8 ways it could be worse for Xbox chief Don Mattrick
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Chin up, Don
Don Mattrick, President of Microsoft's Entertainment Business, has had a rough month. As the public face of the Xbox One, he's been criticised by the press, vilified by Internet comment fields, and mocked by his rivals at Sony. We feel for him. It isn't easy being public enemy number one.
As people who have felt the hot wrath of negative comment in the past (hey, we all make mistakes) we took pity on poor Don, and put together this short list of reasons that explain how the Xbox chief's situation could be a whole lot worse.
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He could be covered in angry bees
Let's face it, Mattrick would have had a tougher time at E3 if he'd been trying to present Microsoft's press conference while covered in a swarm of angry bees. "And here's a brand new game, exclusive to Xbox One, from Insomn... SWEET GOD GET THESE BEES OFF ME!"
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He could be wearing the red shirt
Don Mattrick looked uncomfortable in that grey suit, as Geoff Keighley interviewed him in the heat of the LA convention centre. However, we think he'd be even more uncomfortable in one of Star Trek's cursed red shirts. "To the transporter room. Kirk, Spock, Bones and ensign Mattrick beaming down..."
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He could be the father on an episode of Maury Povich
Discovering that you're father to a child, borne by a stranger who you had a one-night-stand with several years ago, and now can't stand to be in the same room as, is bad enough. Finding out on live TV, though, is torture. Sure, Don had to answer some awkward questions during E3, but at least he didn't have to answer to Maury...
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He could be cursed with the Midas touch
Poor King Midas. He loved gold. Until, that is, he was cursed for his greed; an affliction that meant everything he touched turned to solid gold. Sure, it was a trial for Mattrick to present Microsoft's game line-up to a room of hostile journalists, but at least he didn't turn Hideo Kojima into a life-sized Oscar when he shook his hand on stage.
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He could be a lottery loser
You hear stories about those poor people who have played the same lottery numbers for years. Then, one week, their numbers come up! Only they've forgotten to buy a ticket! Sure, it was tough to tell people Xbox One will cost $499 / £429, but imagine if Don had forgotten to buy his lotto ticket.
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He could be the owner of this car
There are few things worse than returning to your car after a day at work to find out some clumsy / malicious clown has scratched / broken a piece of it. Imagine, if you will, that Mattrick had returned from a difficult E3 presentation to find his car had rolled into the hotel pool. Disaster.
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He could be being pursued by a cyborg from the future that absolutely won't stop until he's dead
Selling exclusive TV deals and multimedia functionality to a group of hardcore gamers, during the Xbox One reveal, must have been tricky for Mattrick. But imagine if he had to do that while being relentlessly pursued by the T-101, sent back through time to change the future. Imagine it.
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He could be offline
Yes, yes--this was the obvious joke to make. Throughout it all, Mattrick has put on a brave face, but just imagine if the internet connection had gone down while he was presenting Xbox One at E3. "Patrick, why isn't the Battlefield 4 demo working? Really? That's ironic. Well have you tried resetting the router...?"
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Worse things happen at sea...
By now, Don should be feeling a little more relaxed. Lucky, even. As the gossip magazines like to remind us, there's always someone having a shittier time than you. So, the next time any of you feel down in the dumps, tell yourself this: at least you're not being mauled by a massive T-Rex, right? RIGHT?
Want more editorial and opinion that jabs directly at the exposed nose of E3 2013? Try our feature on Why Paying For PS4 Online Is A Good Thing. Not your thing? Check out this editorial on How Microsoft Dug Its Own Grave, And How It Can Climb Out.
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Rub3z - June 13, 2013 4:44 p.m.
Just conjured the most hilarious image of Don Mattrick sitting on a stage alongside Maury and a hysterical young woman, with an Xbox One on a table in between them, with the girl shouting down his ear about how she's had to put up with it because of him and how she can't afford the internet to support it, while Maury inquires of him, "Are you the father?" -
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patbateman17 - June 12, 2013 12:38 p.m.
I feel like #2 is a real missed opportunity for a Wicker Man reference and photoshop. Or maybe him getting roundhouse kicked by Nic Cage dressed as a bear. Either way, that movie is gold. -
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bass88 - June 12, 2013 7:40 a.m.
Along side this ( http://www.avclub.com/articles/renny-harlin-is-now-battling-brett-ratner-with-his,91980/ ) the Maury Povich slide is my favourite photoshop ever. And whilst not the same, the Xbox One could be the predecessor to ED-209: "You have inserted a preowned disc into Microsoft property. You have 15 seconds to confirm payment!" -
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BladedFalcon - June 12, 2013 7:20 a.m.
"we took pity on poor Don" Sorry, but it's kinda hard to feel pity for someone that straight up has said games like these: "Fortunately we have a product for people who aren't able to get some form of connectivity. It's called Xbox 360," (In other words, don't have online? fuck you, we don't care.) "I don't know what to tell you. Those business models exist today and they'll exist in the future." (In other words: SO what if what we're doing is shitty? people have done already and will do it later, so that makes it OK) "If you're backwards compatible, you're really backwards." (In other words: You want a feature we chose to ignore? FUCK YOU) I mean... Dunno if you guys remember that douchebag from ocean Marketing. But no one cut him any slack (not on this site either.) for being a dick to his customers. Why should be any different now? Anyway, amusing article regardless, even though technically, with kinect, Mattrick might as well have started the creation of the T-101 :P -
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CharThom - June 13, 2013 12:10 p.m.
You can't compare that guy for Ocean Marketting to Mattrick.. Mattrick did his research. Point 1: The largest majority of gamers nowadays have connection to the internet, so connected to the internet every 24 hours won't be an issue for the large majority of people and technically he is correct, there is an offline console, called the Xbox 360 which still will have ongoing support after the release of the Xbox One, you can't tell the tone of his voice through a written interview. Point 2: Yes, Mattrick is using this business model, it already exsists and will do in the future.. The point is he's controlling his business like a... BUSINESS! Just because it's video games, it's still Mattrick's business as he is the President of Interactive Entertainment at Microsoft, it's in his best interest to use a tried and tested formula which will exist now and in the future. Point 3 In a recent interview with Wall Street Journal, Mattrick has got his team to do research (again, a very key word in this reply) and found that only 5% of people played previous generation games on new consoles, it would be wasting company money to add that as it has shown it is rarely done by people. I don't think many people complained that their Sega Megadrive cartridges didn't fit into the Sega Saturn, or the Nintendo 64 cartridges didn't fit into the Wii, it's pointless to add it to new consoles cause times are changing. I wish people would just accept the future! -
BladedFalcon - June 13, 2013 12:58 p.m.
Fuck your future, I'll make my own ;) Also, there IS video of him saying that, and he sounds like a douche in it. Also his pasts comments reek of hubris, true or not, saying them like that is super douchy.