EDIT: We had the winner and runners-up in the Shooter of the Year category completely wrong. We have now corrected the error. Apologies for any confusion this eff-up may have caused.
After all the voting, and the big talk and the walking the walk, this is where it gets real. Where hopes and dreams crash and burn like a faulty zeppelin, or come alive like rainbow-shitting baby unicorns in a happy fairytale.
If you're not following what we're saying here, let's lay it out for you: this year's blindingly glamorous Golden Joystick Awards ceremony has just finished. That means that the winners have been announced. And if yours was one of the 1,543,308 votes cast this year, then you'll probably be keen to know who those winners are.
Action/Adventure Game of the Year, in association with Nut
Winner: Assassin's Creed II
First runner-up: Batman: Arkham Asylum
Second runner-up: Red Dead Redemption
We say: Stabbing people. Always popular. This category was swollen with great games - outside of the top three were such dazzlers as Uncharted 2, God Of War III, Heavy Rain and Bayonetta. But, according to the votes, it was Assassin's that kicked their asses in. That wasn't very good. Sorry.
Fighting Game of the Year, in association with Official Nintendo Magazine
Winner: Super Street Fighter IV
First runner-up: Tekken 6
Second runner-up: Soul Calibur: Broken Destiny
We say: Hopefully this award was collected by a man in a E. Honda suit who executed a devastating Hundred Hand Slap on the runners-up as he passed them on the way to the stage. It would have been like a more violent, more game-related version of Bruno dive-bombing Eminem's groinal region at the MTV awards. Also, special props to Soul Calibur: Broken Destiny - PSP is still a console that can!
Download Game of the Year, in association with Green Man Gaming
Winner: Plants vs. Zombies
First runner-up: Battlefield 1943
Second runner-up: Call of Duty: World at War: ZOMBIES
We say: A big year for downloadable zombies. Maybe next year there should be a dedicated zombie category.
Music Game of the Year, in association with Total Film
Winner: Guitar Hero 5
First runner-up: DJ Hero
Second runner-up: The Beatles: Rock Band
We say: With seven different 'Hero' games up for this award, it's no surprise that Activision nabbed first and second place here. We expect Emperor Bobby Kotick will be feeling pretty smug tonight as he carries out the evening inspection of his fully operational Death Star.
Portable Game of the Year, in association with Habbo
Winner: Pokemon Heart Gold/Soul Silver
First runner-up: Assassin's Creed: Bloodlines
Second runner-up: Plants vs. Zombies
We say: Nearly a decade and a half since Pokemon Red and Blue were released and gamers are still lapping up anything that squirts out of the pocket monster gun like hungry kittens at a bowl of mouse-flavoured cream. Although instead of a gun, it's more like one of those enormous rockets that the Russians used to drive through Red Square in an attempt to convince everyone that communists knew how to party. Yeah. One of those. Filled with pocket monsters.