If you've never had the pleasure of perusing the Miiverse--Nintendo's social network on the 3DS and Wii U--you're missing out on some quality stuff. It's a beautiful landscape of cute handdrawn sketches, helpful tips for overcoming difficult parts of various games, and general posts by users from all over the world celebrating their love of Nintendo. Of course, due to the nature of the Information Superhighway, the Miiverse often acts as a roadside rest stop, one dirtied by sketches of veiny penises, nude Nintendo mascots participating in procreation, and other unsurprising obscenities.
But sometimes a few odd gems come through the MiiVerse: posts that aren't necessarily obscene, but are absolutely bizarre. Strange. Tragic. If you have a Twitter account, I highly recommend following BadMiiversePost, which is where all the following images and posts originated. Press on, dear reader, for a look at some of the most outlandish posts ever made on Nintendo's social platform.
The post: "My wife left me and took the kids."
One must only look next to the cute drawings of Mario to unearth tragedy.
Not a fan of mom and dad
The post: "this game is fun but i hate my parents"
Nothing says "thanks for buying me a Wii U!" quite like a public announcement of parental hatred.
The obsession is real
The post: "nice water" in 800 variations
Man, this guy really has a thing for H2O.
Metroids don't crawl, bro
The post: "y cant metroid crawl?"
A young child ponders Samus Aran's inability to simply crawl through narrow spaces. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the origin of the phrase.
The post: "hi my name is hunter and my gf just broke up with me"
Hello, Hunter. Welcome to misery.
Wii U finally finds success
The post: "How to Annoy an Xbox/PS4 fanboy: Rub the success of the WiiU IN THEIR FACE!!"
The name changer
The post: "I changed my name to Sir Buttkiss because my old name was so embarrassing (my old name was Anthony)"
Jeeze man, give the punchline some breathing room.
Women shouldn't fight
The post: "I don't mean to offend women, but I'm just saying they weren't meant to be warriors or fight men."
Good God, this guy needs some help (and has clearly never heard of UFC ass-kicker Ronda Rousey).
The post: "miss my dad he died lol... :)"
Not sure if this is a joke, or just a really awkward attempt at expressing sorrow.
The post: "My mother broke up with her boy friend.So her boy friend broke into da house, got the key 2 da shed,and stole a $140 saw.My mother got over this quickly,and went on a dating site 5mins later.#whocares?"
Wait, what the why did he steal a saw? I MUST HAVE ANSWERS.
The post: "Congratulations Syrenne for this masterpiece! After saw your 'game' a question is normal: How you post comments and bad reviews on other game? Good luck for your sales! I think it's easy to sell a '80 Game in 2014."
Okay, some context for this one. The poster in question is actually a developer who, enraged by the fact that the user he's harassing gave one of his games a bad review, decided to talk smack in return about her game. Here's the kicker, though: Syrenne, the harass-ee, voiced her opinion about O2 Games' creations from her personal account. O2 Games returned fire from its official MiiVerse account. Brutality. Here's a thread in which you'll find the whole exchange.
Fatherly (lack of) love
The post: "why doesnt my dad love me?"
Well, if your dad is like mine, I'd wager his lack of affection directly correlates to your lack of Little League baseball skills. Sorry, kid. It hurts, I know.
Mmmm, cat pee
The post: "my cat peed in my mouth what do i do?"
That's a tough one. Spitting it out would be a good first step, though.
The eternal struggle
The post: "This game is fun my mom and dad have been fighting a lot"
There's something oddly humorous about seeing such a disheartening sentence juxtaposed to such beautiful colors.
Injury after insult
The post: "kicked ur pixel'd ayss, also my granpa died tonight"
What an interesting tactic for taunting an opponent.
How 2 count
The post: "Two words: that was hard but i beat it"
Hrm, close, but not quite
Life is weird
What did you think? Pretty odd, yeah? Now the question remains: How many of those were real posts, and how many were just silly jokes? I guess we'll never know. Have you seen any other super strange Miiverse posts? Let us know in the comments below!
And if you're looking for more, check out 7 games that definitely aren't for kids... where you play as kids and 8 dark secrets hidden in the unseen fringes of your favourite game worlds.