10 gamers you'll meet during the console wars

If there were pre-orders for pre-orders, the Gun-Jumper would be first in line. Scratch that--they'd be the ones camping out to be first in line for that preemptive pre-sale for a system they heard might be revealed at E-Pax Eurocom 2014. Indeed, Gun-Jumpers are the first to announce their allegiance to a given system, and they don't wait for trivial things like technical specs, developer rosters, and online policies to make up their mind. Granted, the line between Gun-Jumpers and Flip-Floppers (see next slide) can be as thin as a press release, but for the most part Gun-Jumpers will stay their course come hell or high water. Unless they're making the wrong decision... which is impossible. Right?

Why we need them: Gun-Jumpers defend the frontlines of the console wars. They're the first to fire, the first to recruit, and the first to pick us up when we're losing faith in our super-machine of choice. Without them, we'd forget what we were fighting for in the first place.

The Flip-Flopper is the ying to the Gun-Jumper's yang. Where the Gun-Jumper will lock-in their decision from day one, Flip-Floppers will dance back and forth between systems on a daily basis, often waiting until well after a console's launch to make their pick based on first-hand reports. Until then, you can find the Flip-Flopper lurking in the shadows, gathering facts and building a detailed case for and against every console on the market. Sadly, the Flip-Flopper is doomed to be forever doubtful, as even when they do dip their toes into the next-gen waters, you'll find them staring listlessly at other display models wondering if they made the right choice.

Why we need them: The Flip-Flopper provides balance in the often heated next-gen debate. As a neutral agent, they motivate loyalists on both sides to drop the rhetoric and find convincing arguments as to why the Flip-Flopper should join their side.

Like Bruce Wayne to the Bat Signal or Superman to a crying baby, the PC elitist* pounces into action whenever talk of console gaming threaten to tear the industry asunder. It only takes a whisper of non-PC entertainment to stir this vigilante into action and send him swooping in to forums to save ignorant gamers from themselves. PS4? Xbox One? What is this, 2009? As the PC Elitest is eager to point out, consoles will never achieve the purity that is PC gaming. And so, it is the life-long burden of the PC Elitist to show console players a 'better way', lest they grind the industry to a halt with their destructive gaming choices.

Why we need them: Despite their belief that console players are willfully trapped in a hellish, mod-free prison, PC elitists serve as a reminder that we really do have options. In some cases, PC gaming can actually bring more to the table... provided you have the cash, patience, and technological know-how to keep up. What's more, most PC elitists are (mostly) willing to assist you in obtaining PC-gaming prosperity (provided you admit they were always right).

*First appearance: The Top 7 Stereotypical gamers we hate.

Think you're on top of the all the latest developments? The truth teller begs to differ. Not only are they linked in to all the real sources, they possess a Sherlock Holmesian ability (that's a phrase, right?) to connect the dots and predict a company's every move. “Just watch,” they say. “Wait for it,” they tease. According to them, the truth is a treasure only they have the insight and tenacity to uncover. You may think you understand the PS4's pricing strategy or why Microsoft chose the Xbox One's launch date, but in the truth teller's eyes you're just another sheep reciting what you've heard from the flock. How do they know? They just do (and they've got at least 10 random links to prove it!).

Why we need them: 99.5% of the time, the truth teller is repeating what they heard from another, more obscure 'source' (See slide #10). But on that rare 0.5% occasion, they reveal a connection or fact few have considered. If anything, the truth teller is the devil's advocate who keeps us on our toes and questioning what we think we know.

Did you hear?! The Xbox One is a secret weapon for the NSA! The PS4 will set your used games on fire! And the Wii U? A developer you never heard of tweeted it's less powerful than an alarm clock! To the overreactor, every snippet of next-gen information is an excuse to elevate the tone of a console debate to Defcon Level 1. It doesn't matter if they're freaking out over a feature they can choose to ignore, or ranting about the lack of a feature they'll never use. All that matters to the overreactor is arming themselves with alarming “facts” and rumors that can be lobbed into next-gen discussions as verbal grenades.

Why we need them: There are always important details that studios either attempt to sweep under the rug or otherwise go unnoticed. Thanks to the overreactor, we have more information from which to form our own opinion--even if that information feels like it's being screamed into our ear by a lunatic in a tin foil hat.

Investing in a new console for one game is a gamble, but it's a risk the exclusive snob is willing to take. For them, it's not about hardware, operating systems, or which console can Skype the fastest. It's all about that specific game they believe will be the secret weapon in the next-gen war. Sure, all they've seen are sizzle reels or slickly produced interviews, but that's all they need to hitch their wagon to that one prize steed and ride it through to launch day. If that game happens to live up the hype, you'll hear about it. Constantly. And if it happens to be an over-hyped turd? They'll defend it until their dying day.

Why we need them: We can lose ourselves in the tiny details and system nitpicks, but at the end of the day, isn't the whole point to play games we enjoy? Thanks to the exclusive snob, we're reminded about what counts, and we're better informed about our launch day selections.

The source goes by many other names: “Ex-Employee”, “Anonymous staffer”, “Contact”, “Leaker”, “Industry Insider”, etc. In all cases, the source is typically the primary spring of knowledge from which news outlets draw their information from in the months leading up to a console's official reveal. The source is the secret agent in the next-gen war; an industry Deep Throat that risks their livelihood and reputation to keep the rumor mill churning. They know everything from the name of the new console (Durango! Orbis!) to the look of the box (Glass case! Ridiculously shaped black thing!) and even how much more powerful one console will be compared to the other (200%! 700%!). Closer to the launch, the source will adapt their approach, reporting on shipping problems, early hardware issues, and developer reactions. In retrospect, The source typically turns out to be as accurate as a video game word generator, but it's the occasional nuggets of truth that keep them in business.

Why we need them: Because reliable sources exist and they can be the impartial piece of the puzzle that helps gamers sift through all the PR jargon and achieve their final form: The truth teller.

Born with a silver DualShock in his hands, the Richie Rich has never sullied themselves in a console war, because they've never had to choose. For the Richie Rich, a new console generation simply means instructing the help to clear a space in the entertainment wing. No, the Richie Rich doesn't care which system is best, because in the end they'll own every console, just like in the last generation. And you'll know it too, because he'll delight in blending in with the peons, lighting up his cigar, and casually reminding everyone how he doesn't see the point in getting all uptight over game systems because, hey, he's just going to get them both anyways. What's that? You can't afford them both on launch? Pity, maybe you should get a real job.

Why we need them: Their mouths don't say much, but their wallets speak volumes. Thanks to the Richie Riches of the world, we can sleep tight knowing that the console manufacturer we're ignoring won't go bankrupt without our support.