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6 soul-destroying jobs characters have to do in games

Unless you're the main character, the comic relief or Lan Di, most jobs in games are monumentally shit. Oh sure, Jimmy Saves the Girl might get to shoot aliens and bed busty chicks between the hours of nine to five, but what about all the other poor schmoes that aren't lucky enough to land the limelight? They end up in dead-end positions that the average gamer will never appreciate, that's what.

We're not even talking minimum wage stuff here. More like fatal 'you probably won't survive your first day in the job' work situations. So if you see any wanted ads for Burger Shot, Willamette Mall's food court or a mystery gig selling guns to a government agent, take our advice: keep the hell looking.


Burger Shot employee

Now hiring in: Grand Theft Auto IV

“But just think of the perks!?” you’re no doubt saying while shaking a fist angrily at your monitor. We agree, being a member of Liberty City’s premier fast food family would have its advantages. As many ‘almost totally mad cow disease-free’ burgers as you can stuff down your mouth hole. A fetching uniform fine enough to be wed in. And only a 72% chance of getting gunned down on any given working day.


Above: Where do we sign up?

While the lure of gratis processed beef is tempting, we don’t envy the constant fear of death these poor bastards must live with on a daily basis. Why, any minute some crazed Eastern European madman could come strolling through those doors, order a burger and, if he doesn’t like it, shoot whoever's on the other side of the counter right in their minimum wage-earning face.

Yeah, on second thoughts, we think we’ll just check those wanted ads again.


Any job at Willamette Mall

Now hiring in: Dead Rising

Working in a shopping mall must be great. Other than helping yourself to five fingered discounts at every shop you visit during your lunch, you could also get mauled by hordes of the undead on your break. Say what? Oh yeah, we forgot to mention this particular mall might have a slight problem with zombies. Really, though, it’s pretty small. You’d probably never even notice they were there.


Above: Oh man up, you wimp. Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill

Alright, so there’s a small to almost certain possibility that you’ll get your larynx torn out by Julie who used to work in the DIY store. But on the plus side, you can loot as many shops as you want. Willamette supermarket here we come!


Virtual zoo keeper

Now hiring in: Army of Two: The 40th Day, Zoo Tycoon 2

Shanghai’s zoo keeper must really be having the shit day to end all shiity days in Army of Two's sequel. Not only is his city being attacked by terrorists every few hours, but the bloody freedom haters even storm his place of work, killing most of his animal chums in the process.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, just think about how miserable he’ll be having to clean up all those rotting hippo intestines and rhino spleens. Although admittedly, it’s not as bad as the gig this guy’s stuck with…

We think we'll stick with the hippo intestines.

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33 comments

  • Wolverine08 - July 20, 2010 3:54 p.m.

    What about the shopkeepers in Red Dead Redemption. They keep getting killed every other freakin day! 'at least he can look forward to his retirement...oh' lol
  • CurryIsGood - July 20, 2010 4:02 p.m.

    poor Gob
  • MyUsernameIsLongerThanChrisAntistasPenis - July 20, 2010 4:08 p.m.

    Poor Gob, I really do feel bad for him...but I decided to be evil in fallout so I shot him in the face along with half of megaton.
  • bamb0o-stick - July 20, 2010 4:19 p.m.

    @Wolverine08 For some weird reason the merchants kill themselves off when I play. Like the tailor at Thieves' Landing keeps disappearing and I just get a prompt that the merchant is dead. Talk about rough times, the people are killing themselves off!
  • Xplosive59 - July 20, 2010 5 p.m.

    there should of been a quest where you have to smuggle gob to underworld and protect him from raiders and mole rats ect
  • ColonelKc - July 20, 2010 5:02 p.m.

    I felt very sad for gob.....until i nuked him. MUAHAHAAHA!
  • Brett35 - July 20, 2010 5:06 p.m.

    A city guard in oblivion especially in The Battle for Bruma
  • MaynardJ - July 20, 2010 5:18 p.m.

    Scientists in the Black Mesa facility from Half Life had a pretty bad day.
  • Rhymenocerous - July 20, 2010 5:53 p.m.

    I wonder if they'll ever explain who the hell the merchant is in Resident Evil 4. Also, Lara Croft's butler used to have it pretty bad, what with getting shot and locked in the fridge everyday by the sadistic bitch.
  • firehawk420 - July 20, 2010 6:41 p.m.

    LOL another quality article from you guys!!!!
  • Ampatent - July 20, 2010 6:50 p.m.

    Sheit? Really?
  • garnsr - July 20, 2010 7:34 p.m.

    Hooray, six wide sections in only two pages! Maybe this new format is giving us some progress.
  • 510BrotherPanda - July 20, 2010 8:02 p.m.

    I think the phrase is "... mountain out of a molehill" Meiks. And did you or someone else do this exact same topic a year or 2 ago? Still interesting though.
  • Cyberninja - July 20, 2010 9:20 p.m.

    what about anyone in a mgs game they get killed a whole lot
  • skynetiscoming - July 20, 2010 9:52 p.m.

    @Cyberninja Being a nameless henchman in any game would kinda suck. Following a set path all day long until someone shoots you in the back of the head without warning, or being knocked unconciuos and thrown off of a freighter so you can drown in your sleep.
  • MonkeyIslandFanatic - July 20, 2010 10:05 p.m.

    WHADDA YA BUYING? I know no-one cares about the game, but in TimeSplitters: Future Perfect there was an engineer for an evil eugenics company who actually complained about his job, whereas most of these guys seem pretty content.
  • Zeb364 - July 20, 2010 10:40 p.m.

    @MonkeyIslandFanatic: I care! I love that game, still play it occaisonally. And just a sidenote, he's actually not the only character in that game who complains about his job, alot of them do. The best is the gay henchman from the 60's who hates his job because he doesn't get to wear the skirts the henchwomen do.
  • Doctalen - July 21, 2010 12:14 a.m.

    That screen for Gob, that can't be from Fallout 3, you witness the explosion from 15 stories up so whatup with that?
  • Caio - July 21, 2010 12:24 a.m.

    Working at Black Mesa probaly sucked. Same goes for Aperture Science, maybe even a bit more. But what really takes the prize is signing a Dead Contract in Planescape: Torment. For all of 50 coppers, you are obligated to be ressurected and work for all eternity in a Mortuary. Must be awesome.
  • Thuperman - July 21, 2010 12:46 a.m.

    Also being a guard in Assassins Creed would suck as well.

Showing 1-20 of 33 comments

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