I mustache you a question...
They say that you can judge a man's character by the quality of his mustache. Wait, they don't? Well, at least I say that. Just as mustaches can convey a sense of heroism and charm (like a certain pair of mustachioed plumbers), the hair on one's upper lip can also inspire fear, chaos, and a general feeling of "yeah, that dude is evil."
So while you're sitting there, willing yourself some new follicle growth on your barren face, take heed. What follows are gaming's 13 most truly evil mustaches, along with the men who sport them. What you wear says a lot about you--and that includes that caterpillar chillin' on your mug.
Dr. Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik (Sonic the Hedgehog)
Who he is: Sonic's arch-nemesis, Dr. Eggman (or Robotnik if you refuse to let go of the '90s) is a supremely evil dude with a supremely evil mustache. He's an ambitious man--if your idea of ambition involves creating your own empire on the backs of its animal-turned-robot citizens. And if you follow the lore of the cartoon show (and who doesn't?), he's even responsible for turning Sonic's dad into an unfeeling automaton--an evil deed worthy of the name "Robotnik."
What this 'stache says about you: The bushy and general unkempt quality of this tea strainer tells people that you're a busy, mad scientist who can't be bothered with things like proper nutrition or grooming. Also, you're likely trying to hide something behind its length--whether that be your despotic demeanor or just your fat face.
Dr. Wily (Mega Man)
Who he is: Dr. Wily was once a kind, good-hearted scientist. He worked with Dr. Light to build the robots that contributed to society in the year 20XX, letting humanity focus on the things that truly mattered, like watching reality shows about celebrity chefs. After some creative differences, Dr. Wily (with mustache in tow) broke from his partnership and reprogrammed all of his robots to kick the tar out of the general populace, only to be stopped by the one thing he didn't count on--Mega Man.
What this 'stache says about you: While the gray hair and thick locks of your handlebars suggest membership of the intelligentsia, the fact that it's almost a mirror image of your hair makes it seem as imaginative as your boss-naming scheme. Quick Man? Heat Man? Real original there, dude.
Wario (Super Mario Land 2)
Who he is: What do you get when you cram the Japanese character for "bad" into the name of the world's most popular Italian plumber, then give it a spiky, angular mustache? You get Wario, the evil villain of Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins. Since his turn as Mario's slovenly nemesis, he's taken on his own role as Nintendo's avaricious anti-hero--allowing Nintendo to explore its naughty side.
What this 'stache says about you: This expertly manicured snot-catcher gives you that edgy, devious quality lacking from your goodie-two-shoes cousins. It also belies your more slobbish nature. Sure, you may scarf down way too much garlic, but you know how to craft a good 'stache.
Waluigi (Mario Tennis)
Who he is: Waluigi is pretty much the worst character ever. Want proof? The only reason for his existence is because Wario needed a tennis double. Sure, Waluigi's name makes sense (literally meaning "bad Luigi" in Japanese), but it lacks the cleverness of his fatter, more successful partner. Turn an "M" upside-down, you get a "W." Turn an "L" upside-down? You just get an upside-down "L." His evil deeds range from mischievously playing sports, to riding dirty in Mario Kart. Diabolical.
What this 'stache says about you: While you may not have an original bone in your body, at least your mustache fits your personality. Its pencil-thin strands of hair and its razor-sharp points perfectly embody your cheating, sneering heart--like a Hong Kong bootleg of Snidely Whiplash.
LeChuck (The Secret Monkey Island)
Who he is: LeChuck has been through a lot of life changes over the years. First, he tried to take over the Caribbean as a ghost, then as a zombie, then as a flame-encrusted demon. Unfortunately for him, his nefarious plans have been foiled every time by the naive pirate wanna-be Guybrush Threepwood. Still, building an evil theme park and gentrifying the tropics with themed sushi restaurants is an impressive feat, even if both were destroyed by a man with the mindset of a ten-year-old.
What this 'stache says about you: Technically, you're rocking a nice beard, but what is a beard if not a mustache that covers your whole face? This flavor saver is essentially the ideal facial hair for the burgeoning buccaneer--it's long, rugged, and sometimes even made of fire. It suggests you've seen the world, had your share of adventures, but are now ready to settle down and build up a nice undead empire.
Who he is: As the famous quote goes, "What is a man? A miserable pile of secrets, incapable of growing a slick mustache quite like Dracula, the king of the vampires." Based on the Dracula of literary fame (in turn based on the infamous Vlad the Impaler), Castlevania's version of the fabled bloodsucker isn't interested in kidnapping maidens as much as he is in being the ultimate personification of evil. Through countless games he has haunted the Belmont family and inflicted numerous terrors on the countryside--always to return after every supposed defeat. And always wearing a badass mustache on his face.
What this 'stache says about you: You are probably waaaaaaay into Bela Legosi (and, surprisingly enough, John Waters), art gallery openings, cappuccino, and Bauhaus records. Also drinking blood--definitely lots of that.
Lance Vance (Grand Theft Auto: Vice City)
Who he is: Lance Vance is the cocaine-happy drug dealer who helps protagonist Tommy Vercetti on his Scarface-like rise to the top. He's also an impulsive loose cannon, and doesn't take kindly when it seems that his efforts are underappreciated. Pissed at playing second fiddle, he sells Tommy out to his old mob boss, culminating in a show-down on par with every 1980s action movie ever made. In short, don't mess with Lance Vance.
What this 'stache says about you: You really need to cool it with the white blazers and the Ferrari 308 GTS pictures on your cubicle wall, Tom Selleck. Magnum, P.I. ended years ago.
Revolver Ocelot (Metal Gear Solid)
Who he is: Despite his inauspicious roots as a Russian Spetznaz officer (with an odd American accent), Revolver Ocelot quickly grew into the megalomaniacal tyrant he is today. Feared across the world as the mythical "Shalashaska," Revolver Ocelot's expertise with his titular weapon (a weaponized Ocelot) and his uncompromising stance on nukes, torture, walking battle-tanks, and other happy beams of sunshine make him and his glorious mustache a force to be reckoned with.
What this 'stache says about you: Along with that pistol you keep packing (much to the chagrin of the patrons of your local Chipotle), your lip rug is a dead giveaway for your obsession with Spaghetti Westerns. At least your nanomachines give it a nice, healthy sheen.
Andrew Ryan (Bioshock)
Who he is: Is man not entitled to the sweat of his brow? Or, in this case, his meticulously cultivated mustache? Andrew Ryan thought so--and built the underwater objectivist utopia of Rapture to escape persecution from the clean-shaven plebes. No one bothered to think about who would be responsible for cleaning up everyone's mess, however. After a great war, Rapture was left in ruin, leaving Andrew Ryan king of his underwater prison--and thus the sole admirer of his kempt lip hair.
What this 'stache says about you: You probably think Ayn Rand was a bit too soft. Your pencil-thin mustache also makes you look a bit like a Bond villain--and you've likely got the swivel chair and strokable cat to match.
Soda Popinski (Punch-Out!!)
Who he is: As a stop on Little Mac's "Punching Through Ethnic Stereotypes" tour, Soda Popinski is one of Punch-Out's more formidable foes. With the power of soda (not vodka, Nintendo assures you) and a singular Fu Manchu adorning his otherwise bald visage, Popinski towers over Little Mac, assailing him with massive uppercuts and recharging his health with a refreshing dose of carbonated water (again, totally not vodka).
What this 'stache says about you: You know what? I don't want to get socked in the jaw, so I have nothing snarky to say. I'm sure you're a lovely person.
Heihachi Mishima (Tekken)
Who he is: Heihachi is one bad mother, probably the baddest of the entire Tekken franchise--and this is a series with a boxing velociraptor and a demonic samurai. You don't throw your son into a ravine and end up with the "Father of the Year" award, and you don't take over a military conglomerate and run the most brutal fighting competition in the world without breaking a few bones. He may look like an old man with graying hair, but you do not want to mess with his spiky coif--and his even spikier 'stache.
What this 'stache says about you: An imposing figure needs an equally imposing mustache, and this style will certainly strike fear into the hearts of your enemies. The only thing more impressive are his massive hair spears. Gel much?
King of All Cosmos (Katamari Damacy)
Who he is: Perhaps the worst kind of villain is one who doesn't know he's a bad guy. The King of All Cosmos has a tendency to unknowingly destroy all of the stars in the universe in the midst of his drunken escapades. What's worse, he sends his poor son to clean up the mess. As if things couldn't get more depressing, the King does not tolerate failure--so when his son slacks on the clean-up job, the King blasts him with lasers from his eyeballs as punishment. This is bad parenting on a whole new level.
What this 'stache says about you: You're a smug and aloof sort, and you're completely unpredictable. No one knows if you're being sincere in your insanity or are simply trolling everyone for laughs--like Salvador Dali and Andy Kaufman rolled up into a single mass of assorted odds and ends.
Mecha-Hitler (Wolfenstein 3D)
Who he is: In addition to being responsible for countless war crimes, Adolf Hitler inspired his Nazi regime to partake in weird and esoteric experiments. Wolfenstein 3D took this to its most extreme conclusion--what if the Nazis actually succeeded in creating an army of undead soldiers? And what if they were able to bionically enhance existing soldiers with mounted gatling guns and robotic armor--with Hitler leading the charge? Man, that guy was a dick.
What this 'stache says about you: You're probably Hitler. Or you're Charlie Chaplin without the cane and bowler hat. But most likely Hitler.
...But I'll shave it for later
Be wary if you attempt to sport any of these nose neighbors. People might think you're in league with this dastardly band of misfits--unless that's the kind of look you're going for. Just don't blame me if someone mistakes you for a mad roboticist with delusions of grandeur. Did I miss your favorite fiendish face follicles? Let me know in the comments below!
Looking for some new ink to go with your new villainous mustache? Check out our list of gaming's sickest tattoos. And what goes best with a full 'stache and sweet tattoos? Heavy metal, of course! Here's a list of some of the shreddingest covers of your favorite soundtracks.