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6 life lessons to be learnt from Dead Rising 2

Looking to a game concerning the zombie apocalypse for advice might initially seem as sensible as necking a bottle of drain cleaner or discussing race relations with Mel Gibson. But peer a little deeper and Capcom’s undead slayer, and its bum-chinned protagonist Chuck Greene, are actually valuable fonts of wisdom for your daily life.

What follows are six of the sagest nuggets you can pick up, plus – just so you know that we’re doing this all scientific, like – evidence of them already being put into effective practice in reality. (That’s the thing that happens when you turn your console off.) And hey, if they’re good enough for Lady Gaga then surely they’re good enough for you…

1. Reality TV is evil

As seen in DR2:

As the game opens we see ol’ Chucky earning a crust by mowing down hordes of brain munchers on his chainsaw-laden motorbicycle as a star of hit TV show Terror Is Reality. Now don’t go thinking we’ve gone all wrong in the brain-space: this is clearly awesome, Running Man-inspired bad-assery. And nor do we buy into the ‘zombies are people too’ muck peddled by in-game hippies CURE. No, they’re not: they’re evil, stinking corpses and they should be dissected as graphically as possible. Much like hippies, come to think of it.

But soon enough it transpires that Chuck’s televisual notoriety is used against him, as he’s framed for releasing the horde of undead that cause the destruction of Fortune City and the events of the game itself. Ruined by reality-show inspired fame? Why does that sound so familiar...

As seen IRL:


Above: You do not want to be one of these people

The cautionary tales here are seemingly endless, and perhaps none is more famous than the case of Susan Boyle. Stunning the nation with her angelic (if you closed your eyes) performance on Britain’s Got Talent, the media storm that was whipped up led to her having a breakdown and checking into celebrity B&B, The Priory. Of course she later recovered and has sold over nine million albums. But others haven’t been so lucky. See: Les Dennis, and anyone who’s ever appeared on To Catch A Predator. Ever.

So steer clear kids. Although the easy fame and fleeting adulation are tempting, avoid appearing on reality TV like you’d avoid the showers in prison. Although in the case of To Catch A Predator this should already be obvious.

2. Steer clear of large crowds

As seen in DR2:


Above: A human death-trap

The zombie-fodder in DR2 are more your George Romero-style shufflers than 28 Days Later-esque screaming speed freaks, so the only way they pose a major threat is through weight of numbers or appearing in confined spaces. Avoid both of these like you’re a claustrophobic haphephobic and you’ll be fine.

As seen IRL:


Above: A human death-trap

It’s statistically proven that by traveling on packed public transport you’re 217%* more likely to catch flu, herpes, lupus, and a range of other debilitating illnesses. So, just like Mr. Greene, you’re better off giving crowded areas a wide berth. If this means swapping your high-powered city job for a new career as a farm hand, or identifying new species of penguin in the Arctic Circle, then so be it. Trust us, you’ll be safer in the long run.

*Source: a random number we plucked out of the air

3. Dress to impress

As seen in DR2:

Our spiky-haired hero knows that it’s not enough to just be good at defeating zombie armies, rescuing survivors, and repeatedly saving his daughter’s life (though that does all sound mighty impressive…). No, style counts as much as substance here so it’s also important to have a wardrobe that would make even Bjork blush. And with waitress outfits, fishnet tops and even a mankini, Chuck’s certainly not afraid to flash the flesh.

As seen IRL:


Above: Stop staring at her like she’s just a piece of meat

Just when you thought she couldn’t get any ‘wackier’, Lady Gaga recently took to the stage at the VMAs wearing a dress made from cuts of raw meat. Previous outfits include a gimp mask, a head-mounted telephone, and an ensemble constructed from Kermit the Frog puppets. But she’s also the biggest pop star on the planet. Coincidence? We think not. Shoot for the stars and you too could one day be rich and famous, all while wearing a three piece suit made entirely from cauliflower.

Keeping going for more priceless advice...

Topics

Capcom

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24 comments

  • Collymilad - October 10, 2010 2:09 a.m.

    Lady Gaga is the biggest piece of worthless shit to grace our TV screens for quite a while. I love the way she tries to be unique when she's just another piece of trash pumped out by the lowest common denominator machine. I can't be the only one that cringes when she makes her little speeches about being yourself and how she was "born this way" jesus christ. Sickening. She makes the average manufactured trash look almost realistic.
  • philipshaw - October 9, 2010 2:17 p.m.

    Beat the game a couple of times and I have to agree with every in this list
  • MisterFish - October 9, 2010 4:37 a.m.

    The teleporter won't work unless you have a touch screen. If you don't and you try to push it, you're just getting greasy fingerprints on your monitor. Clicking won't work either; you need to actually touch the button.
  • enlargedhousecats - October 8, 2010 10:41 p.m.

    take everything in moderation or you'll barf out your forehead
  • chilarome - October 8, 2010 10:08 p.m.

    i also learned that plasmids do not work. no matter how many *cough* dirty *cough* needles i stuck in my wrist, i had no fire or ice powers. sad face
  • chilarome - October 8, 2010 10:01 p.m.

    penguins don't live in the Arctic Circle.........
  • Babzors - October 8, 2010 9:23 p.m.

    haha love this game. definently better than the first. funny article
  • batman5273 - October 8, 2010 9:03 p.m.

    LOL! Kids are a pain!
  • MetalReborn - October 8, 2010 9:02 p.m.

    i lost 20 pounds while playing WoW. Im not even kidding lol. Who needs to eat when you can raid ulduar, amirite?
  • ThePeanutGangsta - October 8, 2010 9 p.m.

    Great article, and Lady Gaga wore that to campaign against eating meat which is just so contradicting and I learnt how to drive from Grand Theft Auto.
  • celticsfan645 - October 8, 2010 8:08 p.m.

    Pfff. Ill be impressed when you develop a teleporter for neatly drawn stick figures.
  • Grif - October 8, 2010 7:29 p.m.

    Great article, really funny read.
  • CARDYKEV - October 8, 2010 6:34 p.m.

    Have nobody heard of a "urinal bomb" before?
  • Koouunn - October 8, 2010 6:28 p.m.

    lol i reall y think that those blue prints for the teleporter wil REVOLUTIONIZE THE WORLD
  • AlSwearengenHatesCocksuckers - October 8, 2010 6:23 p.m.

    I would love to send Lady Gaga into a crowd of zombies with that dress on....
  • Dexsus - October 8, 2010 6:10 p.m.

    Shenannigans! Your teleportation device doesn't work.
  • Redeater - October 8, 2010 6:04 p.m.

    @Clovin64 +500 xp for best comment ever
  • FETALJUICE - October 8, 2010 5:43 p.m.

    That dude with his face in the urinal got owned!! lol Great article!
  • Cleanser247 - October 8, 2010 5:43 p.m.

    I think I'll rent first.....
  • 8bitBaby - October 8, 2010 5:38 p.m.

    lady gaga wouldn't get very far in that meat dress, in the middle of the zombie apocalypse. but these are some true words of wisdom.

Showing 1-20 of 24 comments

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