Taking things too far
Video games are chock full of insane achievements, from speed-runs that make The Flash look like a chain smoking, scooter crushing slob, to high scores worthy of the heavens. It's also an area in which the medium remains completely unique. You can't very well read War & Peace in under a minute or fast forward through the Transformers trilogy and still understand what's going on actually scratch that last one. With the introduction of achievements, these outlandish efforts have become well and truly mainstream, a new and neurotic goal for hundreds of millions of gamers worldwide with nothing better to do than to crush x amount of bugs for y amount of digital street cred--and for that we salute you.
Unfortunately, with all these extra contestants now milling around, our beloved industry is close to running out of truly sadistic challenges. It's with this grave threat in mind, that we humbly suggest 8 insane tasks, as dictated by some of Shutter Island's stabbiest inmates. Enjoy.
Completing tricky platformers while drunk
Go home gamer, you're drunk. Drunk enough, that is, to attempt this liver-splitting act of inebriated co-ordination Try saying that one 30 times in a row when you're next off the wagon--Hint: It feels an awful lot like wasting a day. The trick to this multiplayer party game--loners feel free to substitute stuffed animals and a crushing sense of despair--is to gauge your personal peak level of inebriation. Once that's done, you'll then need to ensure that each member of your hard-drinking harem is suitably smashed, topping out somewhere between just confident enough confidence to dance' and 'stomach pumping a-go-go'.
Next, pick out a suitably nightmarish action platformer--say Super Meat Boy, or Rayman for the PlayStation--and just have at it. With eyes like a malfunctioning Oculus Rift, and hands so slow you'd swear they were packing 5 Power Gloves apiece, besting any level is going to feel like a delightful descent into madness. For added challenge, try to beat the title before any of your angry, pad-smashing pals remembers who suggested this terrible mini-game in the first place.
Complete a simple in-game trial with a derped control scheme
Fortunately, for those of you with a strong aversion to alcohol, there are other means to achieving complete, mind-bending incompetence. If the seedy world of Breaking Bad taught us anything it's that crystal meth--like all drugs--has absolutely no adverse effects whatsoever. Incidentally, did you know that GamesRadar is really a front for Columbian drug cartels? Well it is - so don't tell anyone.
Of course, we're not actually talking about narcotics here--there are, after all plenty of legal means to laming your brain and having a bloody good time doing it. Case in point, the 'Annual Control Scheme Switcheroo and Sunday Bakeoff' (patent pending), an idea so devilishly twisted it can turn even the most astute of frontal lobes (the ones in your noggin) into opposing footy fans on match day. Players begin by randomising a friend's control format--for the best results, go with a title that allows for complete re-mapping--before attempting a tricky--and preferably timed--level. A winner is declared when the gamer with the biggest nosebleed finally collapses.
Ultimate co-op: One player on each side of the pad
They say a friend in need is a friend indeed. Personally, I've never understood that maxim. Are 'they' really trying to suggest that a friend on the end of a terminator's hit list is better BFF material than that guy who's always buying you things and complimenting your eyelashes? I think not. Thanks Jeremy. No, the real test of brotherly love, firm friendship and awkward, unrequited man-feelings is the one-and-only 'Ultimate Co-op Extravaganza!
One player assumes command of the left side of the pad, while Mr. or Mrs. Right takes up position on the opposite end. Like a three-legged race for sadists, this style requires extreme cohesion, unshakeable trust and above all, a partner who isn't a complete douche. In fact, this strenuous test is so effective, it really ought to be issued to newly married couples--preferably somewhere between the aisle walk, and eventual 'i-do's. "Do you take this man" - BAM: Streets of Rage, final boss, one moves, one punches--zero do-overs.
Ultimate co-op 2: One player is blindfolded, the other guides
If you thought we were done with crazy co-op shenanigans, then I'm afraid I've got some bad news. Let's say you have a problem with sharing a joypad--maybe it's covered in sweaty hand gunk, maybe you have leprosy. In either case, youll now be needing the 'Ultimate co-op Extravaganza Mk. II', aka 'the Widow Maker'. Designed by Swiss experts in an attempt to measure the effects of radiation on fat children, this process sees one player blindfold the other, before loading up a mystery title. Player 2 then sets to guiding player 1 using a series of verbal clues--yes, just like those annoying Scottish blokes in rally racing.
For an added oomph, players can select a game that's woefully, bafflingly unsuited to the task at hand. Something along the lines of Serious Sam or Ikaruga.
Use the exact wrong kind of peripheral for play
Nothing screams buyer's remorse quite like a plastic spatula mounted on a wiimote. Video game peripherals used to mean something, damnit. Remember the control port boomerang for PlayStation? The immortal Namco GunCon? How about Donkey Konga's bongos?! Gone, all gone. Fortunately, for those of you still in possession of these bygone bad boys, there are a few taxing challenges yet to be accomplished.
Start out by mixing and matching the worst possible combos of game and peripheral you can find, then get to testing. If they'll successfully sync up, then it's time to get down--to a gruelling day of gameplay the title's designers never, ever envisaged. Ever beaten Halo with a Cyberbike? Finished Dark Souls with a steering wheel? Bested Doom with a DVD remote? Then you sir, are a rank amateur, and I spit at thee.
Turn on every single cheat and attempt to play the game normally
Like a hapless sap trapped in a revolving door, cheat codes had only appeared to be on their way out. Luckily, for fans of wanton weirdness, some titles have bravely retained these codes, championing absurdity for yet another generation. In the case of the sandbox title, punching in any one cheat usually equals shenanigans. But what about inputting them all? That'd be pretty zany, huh? Pretty whacked out. Trippy, radical and so forth. Dude. Now, how about trying to complete the game this way?? Not so fun anymore, right? Well, maybe.
Imagine kicking off an early escort mission, only to find that your car--now sporting gigantic wheels--has absolutely no intention of adhering to the laws of gravity. And what's that? A group of well-armed pedestrians is gunning for blood, and everyone owns a tank? Too bad, bud, that brain-deadening fetch quest isn't just going to fetch itself. Now step to it.
The low-scoring spectacular
Choosing to replay a game from your youth usually results in one of two set-menu reactions either (a) 'how bafflingly crap was I?' or (b) 'how ridiculously skilled did I get'. This latter option usually entails that the title in hand was one tough mother, and yet you--in your lengthy bed-wetting phase--were still able to surmount its challenge. Not only that, but you won with some of the worst scores, and most woeful strategies imaginable. You were an infant specimen, a god-like combo of impulse, skill and sugar-highs.
So what exactly went wrong? Well, for starters, you actually learned to play those games correctly, to grind for higher levels, seek out better loot and merrily grease the wheels of progress. However, where this little challenge is concerned, infant ignorance is bliss. Simply pick up a title, perhaps an RPG, and attempt to rush the game like an impetuous imp. That means no slowing down for saves, no careful progression, and absolutely no grinding. Do you have what it takes to crush Sephiroth with a squad of undernourished saps? Or take first place while crashing into every wall? Then make like the BBC and embrace your inner-child.
Real world challenges in-between game rounds
When was the last time you truly tested your might, I mean really gave it a good old testing? Odds are, it's been a while. Lucky for you then, that there's the patented GamesRadar strength and might-o-meter, the all-in-one sefl-help system that's doing wonders for the bodybag business. The rules of this challenge are as follows: Begin with a multiplayer title of your choosing and complete a single, solitary round. Next, spend countless hours of your life replicating said level as a real world competition.
For Mario Kart lovers that means tearing up the M25 in an extremely crushable buggy. For Street Fighter fans: a chance to kick your best buds in the teeth, and Crackdown addicts, an opportunity to paint the town 'swan dive splatter red'. The main rule with this challenge though, is Dont ever do it ever. Unless youre playing Tetris and have some Jenga blocks to hand. Dont use house bricks though. It will go wrong.
Still have work to do?
Do you have any insane challenges stashed up your sleeves? What's the craziest feat you've ever accomplished in a video game? Why don't dogs talk back? Answer these queries, and more, by scrolling down to the comments section below.
And while, you're here, check out some of our related features. To keep things hardcore, why not set your sights on The Top 7... Amazing unlockables (that are nearly impossible to unlock), and then decry 12 unfair fighting game bosses who (almost) made us rage-quit.