What would you do with a time machine?

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Misusing science for the betterment of gaming

The plan: Remember the scene in Fight Club where Brad Pitt drags the guy out of the convenience store, sticks a gun to his head, and tells him if he's not a veterinarian within a year, Pitt's going to come back and shoot him? Well, instead of a convenience store, it's 3D Realms in 1997, and instead of “a guy,” it's 3D Realms head George Broussard, and instead of “becoming a veterinarian,” it's “putting out Duke Nukem Forever by Christmas.” It's still Brad Pitt, though. You convinced him to come with you. Because that just makes the whole thing hella boss.

1. Stop the 1983 Video Game Crash

The plan: Stop the flood of no-hoper consoles (Bally Astrocade! Emerson Arcadia! Fairchild Channel F!) at their source by infiltrating the machines' manufacturers, pointing at a prototype unit, and asking, “Seriously?” Buy up all copies of notorious Atari titles Pac-Man and ET: The Extra-Terrestrial, and do absolutely anything except (a) burying the damn things in a damn landfill, or (b) playing them.

Potential complications: Without the warning that gamers wouldn't just buy any old piece of crap if it was named after as a popular movie or arcade game, game publishers ruthlessly abuse any license they manage to acquire. This creates a climate so unlike our own that even Steven Hawking is unable to speculate on how it might be to live in such a world.

May 4, 2010