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5 reasons to hate Mario

As the de facto figurehead of this little medium of ours, Mario is a tough dude to hate on. He’s adorable, his games are stellar, and he still stands proud as a shining beacon of everything that’s right in the land of vidjagames. But we take our Week of Hate responsibilities very seriously at GR… this must be done. We took a deep breath, poured ourselves another glass of Maximum Strength Haterade, and managed to unearth a few ghastly Dry Bones in the fat plumber’s closet.


1. Mario Partys way too f**king much

Nintendo’s chubby mascot may shy away from talking and his rightfully earned royal consummation, but he's had enough “Partys” over the last decade to qualify as the videogame equivalent of Lindsay Lohan. Since 1998 the guy has thrown himself TEN lazy ass mini-game shindigs, leaving him too tuckered to star in more than THREE actual Mario games… And that’s counting New Super Mario Bros., itself a spiritual remake, so if you think we’re going to count New Super Mario Bros. Wii, you’re really pushing the boundaries of fandom. If Mario had parents, they’d have kicked his ass out of the house by now and forced him to get a real job.


2. Mario is a sellout

Or, at worst, a whore. Seems like the guy is hellbent against making the games everyone actually appreciates. During his lengthy sabbaticals, what does the mustachioed marauder do? Nothing much… maybe play a little golf, tennis. He’s been “featured” in other people’s work more than Lil’ John. You wanna appear in DDR and NBA Street? FINE! But alongside Sonic?! To the youthful fanboy in us all… well that’s nothing short of the ultimate betrayal.


3. Baby Mario

While you may not consider Yoshi’s Island part of the main Mario series because he’s only featured as a colicky infant, that “Super Mario World 2” subtitle doesn’t lie. As if that weren’t a bad enough blemish, this dumbass infant has wormed his way into everything but our hearts. While his appearance in Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time at least makes sense, cramming a baby in adds further insult to Nintendo characters who actually matter, and is stupid.


4. Mario is unkind to animals

Mario may be of Italian descent, but the way he's lived on the dole without plumbing a thing in years is unmistakably U. S. of A of him. Further exemplifying the Ugly American stereotype, Mario cares not for Mother Nature. He’ll desecrate indigenous wildlife, he'll kick turtles for sport, and he'll throw an adorable dinosaur off a cliff in the name of a single coin. Thank goodness his utilitarian mannerisms are confined to games, otherwise this midget guinea would be crushing the world under his ecological footprint.


5. Mario promotes substance abuse

Even Alice of Wonderland fame didn’t chow down on this many ‘shrooms and lotus leaves. It seems no substance is too foreign for Mario to ingest, as long as there’s a remote possibility of performance enhancement, no matter how fleeting. Think of the children! Imagine if someone walked up to a schoolyard tomorrow and said to a bunch of kids, “Dude, this one’ll make you, like, heavy. This one will make you fast… but the leaf, feather and striped mushroom... well those’ll make you flyyyyyy, brother.” He’d be in jail for the next ten Mario games.

Mar 26, 2010

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38 comments

  • CinnamonToastAntista - April 26, 2011 4:14 p.m.

    Is guinea the preferred nomenclature for persons of Italian origin?
  • crazyqazqaz - March 30, 2010 3:02 p.m.

    I do hope that you detect the note of sarcasm in the previous message and you don't all just think I'm a tw*t.
  • crazyqazqaz - March 30, 2010 3 p.m.

    Yeah, still waiting for Mario Karty! I bet I'm not the only one wetting themselves with excitement over that! WOOOO! UP UNECESSARY MARIO SPIN OFFS!!!
  • kaaos - March 29, 2010 2:30 p.m.

    plus people like nintendo cuz' of link,samus,and fox mcCloud.and maybe megaman
  • kaaos - March 29, 2010 2:28 p.m.

    plus luigi was always the good brother,another reason why mario maws down 10 mushrooms a second
  • kaaos - March 29, 2010 2:25 p.m.

    hahahahaha.i hate mario party,i hate that he made lebron james and kobe look like a couple of asses on the court and then he's a plumber,this is more embarassing than talking about how old snake has stress...poor old bastard
  • ScruffyTheJanitor - March 29, 2010 6:43 a.m.

    I LOVED Mario when I was but a wee lad but all these fucking party mini-game collections and smash bros games are just the same regurgitated SHIT over and over! give us somthing new to do Nintendo (preferably something that doesnt involve shitty motion controls)!
  • lxCooKiezxl - March 29, 2010 12:59 a.m.

    lol BTW im kinda new here, so fell free to add me as a friend haha ^-^
  • JustTheBoBreaker - March 28, 2010 11:52 p.m.

    The first couple of Mario Partys were good but god damn this plumber likes to party waay too much.
  • freezi42 - March 28, 2010 9:56 p.m.

    what ever happend to luigi?
  • foxyexplosion - March 28, 2010 9:52 p.m.

    haha, i like the article. Ive had enough of mario party too, its existance is a mystery to me
  • AuthorityFigure - March 28, 2010 1:35 p.m.

    Please take the capital P out of the first item's heading. It makes it hard to understand.
  • Picnic1 - March 28, 2010 1:18 p.m.

    How about the fact that he wsn't in the best platform game of his console on the SNES and N64? Donkey Kong Country was arguably better than Super Mario World. Banjo Kazooie was better than Mario 64.
  • penguinsrule3 - March 28, 2010 6:49 a.m.

    This article explains why mario was such an a$$hole in the contest of ultimate game character yes?
  • american-idiot367 - March 28, 2010 4:45 a.m.

    the last one is jst brilliant, thts like the number one thing i try to convince those retarded EXTREME mario fans... mario's fun, but its overrated
  • Noahguy1234 - March 27, 2010 11:34 p.m.

    Those are very good reasons, and I know it was hard for you to make this, but I still like Mario and worship him like a god (Just kidding, I'm a christian). I liked the reason about him promoting substance abuse. And the one about him killing people has been on my mind forever.
  • jesusfrk15 - March 27, 2010 6:41 p.m.

    i reallllly hate mario. i always have. zelda is the nintendo game for sure
  • crisdace - March 27, 2010 5:32 p.m.

    I personaly like baby mario.I mean whats wrong with babys.
  • Skykid - March 27, 2010 4:43 p.m.

    Welllll, someone can finally recognize that he is way too far past high to recognize reality: he sux.
  • cornzone2 - March 27, 2010 4:38 p.m.

    hello japan, good morning america, es fiesta time

Showing 1-20 of 38 comments

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