Unless you're the main character, the comic relief or Lan Di, most jobs in games are monumentally shit. Oh sure, Jimmy Saves the Girl might get to shoot aliens and bed busty chicks between the hours of nine to five, but what about all the other poor schmoes that aren't lucky enough to land the limelight? They end up in dead-end positions that the average gamer will never appreciate, that's what.
We're not even talking minimum wage stuff here. More like fatal 'you probably won't survive your first day in the job' work situations. So if you see any wanted ads for Burger Shot, Willamette Mall's food court or a mystery gig selling guns to a government agent, take our advice: keep the hell looking.
Burger Shot employee
Now hiring in: Grand Theft Auto IV
“But just think of the perks!?” you’re no doubt saying while shaking a fist angrily at your monitor. We agree, being a member of Liberty City’s premier fast food family would have its advantages. As many ‘almost totally mad cow disease-free’ burgers as you can stuff down your mouth hole. A fetching uniform fine enough to be wed in. And only a 72% chance of getting gunned down on any given working day.
Above: Where do we sign up?
While the lure of gratis processed beef is tempting, we don’t envy the constant fear of death these poor bastards must live with on a daily basis. Why, any minute some crazed Eastern European madman could come strolling through those doors, order a burger and, if he doesn’t like it, shoot whoever's on the other side of the counter right in their minimum wage-earning face.
Yeah, on second thoughts, we think we’ll just check those wanted ads again.
Any job at Willamette Mall
Now hiring in: Dead Rising
Working in a shopping mall must be great. Other than helping yourself to five fingered discounts at every shop you visit during your lunch, you could also get mauled by hordes of the undead on your break. Say what? Oh yeah, we forgot to mention this particular mall might have a slight problem with zombies. Really, though, it’s pretty small. You’d probably never even notice they were there.
Above: Oh man up, you wimp. Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill
Alright, so there’s a small to almost certain possibility that you’ll get your larynx torn out by Julie who used to work in the DIY store. But on the plus side, you can loot as many shops as you want. Willamette supermarket here we come!
Virtual zoo keeper
Now hiring in: Army of Two: The 40th Day, Zoo Tycoon 2
Shanghai’s zoo keeper must really be having the shit day to end all shiity days in Army of Two's sequel. Not only is his city being attacked by terrorists every few hours, but the bloody freedom haters even storm his place of work, killing most of his animal chums in the process.
And if that wasn’t bad enough, just think about how miserable he’ll be having to clean up all those rotting hippo intestines and rhino spleens. Although admittedly, it’s not as bad as the gig this guy’s stuck with…
We think we'll stick with the hippo intestines.