying 'til the sun rises. The boy is hopeful that, with any luck, he'll be able to take this relationship to the next level.
The truth: Is this the description of a carefree date, or the trippy block climber/relationship simulator Catherine? We say the lyrics all point to the latter. Protagonist Vincent spends all his nocturnal hours in the Stray Sheep Bar, wrestling with the prospect of wedding Katherine or wooing Catherine. "We've come too far to give up who we are / So let's raise the bar and our cups to the stars" sounds like the kind of toast Vincent would give after a night of drunken soul-searching. And get lucky he shall--as long as he can overcome a series of deeply disturbing nightmares.
"I Love It" - Icona Pop
What they want you to think: These two women are rebels, and they want you to know it. Not ones to be tied down in a relationship, they've taken their devil-may-care attitude to new extremes, recklessly destroying property just for fun. And they love it.
The truth: Rockstar almost had us fooled, until we heard the line "I crashed my car into the bridge / I don't care; I love it." Bingo. No sane individual would be completely apathetic about crashing their motor vehicle into a bridge, let alone watching it burn and enjoying every last second of it. Unless, that is, that car was virtual, and finding a replacement was as simple as carjacking some hapless AI. Clearly, Icona Pop are enjoying a sandbox crime spree in Grand Theft Auto IV, knowing full well that any automotive destruction has no bearing on real life.
"Bubble Butt (Remix)" - Major Lazer ft. Bruno Mars, 2 Chainz, Mystic, & Tyga
What they want you to think: Throughout the ages, rappers have a taken a fondness towards women with exceptionally large butts. This is seemingly just another in a long line of booty worshipping anthems.
The truth: The only way this could be any more obvious is if twin dragons Bub and Bob actually made an appearance in the music video. Taito is no doubt taking aim at a new market for Puzzle Bobble fandom, enlisting the aid of some of today's hottest artists. The popular arcade puzzler offers an endless stream of bubbles, much like the lyrics; the addition of the word "butt" is simply there to throw lesser intellects off the trail. And 2 Chainz speaks the truth: "Drop it low / Put it in the dirt." Mr. Chainz is absolutely right--you will die an early death if you bounce your bubbles too close to the bottom of the screen.
"Safe and Sound" - Capital Cities
What they want you to think: No matter what's wrong with the world, this relationship will shield you from harm. With the compatibility between you two, nothing can stop your love.
The truth: This is the ballad of a Missile Command pro in song form. "Even if we're six feet underground / I know that we'll be safe and sound" denotes the bunker from which Capital Cities launches counter-missile interceptors. Because of their adept aim and multitasking skills, all adjacent cities will stay protected under this barrage of enemy attacks. "Even if the sky is falling down / I know that we'll be safe and sound," they say. And you know what? We believe them.
"We Can't Stop" - Miley Cyrus
What they want you to think: No longer bound by the shackles of the Disney Channel, Miley Cyrus has morphed into a nigh unrecognizable party addict. Dropping ecstasy, twerking, cavorting around with barely any clothes on, and doing lines of cocaine--just another night in the life of this rebellious child star.
The truth: With all the tongue-in-cheek shock tactics on display in the music video, along with the drug-fueled madness suggested by the lyrics, Cyrus seems to be channeling the over-the-top kitsch of Saints Row: The Third. Like the attitude adopted by The Saints gang, Miley insists "Doing whatever we want / This is our house / This is our rules." In all honestly, with how wacked-out everything in the music video is, a clip of someone being beaten to death by a giant purple dildo probably wouldn't feel too out of place.
"Radioactive" - Imagine Dragons
What they want you to think: A revolution of change--be it social, musical, environmental, whatever--is afoot, warping the world into an unfamiliar wasteland. Or, as the amusing music video suggests, we're all unaware of an underground fight club that pits stuffed animals against each other for human amusement.
The truth: Guys, next time you want to pay homage to the Fallout series, try not to be so obvious about it. This song is almost a word-for-word description of someone leaving the Vault for the first time, thrust into the nuclear post-apocalypse of 21st century America. Lines like "I'm waking up to ash and dust / I wipe my brow and I sweat my rust / I'm breathing in the chemicals" suggest that perhaps this particular player is succumbing to mutation by way of radiation. With the toxic environment nearly being "Enough to make my systems blow," it seems their arm-mounted Pip-Boy 3000 might be on the fritz.
"Blurred Lines" - Robin Thicke
What they want you to think: This trio of finely dressed men have identified you as a prime target for sex, and have made it their mission to coerce you into sleeping with them. Even though your appearance suggest that you are, in fact, a good girl, there is no doubt in Thicke, T.I., and Pharrell's minds that you are wild in the bedroom.
The truth: If he wasn't so obviously talking about Nintendogs, Thicke would likely be labeled as the biggest chauvinist in America. How else could he skyrocket to the top of the charts with lyrics like "You the hottest bitch in this place / I feel so lucky" unless he was showing off his prized canine amidst a room of fellow 3DS owners? We struggle to imagine how lines like "Tried to domesticate you / But you're an animal, baby / It's in your nature" could be Thicke's description of a grown woman.
Do you hear what we hear
Let your imagination run wild, and most any song lyrics can start to paint a gaming-related picture. Got any crackpot--er, irrefutable song-to-game theories of your own? Share them in the comments!