Achievements eh? Pretty great, are they not? They simultanously extend the value of your games and extend the value of your e-peen, and when designed right they're big-time fun-times to boot.
Done wrong though, they're excruciating, time-spapping, soul-destroying horrors which should not be attempted by persons possessing either balanced mental state or anything else to do whatsoever. The following eight could have been designed as forms of corporal punishment. Capital even.
Achievement: 7 day survivor
Above: Sleep deprivation will make you see things like this
Why it’s horrible: You have to stay alive for seven days of in-game time. Which is 14 hours in the real world. Oh, and you can’t save. Cue at least a day out of your life spent foraging, barricading and cowering. And with a constantly depleting health bar that needs topping up via food, you'll probably spend that time eating more in-game that you are in real life. Want to know how much of a tactical micro-management nightmare that is? This. This is how much.
Bomberman: Act Zero
Achievement: Battle 10, 000
Why it’s horrible: You have to play 10, 000 battles in Bomberman: Act Zero. Just one minute of this awful game had been known to cause paranoid schizophrenia and self-harm.
Ridge Racer 6
Achievement: No crash victory: Single races
Above: That guy on the left is about to ruin your life
Why it’s horrible: You have to win a race on every track with every car class. Without bumping into anyone or anything. Or being hit by anyone. With four classes and fifteen tracks, even over-achieving racing game aficionado Justin says that this one ‘sounds like a ball-ache’.
Achievement: Seasoned warrior
Above: Something like this should never become a chore
Why it’s horrible: You have to compete in 5000 ranked online matches. As a PC-loving Quake 3 snob, just one online Quake match with a joypad rather than a keyboard and mouse sounds as much fun as hammering a nail into a brick wall using my head.
Next: Trials, tribulations, and the horror of a really long war...