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8 horrible Achievements only a madman would attempt

Achievements eh? Pretty great, are they not? They simultanously extend the value of your games and extend the value of your e-peen, and when designed right they're big-time fun-times to boot.

Done wrong though, they're excruciating, time-spapping, soul-destroying horrors which should not be attempted by persons possessing either balanced mental state or anything else to do whatsoever. The following eight could have been designed as forms of corporal punishment. Capital even.


Dead Rising

Achievement: 7 day survivor

Above: Sleep deprivation will make you see things like this 

Why it’s horrible: You have to stay alive for seven days of in-game time. Which is 14 hours in the real world. Oh, and you can’t save. Cue at least a day out of your life spent foraging, barricading and cowering. And with a constantly depleting health bar that needs topping up via food, you'll probably spend that time eating more in-game that you are in real life. Want to know how much of a tactical micro-management nightmare that is? ThisThis is how much.


Bomberman: Act Zero

Achievement: Battle 10, 000

Above: No 

Why it’s horrible: You have to play 10, 000 battles in Bomberman: Act Zero. Just one minute of this awful game had been known to cause paranoid schizophrenia and self-harm.


Ridge Racer 6

Achievement: No crash victory: Single races

Above: That guy on the left is about to ruin your life 

Why it’s horrible: You have to win a race on every track with every car class. Without bumping into anyone or anything. Or being hit by anyone. With four classes and fifteen tracks, even over-achieving racing game aficionado Justin says that this one ‘sounds like a ball-ache’.


Quake 4

Achievement: Seasoned warrior

Above: Something like this should never become a chore 

Why it’s horrible: You have to compete in 5000 ranked online matches. As a PC-loving Quake 3 snob, just one online Quake match with a joypad rather than a keyboard and mouse sounds as much fun as hammering a nail into a brick wall using my head.

Next: Trials, tribulations, and the horror of a really long war...

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40 comments

  • PolarBearsInHeat - August 11, 2011 4:41 a.m.

    Seriously 3.0 is going to be the biggest bitch ever. level 100 and onyx medals on everything
  • Skykid - November 28, 2010 9:01 p.m.

    Don't try the "If they came to hear me beg" achievment on Halo:Reach. It's f*cking impossible and it drives you nuts.
  • Defguru7777 - November 26, 2010 2:27 a.m.

    I agree Achievements should be hard, but not impossibly difficult.
  • PolarBearsInHeat - November 25, 2010 8:54 p.m.

    using a disc sander on your face. Laughed myself off my chair
  • Duke1394 - November 25, 2010 8:05 p.m.

    Noone should be complaining about the "Seriously 2.0" achievement from Gears of War 2 The same Achievement from the 1st GoW is Hell At least in GoW2, you can get these kills in ANY mode, while the 1st requires it to be online
  • Heyexclamationpoint - May 9, 2010 4:13 a.m.

    Whoever said Burnout Revenge is right. That game turned me off on the concept of Achievements.
  • MitsuharuSan - May 9, 2010 1 a.m.

    As much as I know that online playing is really important nowadays, I truly think they should get rid of the online achievements. Yes, that's right. Not everyone has the time/connection to complete them, you know... I'm one of those poor-forgotten-souls wich does not connect to Live for a series of reasons (including paying a lot of taxes and things so I just can't think about losing money on a console online service), so I get seriously disappointed when I can't complete the achievements for a game because of that reason... I mean, give rewards or something for the ones that can/does play online, but stick the achievements for offline so everyone will have a chance.
  • Mexiflan - May 8, 2010 11:44 p.m.

    You guys remember that achievement in GHIII where you had to win 15 online ranked matches with a regular controller? I can't even play a song on medium with a regular f*cking controller.
  • scaz231 - May 8, 2010 7:42 p.m.

    What about the achievement in dark sector for getting 1000 kills in one online game. That was a bstrd
  • Rub3z - May 8, 2010 6:48 p.m.

    The Little Rocket Man achievement was in fact more a test of skill and patience than these soul-destroying examples. These, as the name of the article implies, are just lunacy. Btw, have you guys heard of the One Free Bullet achievement? That one was also hard, but I decided to get it on my first playthrough of Episode One :DDDD Yeah, Valve loves to make these kinds of tests of skill and willpower. More examples include: Beating all campaigns on expert in Left 4 Dead (1 and 2), The realism expert achievement, the gnome achievement in L4D2, playing through a campaign without taking damage from special infected in L4D1, no damage during a finale in L4D1, the protection achievements in Half-Life 2 were also pretty hard (protecting the buildings outside the missile silo comes to mind... *shudder*), and any of those Portal challenge achievements... now those are difficult... does anybody have all of those?
  • Silentboy - May 8, 2010 4:30 p.m.

    Yeah I gotta agree that Seriously 2.0 should have been here.
  • ihopethisisnotantistasblood - May 8, 2010 4:22 p.m.

    what about the bladder of steel from rock band 2
  • philipshaw - May 8, 2010 11:44 a.m.

    These are dumb, why would anyone waste their time trying to get these
  • KnightDehumidifier - May 8, 2010 7:14 a.m.

    Four words: Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter, with the most painful three achievements on Xbox 360... World Champion, Solo Champion and Co-Op Champion. How do you earn these, get the top spot (as in no. 1) on the leaderboards. Oh wait, how about an achievement for ten thousand kills in multiplayer? Sure! Also, there's another one for playing on multiplayer 8 HOURS STRAIGHT! In the words of Tracy Morgan, "NO, I AIN'T DOIN' IT!"
  • VictorRay - May 8, 2010 4:23 a.m.

    @Leyviur, I think that's more the level of god-like patience
  • Leyviur - May 8, 2010 3:52 a.m.

    I got 7 Day Survivor in Dead Rising. Does that make me a horrible person? Also, Infinite Undiscovery's Seraphic Gatekeeper achievement (which I also got) should be on this list. You have to beat the super hard secret boss on the hardest difficulty. Just so you know, the hardest difficulty's first fight involves fighting off two enemies who can OHKO you, have over 300 HP apiece, and you deal one damage per hit. In other words, torture.
  • Cyberninja - May 8, 2010 1:59 a.m.

    wow i think i would kill someone if i had to do any of these.
  • LIKEUCARE - May 7, 2010 10:45 p.m.

    A Trophy I kinda hated trying to achieve was that "The Six Pack" from Aliens vs Predator 2010. You have to play one ranked match with 6 friends from your PSN friendlist in the SAME TEAM... took forever to get... and since AVP2010 MP matchmaking sucks real bad, my patience almost ran dry! The nightmare mode in AVP2010 was a pain too... no checkpoints and if you die, you start all over again! At least, the missions are short so not too bad! Another Trophy I disliked... that Treasure Hunter in FFXIII. Have to "handle" every accessories and weapons of the game... took me a while, but still got it nonetheless. Trophies I hate the most are the ones depending on Online gameplay... since you depend on other players and that is not skilled-based of your own actions. 10,000 kills or something are crazy stupid trophies that are just a time sink and would simply prefer playing something else instead. But, everyone's gotta agree that the worst ever possible Trophies/Achievements would be the grindfest ones. Trophies requiring you to do the same thing over and over for months/years are purely lack of skill from developers. Some trophies/achievements with speedgaming can be lame too, but not impossible. Some collecting trophies sucks bad too... especially the ones that doesn't do a thing once you collected all the required stuff for the trophy unless you crave about unlockable concept arts...
  • Skykid - May 7, 2010 9:27 p.m.

    I bet Tiger is also sick of women harassing his with golf clubs. OHHHHHHH, BURN!!! Here is a few more that would drive you mad: Halo 3 Sandbox skull Vidmaster: Annual (Halo 3) Complete Force Unleashed campaign on HARD Vidmaster: Endure (ODST) Post Mortem (Halo 3) GAHHHH , Must. resist. bashing. controller. on. console. >=(((((
  • D0CCON - May 7, 2010 9:01 p.m.

    @allthegoodnamesweretaken I actually have Little Rocket Man. It can be a bit annoying driving with the damn thing, but I didn't think it was that bad overall. The One Free Bullet would be (if you ask me) harder and more annoying. I'll go for that only if I activate cheat codes first.

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