As the de facto figurehead of this little medium of ours, Mario is a tough dude to hate on. He’s adorable, his games are stellar, and he still stands proud as a shining beacon of everything that’s right in the land of vidjagames. But we take our Week of Hate responsibilities very seriously at GR… this must be done. We took a deep breath, poured ourselves another glass of Maximum Strength Haterade, and managed to unearth a few ghastly Dry Bones in the fat plumber’s closet.
Nintendo’s chubby mascot may shy away from talking and his rightfully earned royal consummation, but he's had enough “Partys” over the last decade to qualify as the videogame equivalent of Lindsay Lohan. Since 1998 the guy has thrown himself TEN lazy ass mini-game shindigs, leaving him too tuckered to star in more than THREE actual Mario games… And that’s counting New Super Mario Bros., itself a spiritual remake, so if you think we’re going to count New Super Mario Bros. Wii, you’re really pushing the boundaries of fandom. If Mario had parents, they’d have kicked his ass out of the house by now and forced him to get a real job.
Or, at worst, a whore. Seems like the guy is hellbent against making the games everyone actually appreciates. During his lengthy sabbaticals, what does the mustachioed marauder do? Nothing much… maybe play a little golf, tennis. He’s been “featured” in other people’s work more than Lil’ John. You wanna appear in DDR and NBA Street? FINE! But alongside Sonic?! To the youthful fanboy in us all… well that’s nothing short of the ultimate betrayal.
While you may not consider Yoshi’s Island part of the main Mario series because he’s only featured as a colicky infant, that “Super Mario World 2” subtitle doesn’t lie. As if that weren’t a bad enough blemish, this dumbass infant has wormed his way into everything but our hearts. While his appearance in Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time at least makes sense, cramming a baby in adds further insult to Nintendo characters who actually matter, and is stupid.
Mario may be of Italian descent, but the way he's lived on the dole without plumbing a thing in years is unmistakably U. S. of A of him. Further exemplifying the Ugly American stereotype, Mario cares not for Mother Nature. He’ll desecrate indigenous wildlife, he'll kick turtles for sport, and he'll throw an adorable dinosaur off a cliff in the name of a single coin. Thank goodness his utilitarian mannerisms are confined to games, otherwise this midget guinea would be crushing the world under his ecological footprint.
Even Alice of Wonderland fame didn’t chow down on this many ‘shrooms and lotus leaves. It seems no substance is too foreign for Mario to ingest, as long as there’s a remote possibility of performance enhancement, no matter how fleeting. Think of the children! Imagine if someone walked up to a schoolyard tomorrow and said to a bunch of kids, “Dude, this one’ll make you, like, heavy. This one will make you fast… but the leaf, feather and striped mushroom... well those’ll make you flyyyyyy, brother.” He’d be in jail for the next ten Mario games.
Mar 26, 2010
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