So the other night I was talking to my (non-gaming) girlfriend about games. I, nonchalantly as you like, mentioned the stock conceit of the noble old energy bar. She looked confused. She explained that the concept of using a carb-packed cereal snack as a way to measure one's own mortality made very little sense. I looked confused. And then it struck me.

As funny as the above (mostly true) story from my recent life may well be to a gamer well versed in the lingo and parlance of all things pixelly and fun, to non-gamers we probably make very little sense at all a great deal of the time. I'm not talking about our use of technical terms like sub-pixel quadra-poly phase mapping (or any that perhaps aren't made up). I'm talking about the way our appropriated use of everyday words and phrases see us making the same mouth noises as everyone else, but meaning something completely different by them. And that got me thinking about things from the non-gamer's perspective. Just what the hell do they really think we're on about? It turns out, they probably think we're talking the following 23 types of nonsense.

Gamers know it refers to: A graphical indicator of the in-game avatar’s current state of health, shielding or other analogue for general vitality.

Non-gamers think it means: A consumable snack comprising cereal and other high-energy foods.

Gamers know it refers to: A high dynamic range lighting effect whereby a soft glow emanates from a brightly lit object, affecting the objects and characters around it.

Non-gamers think it means: Hydroponic lighting kits. Like the ones commonly used to grow marijuana.

Gamers know it refers to: An in-game glitch which results in erroneous collision detection between two objects, perhaps causing a character to walk through a wall or fall through a platform.

Non-gamers think it means: A bad haircut.

Gamers know it refers to: A shot fired from an in-game gun or other projectile weapon which precisely strikes the cranium of an enemy or opposing player, more often than not resulting in an instant kill.

Non-gamers think it means: Those cheesy close-up photos that actors have in their resumes, that usually turn up alongside a load of low-profile TV soap credits in order to make them look all moody and serious in the programme for a panto.

Gamers know it refers to: A designated location within a multiplayer map at which eliminated players return to the game.

Non-gamers think it means: A pond.

Gamers know it refers to: A stock mission type, particularly prevalent in shooters, in which the player must ensure the safety of an NPC throughout a gauntlet of potentially fatal dangers.

Non-gamers think it means: Going out to find a prostitute.

Gamers know it refers to: A dedicated narrative selection of levels designed specifically for simultaneous co-operative play between two or more players, accessed and played separately from the game’s single-player component.

Non-gamers think it means: The advertising and promotional materials for a chain of shops or businesses owned by the customers who fund it.

Gamers know it refers to: The process of removing and reassigning an RPG character’s manually-allocated experience points in order to unlock a different skillset.

Non-gamers think it means: An eye test.

Gamers know it refers to: The recorded performance of a player, depicted in-game for practice purposes.

Non-gamers think it means: The findings of a paranormal investigator.

Gamers know it refers to: The buttons or triggers on the top or underside of a joypad.

Non-gamers think it means: Epaulets

Gamers know it refers to: The ability to upload game saves and other important data to a central server, as back-up against any potential malfunction of a local hard-drive.

Non-gamers think it means: A rain conservation barrel.

Gamers know it refers to: Any game mode that can be played with one or more other players, either co-operatively, competitively, simultaneously or by way of a turn system.

Non-gamers think it means: A CD changer

Gamers know it refers to: The use of powered writable memory built into game cartridges to save game data.

Non-gamers think it means: Carrying a spare battery around in case your MP3 player packs up on a long train journey.

Gamers know it refers to: Repeated execution of lower-level side-quests or combat in an RPG in order to attritionally increase an avatar’s experience level and abilities.

Non-gamers think it means: Really smooth masonry work.

Gamers know it refers to: Any given entry in the Call of Duty franchise, or the entire franchise as a whole

Non-gamers think it means: Fish.

Gamers know it refers to: A sculpted and textured polygon mesh used to build an in-game protagonist, enemy or NPC.

Non-gamers think it means: The poor bastards who go through years of theatrical and modelling training only to end up posing in a pirate costume for a fancy dress web-site's promotional photographs.

Gamers know it refers to: The crashed video display resulting from a fatal game glitch, more common during the golden gaming age of the ‘70s and ‘80s when unaccomodated high scores in particular would break a game’s internal mathematical system.

Non-gamers think it means: The crescendo of a particularly gory scene in a horror film.

Gamers know it refers to: The textured enclosure used by 3D games to simulate the sky in outdoor areas.

Non-gamers think it means: The thing that sits underneath the TV and decodes satellite television broadcasts.

Gamers know it refers to: An underlying character ability development system using a currency of experience points imparted in exchange for in-game actions.

Non-gamers think it means: A PC running a 10-year-old version of Windows.

Gamers know it refers to: A piece of 2D art used to depict an in-game character, object or special effect.

Non-gamers think it means: A small supernatural creature, usually humanoid and often having some sort of elemental properties.

Gamers know it refers to: An unblockable string of attacks in a fighting game, comprising or culminating in the execution of a special powered-up attack which is earned by charging a dedicated power bar.

Non-gamers think it means: A really good band.

Gamers know it refers to: A special retaliatory move in a fighting game, designed specifically to allow a player on the receiving end of a combo to interrupt the incoming string of hits with careful timing.

Non-gamers think it means: Yoko Ono.

Gamers know it refers to: The technique of applying a simulated bumpy or wrinkled texture to a smooth in-game object, and using a related algorithm to ensure dynamic aesthetic changes in-keeping with the environmental lighting in order to create the illusion of realistic, imperfect, surface.

Non-gamers think it means: Phrenology.