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Animal Crossing's dark side revealed

Anyone who listens to TalkRadar knows I’m something of an Animal Crossing fan. I've been playing since the first week it was released in the US some six years ago. Always found it a nice relaxing break from all the head-shotting, eff-bombing Mature games that dominate the market. Nothing wrong with ‘em, no sir, just need a goddam vacation once in a while.

Then, while starting a brand new Hylia in City Folk, I noticed all these suggestive undertones cleverly hidden amidst the sunny “golly gee” disposition. Consider how you would feel about the following turn of events, which we accept as commonplace for Animal Crossing games, if they happened to you.

Gruhhhhhh….

You slowly open your eyes and see only a bipedal cat standing in a dimly lit room. One unseen lamp illuminates just enough of the cat and surrounding hardwood floor to let you know you’ve arrived here by some means other than your own. In other words, you got popped on the back of the head and carried into this warehouse. The cat says you two have to catch a bus. Like now.

So now you’re being smuggled into a town. At night. On a bus with no passengers. That’s creepy as hell. The wide-eyed, overly earnest “doesn’t this sound exciting?!” plea coming from Rover the Cat isn’t helping. Dear god, have you been kidnapped by some bizarre furry cult?

In the morning you finally meet the mayor, who only says he’s planning on watching you from afar. WATCHING, heh heh heh. And waiting for… something. Maybe to make ornaments out of your internal organs.

Then comes your first encounter with Tom Nook, the raccoon shopkeeper who clearly operates Nook’s Cranny as a front for a slave trade. You’re forcefully moved into this town with no home or assets, then told you suddenly owe an exorbitant amount of money to a talking raccoon who’s probably the one who orchestrated your kidnapping in the first place.

Hm, yes, you will be paying back this loan, kid. Even if it takes you 100 years. He’ll fend off the reaper just to make sure you never have a free cent to your name.

Oh no, don’t you dare pay him in cash! He wants his assets wired into separate accounts, each more fiendishly hidden than the last. As if he wasn’t shady enough, now he only wants electronic fund transfers? That’s bordering on supervillain territory.

And he’ll explain the details later? Later when? “Later when I’m dumping your body into the river?” later?

This is what your indoctrination has bought you – a concrete-floored, roach-infested junk pile, complete with busted radio that Nook admits barely works. This… is not looking good.

41 comments

  • james1741 - October 27, 2014 10:35 p.m.

    video about the theory https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcZa_21GdUc
  • n00b - September 16, 2013 7:54 a.m.

    Hey this was on cracked.com
  • thefreakysurgeon - October 27, 2010 1:16 a.m.

    so THIS is what Nintendo puts in their games?! only innocent little kids wouldn't catch this. WHY NINTENDO? WHY??
  • Haxorz - April 25, 2010 9:42 p.m.

    So true....
  • mdiaz033 - April 24, 2010 6:21 a.m.

    really cool article! the statue pissing on the gyroid is hilarious and your insights are so very true. no conspiracy here. Nintendo knows this game is grim
  • mm4l - December 6, 2008 8:44 a.m.

    That link is bad. The article has been moved to lparchive and is at: http://lparchive.org/LetsPlay/Animal%20Crossing/Update%203/index.html It is a MUCH better article overall. Long, but worth the read. It had me rolling! Enjoy and Happy Holidays!
  • namoos14 - December 1, 2008 9:22 p.m.

    that websyte wont work on mine now how do i see it =[
  • doopa5000 - November 29, 2008 4:52 p.m.

    Animal Crossing is awesome, whoever created this needs to stop sucking on thier frind's d*%( and stop being gay.
  • Xplosive59 - November 28, 2008 9:11 a.m.

    im still waiting for animal crossing: chainsaw massacre lol
  • georgeguy - November 26, 2008 9:56 p.m.

    that was very disturbing(russain accent)
  • berryween - November 26, 2008 2:40 p.m.

    omfg, i never thought about it that way. Also, the part about Brewster gave me an idea. Pyramid Head should be in the next game. He could chase you and violate your Gyroids.
  • Defguru7777 - November 26, 2008 3:27 a.m.

    Oh my god. Those bastards!
  • CarToons - November 26, 2008 1:57 a.m.

    I heard that Nook guy smuggles illegals across the border, them brings them home to clip their own toenails while he sings, "It's Rainin' Men" by the Weather Girls in the shower. But that could just be a rumor.
  • darkestwulf - November 26, 2008 1:44 a.m.

    whenever I restarted animal crossing i always wondered "Howed I get on this Flippin train?!"
  • Cwf2008 - November 26, 2008 12:31 a.m.

    Damn this game is even more bleak than Fallout 3 when you look at it like this...
  • netlatnu - November 25, 2008 10:50 p.m.

    There's a peeing statue in that basement. How'd this game get an E rating with that?
  • bioshocker - November 25, 2008 10:50 p.m.

    This reminds me of Yatzee's point of view of animal crossing it's on his site somwhere.
  • Thequestion 121 - November 25, 2008 10:02 p.m.

    That was great! I never realized that Animal Crossing was such a horrible place!
  • aromickred - November 25, 2008 9:28 p.m.

    Wow how horrible! I now know the truth behind the animal crossroads.
  • GamesRadarBrettElston - November 25, 2008 9:12 p.m.

    Oh wow, I'd never seen that article on fromearth. Good stuff. If you like this one check it out too, it's tailored for Wild World.

Showing 1-20 of 41 comments

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