The history of movies is loaded with jokes.
We all have lines that make us laugh - sometimes in spite of ourselves.
'They' say that laughter is the best medicine, so consider this the cinematic equivalent of a wander around Boots...
Do add your own favourites in the comments or send them on via Twitter ...
I use so much hand lotion when I am masturbating that when I see people in public using hand lotion I'm thinking, "Holy shit, they're about to jerk off!"
Hello, my name is Lilah Krytsick, and on our wedding night, my husband gave me something very long and hard... a new name.
There once was a woman who was quite begat. She had three babies named Nat, Pat, and Tat.
She said it was fun in the breeding, but found it was hell in the feeding when she saw there was no tit for Tat.
-Shoot 'Em Up
It's a family, the Cavanaughs - Ann and William. They're eating dinner, and they just finish, and their maid comes in and she clears the plates.
And they have two children, Betsy and Timmy. And Ann suggests that they all go into the drawing room, where Ann then braids Betsy's beautiful blonde hair.
The husband, he plays chess with Timmy - and then the maid comes in with strawberries and whipped cream, and they all eat a nice dessert. And that's the act.
What do you call an act like that?
The C**ks******g M****rf******s
“The doctor draws two circles and says ‘What do you see?’ the guy says ‘Sex.’”
So the doctor draws trees, ‘What do you see?’ The guy says ‘sex.’ The doctor draws a car, owl, ‘Sex, sex, sex.’
The doctor says to him. ‘You are obsessed with sex!’ He replies, ‘Well you're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!’”
-What about Bob?
Next: Insult Jokes
Three men are walking along the beach, a Mexican, an African American and a white dude. They find a bottle and when they rub it, out pops a genie. The genie grants them all one wish. The Mexican says, "I wish that all my Mexican brethren and me could be transported back to our native homeland and we could all be happy there.'
Poof! The Mexican disappears. The genie turns to the African American. "And what is your wish?"
"I wish that all my African brothers and I can all go back to our motherland and be happy and free."
Poof! The black guy disappears. The genie turns to the white guy. "And what is your wish?"
The white guy looks thoughful. "Are you telling me that all the s****s and blacks are gone from America?"
The genie nods. "Oh, in that case then, I'll have a coke."
-The Boondock Saints
How do you know if a Frenchman has been in your backyard?
Your garbage cans are empty and your dog's pregnant.
-Stand By Me
I seen your mother kicking a can down the street. I said ‘What you doin’?’ and she said ‘Moving’
-White Men Can't Jump
Next: Silly Jokes 1
Shelby comin' round the mountain when she comes, Shelby comin' round the mountain when she comes!
-The Pursuit Of Happyness
Do you see those two weevils doctor?
Which would choose?
Neither. There is not a scrap a difference between them. They are the same species of curculio.
If you had to choose. If you were forced to make a choice. If there was no other response...
Well then if your going to push me, I would choose the right hand weevil. It has significant advantage in both length and breadth.
There! I have you! You're completely dished! Do you not know that in the service, one must always choose the lesser of two weevils!
- Master And Commander
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
I don't know.
What do you call a blind dinosaur's dog?
You got me.
A Do-you-think-he-saurus Rex.
- Jurassic Park
What is the difference between the Cub Scouts and the military? Bzzzzzt! Cub Scouts don't have heavy artillery!
- Good Morning Vietnam
Stop me if you heard this one: Jesus Christ walks into a hotel. He hands the innkeeper three nails, and he asks...
Can you put me up for the night?
Kermit: Where did you learn to drive?
Fozzie: I took a correspondence course.
-The Muppet Movie
Next: Silly Jokes 2
Here is the Treasury Department's report, sir. I hope you'll find it clear.
Why, a four-year-old child could understand this report.
Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can't make head or tail of it.
- Duck Soup
Three tomatoes are walking down the street - a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato.
Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him... and says, "Catch up."
- Pulp Fiction
I have my temporary driver's license - and - my astronaut application form... I didn't pass that though, I failed everything but the date of birth.
A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and proceeds to get pissed.
The giraffe passes out on the bar floor. The guy gets up to leave and the bartender says, " OY! You can't leave that lying here!".
The guys says, "That's no lion, it's a giraffe!"
- 28 Days Later
I'll probably have to give my parents less money. It'll kill my father. He's not gonna be able to get as good a seat in the synagogue. He'll be in the back, away from God, far from the action.
Two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions."
- Annie Hall
You know, Scotland has its own martial arts. Yeah, it's called Fuck You. It's mostly just head butting and then kicking people when they're on the ground.
- So I Married An Axe Murderer
I am sure the familiar strains of Verdi's music will come back to you tonight, and Mrs. Claypool's cheques will probably come back to her in the morning.
- A Night At The Opera
I didn't know they had food in Ethiopia. This will be a quick meal. I'll order two empty plates and we can leave.
- When Harry Met Sally
You know what? This crocodile's like O.J. Simpson. He messed up when he killed that white woman.
I work harder than God. If He had hired me, He would have made the world by Thursday.
- Keeping The Faith
Will you look at that! Look how she moves! It's like Jell-O on springs. Must have some sort of built-in motor or something. I tell you, it's a whole different sex!
- Some Like It Hot
Next: Shaggy Dog Stories
So Pat says, he says, "They got this new bar... and you go inside and for half a buck you get a beer, a free lunch and they take you in the back room - they get you laid..."
Mike says, "Now wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Do you mean to say there's a new bar and you go inside and for a half a buck they give you a beer, a free lunch and they take you in the back room and they get you laid?"
Pat says, "That's right." "Have you ever been in the bar?"
And he says, "No, but me sister has."
This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away.
He says, "Now wait, let me get this strait. You're tryin' to tell me you'll bet me $300 that you can piss, standing over here, way over there into that glass, and not spill a single drop?" Customer looks up and says, "That's right."
Bartender says, "Young man, you got a bet." The guy goes, "Okay, here we go. Here we go." Pulls out his thing. He's lookin' at the glass, man. He's thinkin' about the glass. He's thinkin' about the glass. Glass. He's thinkin' about the glass, glass. Thinkin' about his dick. Dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass. And then, *foosh*, he lets it rip.
And he pisses all over the place, man. He's pissin' on the bar. He pissin' on the stools, on the floor, on the phone, on the bartender! He's pissing everywhere *except* the fucking glass! Right? Okay. So, bartender, he's laughing his fuckin' ass off. He's $300 richer. He's like, "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" Piss dripping off his face. "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" He says, "You fucking idiot, man! You got it in everything except the glass! You owe me $300 punta." Guy goes, "Excuse me just one-one little second." Goes in the back of the bar. In back, there's a couple of guys playing pool. He walks over to them. Comes back to the bar. Goes, "Here you go, Mr. Bartender, 300."
And the bartender's like, "What the f**k are you so happy about? You just lost $300, idiot!" The guy says, "Well, see those guys over there? I just bet them $500 a piece that I could piss on your bar, piss on your floor, piss on your phone, and piss on you, and not only would you not be mad about it, you'd be happy."
There's an old couple in bed. Mary and Paddy. And they wake up on the morning their... fiftieth anniversary.
And Mary looks over and gazes adoringly at Paddy, she's like, "Aw, Jesus, Paddy. You're such a good lookin' feller. I love you. I want to give you a little present. Anything your little heart desires, I'm going to give it to ya'. What would you like?"
And Paddy's like, "Aw, gee, Mary, that's a very sweet offer. Now, in fifty years, there's one thing that's been missing. And uh... I would like you to give me a blow job. I would like that."
And Mary's like, "All right." She takes her teeth out, puts them in the glass and she gives him a blow job.
And afterwards, Paddy's like, "Ah, geez, now THAT's what I've been missin'. That was the most beautiful, Earth-shatterin' thing ever. Beautiful Mary, I love ya'! Is there anything that I can do for you?"
And Mary looks up at him and she goes, [letting beer spill out of her mouth] "Give us a kiss!"
- Good Will Hunting
So Superman is out flying around one day, horny as hell, and he sees Wonder Woman sunning herself naked on top of the Justice League.
She's laying out there all naked and spread eagle, and Superman says, "I have GOT to get me some of that Wonder P***y." Then it occurs to him, he can just fly down, get in a few quick pumps, and be gone before anyone notices anything because he's Superman, right? She he flies down real quick, does his thing, and is gone in a flash. Wonder Woman sits up real quick and says, "What the hell was that?"
The Invisible Man replies, "I don't know, but my arse is killing me."
- Hollow Man
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