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Games that are better when you’ve had a few

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We're not saying drinking is big or clever. What we are saying is some gamers over legal drinking age - us included - have probably played a few titles after we've had one too many. Hell, we know slowly eroding your liver by getting shit-faced and belting out tunes on SingStar probably isn't the most productive use of time. But it is fun... enjoyed responsibly, of course. That’s why we’ve put together a list of the best titles to play when you’re off your tits.

Disclaimer:  This article is in no way intended to promote irresponsible or underage drinking.


Condemned 2: Bloodshot

Why alcohol makes it awesome: It gives us Dutch courage

There’s nothing like a belt or two to make us feel invincible. It’s why all of history’s great figures have been borderline alcoholics, probably. Anyhoo, in the case of Sega’s scary-ass shooter, some tasty hops or a few delicious single malts make the game’s collection of knife-wielding junkies, Chucky-esque living dolls and serial killers seem downright comical. And that big ol’ man-eating grizzly? Pah, he’s about as threatening as a Care Bear once we’ve got a few lagers, a triple vodka and some toilet cleaner in us. Admittedly, you should probably pass on that last one.


Above: That's some hard mathematical shit, right there


SingStar

Why alcohol makes it awesome: It makes us think we’re rock stars

A few things we’d rather do than sing sober in front of other humans: make public speeches in the buff/ get sodomised by a rail-road spike/ buy the director’s cut of Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. That’s what makes swilling barrel loads of booze with Sony’s singing fest so damn perfect, y’see. It brutally murders all those inhibitions that make us consider letting our asses get intimate with railway apparatus before we’d yodel like idiots at parties. The more we drink, the more confident we get. And, by extremely tenuous internet comedy logic, the more awesome our singing voices automatically become. Who cares if we’re horrendously off-key? We’re rock stars, man!


Above: The one on the right knows the score


FIFA 10

Why alcohol makes it awesome: It gives us nerves of steel

We say FIFA, but this pretty much applies to any sports game. During our average lunchtime footie fests we’re all nervous wrecks. Ballooning five yard sitters over the bar, missing free headers, letting the AI keeper win every single mind game; we suck at pressure situations while sober. But liquor us up real good and we’ve suddenly got ice running through our veins. We score with nearly every chance. We take the pressure in our stride. Hell, we’re cooler than the other side of the pillow after it’s been frozen in Carbonite and had sex with Billy Dee Williams. We’re… sobering up. Shit! Break out a bottle of Jack’s finest!


Above: We can totally recreate that Zidane Champions League final goal in FIFA when we've had a few


Shadow of the Colossus

Why alcohol makes it awesome: It nukes all that pesky guilt

Man, Sony’s ethereal adventure is properly heart-breaking if played off the sauce. It’s those eyes. Each Colossus we’re tasked with offing horribly has the most gentle, sympathetic peepers we’ve ever seen. Those giant-golf-ball-at-the-Epcot-Centre sized pupils constantly judge us. Played sober, the guilt, as we plunge our sword into their craniums in agonising slow motion, is like watching Bambi get stabbed and served up as venison kebabs. But drinking ourselves numb washes away all that unpleasant guilt and empathy. We’ll hate ourselves in the morning, sure. But for now, there’s giant monsters that need taunted, murdered and laughed at, as we dance on their enormous rotten corpses. 


Above: Screw the sobbing. Man up and get some quadruple distilled vodka in you


Daxter

Why alcohol makes it awesome: It makes the little a-hole semi bearable 

Oh sure, playing one of the PSP’s most criminally over-looked games while embracing a life of sobriety is funny like syphilis. That’s why the good lord… or Guinness (we can’t remember which) created alcohol. With enough liver-screwing sauce in us, that shitty little Ottsel is suddenly a laugh riot. Alright, so we might lack the required motor neuron skills to negotiate his title’s tricky platforming when under the influence. But the pay-off (namely a game we can actually play without wanting to shiv everyone in a 22 foot radius every time the main character lets words come out of his stupid furry face) is well worth it. Now, where’s the nearest AA meeting?


Above: Seriously, stop. Our sides can't take being split anymore

Mar 18, 2010



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24 comments

  • MaynardJ - March 18, 2010 3:41 p.m.

    Funny stuff, as always. I finished SotC sober, twice, and somehow I never felt guilty. Except at the end, maybe, when it turns out what it leads to. They were trying to kill me, right? This feature also makes me more curious about Condemned 2, still waiting to get picked off the shelf. ...first?
  • MaynardJ - March 18, 2010 3:44 p.m.

    By the way, I can't think of SotC becoming even more awesome after drinking. More probably, I'd lose concentration and get frustrated. Or I'm just taking this too seriously.
  • dannymc18 - March 18, 2010 4:02 p.m.

    Portal + alcohol + a crowd = awesome. And if its a GB article, why the "over 21s only"?
  • noobeater - March 18, 2010 4:17 p.m.

    Damn yanks thats why, i kid, but my favourite has got to be halo wars, because it like a min rave in my living room with all the lasers n stuff, and natually blast corps was actually a little easier whilst a bit drunk, afterall drunks naturally crash into buildings n stuff
  • jackthemenace - March 18, 2010 6:19 p.m.

    portal on alchohol would be hilarious. even better would be something silly like scribblenauts. some of the words ppl'd put in... :D
  • TheWebSwinger - March 18, 2010 6:36 p.m.

    Condemned 2 whilst smashed sounds fabulous, I cant believe I never thought of that. Also props for showing Daxter some love.
  • Tommykrem - March 18, 2010 6:53 p.m.

    You know you're drunk when you think the dialogue in KZ2 is poetic.
  • Embolado - March 18, 2010 7:27 p.m.

    Always loved jumping on Modern Warfare 2 while being tipsy and just noob-toob anyone and everyone. I really enjoy it when they cry that I have no skill, yet Im the one playing drunk and doing better. Noob kill cam is the best.
  • ventanger - March 18, 2010 7:43 p.m.

    Condemned 2 is perfect for getting liquored up for because the game enthusiastically promotes drinking every amber liquid you come across. Boxes of booze about being a badass bum in..um... that game.
  • raygillies - March 18, 2010 8:19 p.m.

    what about .detuned? I guess you didn't mention that because it has no gameplay
  • TheWebSwinger - March 18, 2010 9:04 p.m.

    You guys really dropped the ball by not posting this on St Patty's...
  • Tomsta666 - March 18, 2010 9:26 p.m.

    LoL :D I always tend to play FIFA10 when i'm pissed!
  • sleepy92ismypsn - March 18, 2010 9:31 p.m.

    hell yea i love some shitfaced rock band. and bioshock was pretty fun drunk. if you thought it was hard to drive drunk in gta4 try getting drunk in real life and drive drunk in the game. i still prefer gaming sober though.
  • lovinmyps3 - March 18, 2010 11:09 p.m.

    What The Web Swinger said...
  • diddly - March 19, 2010 12:12 a.m.

    You guys missed out on the single most important game to drink to, FUSION FRENZY!!!!! It can really only be played when your hopped up on hops, otherwise it's just tedious boredom.
  • Ravenbom - March 19, 2010 4:56 a.m.

    Pretty much every game is better when I've had a few.
  • jmcgrotty - March 19, 2010 6:06 a.m.

    My worst situation was one night while drinking, I was playing a Final Fantasy title (can't remember which one anymore) and I beat a boss. For the life if me, I was never able to again kill the guy while sober.
  • MaynardJ - March 19, 2010 9:48 a.m.

    I had a good laugh playing Castle Crashers with a friend when we were sober: I managed to escape the UFO in the last second, but my friend didn't make it. At the start of the following level, his avatar dropped burning from the sky! I don't even want to know how hard I would have laughed at this after a few beers. Might not have made it that far to begin with. All kinds of fighting games are probably more fun after drinking, if you play them against a friend offline.
  • philipshaw - March 19, 2010 1:25 p.m.

    Have to agree with playing Fifa 10 while drunk because you don't notice the glitches as much
  • bonerachieved - March 19, 2010 5:05 p.m.

    I'm surprised Chris didn't write this haha.

Showing 1-20 of 24 comments

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