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5 of gaming's most cringe-worthy sex scenes

Video games are great at recreating loads of things. Decapitations. Winning touchdowns. Letting you go medieval on a giant crab's crustacean ass for some type of damage. What they generally suck at, though, is trying to replicate the tender act of love making between a man and a woman… or a woman and some sort of green alien thing.

With Kratos getting ancient Greece all hot and bothered again with his heroically horny God of War III antics, we thought it would be the perfect time to look back at some of gaming’s other embarrassing bedroom antics. Below you’ll find five cringe-worthy sex acts that not only prove video game romance is dead, but that it almost certainly never existed in the first place.


Oh, and the following videos obviously all contain scenes showing the sexy time. So anyone who's not old enough to view them should promptly navigate away from this page.


Mass Effect 2




We totally understand the whole 'opposites attract' thing. What we can't get onboard with is kissing an alien dude with a face so jaggy it looks like it would shred any incoming lips to ribbons. And are we the only ones who feel the need to take a shower after that last lingering pillow shot?


The Indigo Prophecy/Fahrenheit




Nothing says love like bumping uglies on the back of a freezing train. Correction: nothing says love like bumping uglies on a freezing train with a dude that's technically a zombie. Call us picky. But necrophilia just isn’t our thing.


Dragon Age:Origins




Hello, BioWare? Yeah, James Cameron just called and told us to tell you to stop taking inspiration from his sickly sentimental love scenes. The cheesy Céline Dion-esque music, the long pensive looks; this has about as much believable passion as rubbing a Ken and Barbie together.


Heavy Rain




Woah, don't attack us with pointy things. We know we're ragging on Heavy Rain yet again. But c'mon, Ethan and Madison's love scene is as awkward as a post-prom back seat fumble fest.


Leisure Suit Larry 3




There's nothing quite like seeing the intimate act of love making broken down into a bunch of 8-bit pixels furiously gyrating from side to side. Still, we've got to give props to the feather boa. That's some grade A Carry On-style shit of the highest order.

Mar 10, 2010


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36 comments

  • allthegoodnameswheretaken - March 10, 2010 12:07 p.m.

    All video game sex scenes are awkward and should be avoided.
  • FreekinIdiot - March 10, 2010 12:12 p.m.

    Don't you mean ...'awesome and shouldn't be avoided?'
  • allthegoodnameswheretaken - March 10, 2010 12:22 p.m.

    No
  • Unoriginal - March 10, 2010 12:35 p.m.

    Has there ever been a good one?
  • bamb0o-stick - March 10, 2010 12:35 p.m.

    Thanks for that spoiler image in the thumbnail for this article GR! I'm still waiting for Heavy Rain to be sent to me by GameFly! I don't think we have caught up in terms of "believable sex" in videogames. We can make a dude rip another guy's head off incredibly realistic, but we can't even make a man and woman even hug each other that believable.
  • crumbdunky - March 10, 2010 1:34 p.m.

    Hell, if they think that's awkward they should be watching me and the missus and our sweaty, whiny, way too skinny, bone bumping, "where do I put this thing?" sessions! Those scenes are WAY kess cringeworthy than 99% of the sex scenes I've ACTUALLY been involved in and a button pressing mini game would really make my real life sexperiences(see what I did thar?)much less blush inducing as I'd have a real sense of purpose for once rather than the vague aim of going on for long enough to satisfy(not her!)duty! I didn't realise that the GR staff all performed like they were in high class porn with their buff, toned bodies writhing in ecstasy while bringing their partners to hitherto undreamed of levels of sensual pleasure! They must all be the perfect balance of tenderness and power and stamina-the slick lotharios! You'd NEVER guess just by looking, now would you? Except for Mr Antista. Those bedroom eyes inspire me every time.
  • StrayGator - March 10, 2010 4:11 p.m.

    If you ever experienced difficulty remuving a bra, just remember: R1, L1, U+QCB.
  • Samael - March 10, 2010 4:24 p.m.

    Were you talking about Garrus in the Mass Effect sentence? Why did you show Thane? He's not jaggy at all. But if you were talking about Garrus, you don't kiss him in the ME2 romance scene, you touch foreheads, so that first "joke" isn't even funny. The others I generally agree with, but Mass Effect has fantastic romance (the 1,600 page Tali romance thread on the Bioware forums can show you that) so...I don't know why it was even mentioned.
  • ZombieAmmy - March 10, 2010 7:01 p.m.

    "And are we the only ones who feel the need to take a shower after that last lingering pillow shot?" Yes. The Thane romance is done very well, for a video game at least, and while it may not be perfect it certainly does not deserve to be on this list when the Garrus romance is a hell of a lot more awkward How the hell does a lizard looking alien freak you out more Garrus who is some sort of a combination of bird and dinosaur?
  • Cyberninja - March 10, 2010 11:51 p.m.

    how many articles are you going to do like this this week
  • bonerachieved - March 11, 2010 12:14 a.m.

    o god. indigo prophecy.
  • ichigoame - March 11, 2010 12:33 a.m.

    farenheit, woah..that was way more graphic than HR in the words of dara o' brian ''after watching that, wouldn't you just immediately switch to porn?''
  • JizzyB - March 11, 2010 1:28 a.m.

    Pfhh, that's not what sex is really like...right? That female Com. Shepard is really creepy looking. Oh, and Games Radar... I... I love you.
  • AnonymouZ - March 11, 2010 1:54 a.m.

    it's not indigo prophecy... it's farenheit... IP doesn't even show boobs. not normal looking ones anyway. and... i didn't mind the sex scene on Heavy Rain either... but the "kissing" is just... it just looks silly xD
  • wampastompa - March 11, 2010 2:42 a.m.

    I didn't mind the Heavy Rain scene, the graphic cues that keep popping up are hilarious. Did anyone else think the kissing sounds they used sounded REALLY gross though?
  • mgkyo666 - March 11, 2010 3 a.m.

    Ah love.......ROFL!
  • phoenix_wings - March 11, 2010 3:42 a.m.

    Most of the pretenses in which sex is inserted into games is just...weird and unrealistic. SPOILER In HR, you can pretty much say "Yeah...just killed a guy--shot him right in the head. And I might also be the Origami Killer." And Madison will still try to make it with you. Someone who just outright murdered a dude and still had the blood on his hands ain't somebody I want to get with.
  • Mike27 - March 11, 2010 3:44 a.m.

    Those polygons are a real turn on.
  • MattK - March 11, 2010 4:18 a.m.

    Ah, Leisure Suit Larry. Still making sex hilarious to watch after all these years (and I mean the classic Larry, not the shitty next gen sequels).
  • snothammer - March 11, 2010 5:18 a.m.

    @straygator: That really should become a meme or something. If I ever have to give someone sex adivice, which will never happen, I'll just say, "R1 L1 U+QCB." And do a barrel roll just for good measure.

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