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The horrible, horrible history of Smurfs games

Smurfs%26rsquo; Village | 2010

This harmless looking Capcom game – Wait, seriously? Capcom put this out?! Oh man, I can’t what for Peyo vs Capcom!

Anyhoo, this innocuous game crept into the iPhone App Store designed exclusively to spread its socialist smurfy message of communal living to kids under ten for the low, low price of absolutely free! Unfortunately, it was then discovered that Smurfs’ Village allowed the in-app purchase of Smurfberries, the in-game currency, for real money, and them shits can run you up to $60 a pop!

Above: “Hold still… Hold it… There! App deleted!”

Oh, and by you, I mean your credit card, as your capitalist toddler continues to unknowingly sink into debt on a noble quest to buy Smurfette a hat. Both Smurfs’ Village and Apple came under fire for targeting microtransactions at an audience too young to own, uh, money, and the resulting controversy was reportedly a catalyst for the App Store to reevaluate how long account passwords remain active. You still got it, Smurfs!

The Smurfs Dance Party | 2011

And it’s all culminated into this… sometimes the brightest idea is the sheer lack of one! How else do you explain not only why the hell anybody would want to make/watch a Smurfs movie, but how Hollywood could convince the makers of Assassins Creed and Prince of Persia to cram the Smurfs into a Just Dance rip-off?! Dear God… this is amazing!

Ubisoft somehow forgot to provide most of the gaming press with assets for both Smurfs Dance Party, and whatever the hell the DS version is, but we managed to scare up a copy of what might be the most wonderfully cringe-worthy Wii game of the goddamned year!

Above: The game makes painstaking efforts to relay the events of the film using static shots of movie stills widely available throughout the internet

In fact, the game is already out, yet it appears no one in the universe has bothered to review it other than a few customers on Amazon:

GR’s time to shine! You could easily call the game “terrible” or “shameless” or “apocalyptically stupid” but that’s not the point. Instead of using licensed music in most cases, Smurfs Dance Party opts for Donkey Konga-esque studio musicians parodying chart topping hits in the name of the mighty blue brood! Oh yes, we’re talking jams like “Smurf This Way,” “Mr. Smurftastic,” and the unforgettable “Who Let the Smurfs Out!” You simply haven’t live until you’ve seen a live action actor dance actor dressed as Gargamel sing a full-length pop song about Gargamel.

Luckily, you don’t even have to play the game to experience these priceless gems, since not only does the game operate on a baby-safe no fail policy, we set the Wiimote down and performed several of the moves successfully! Now, it’s probably unfair to score this like a normal game, one created via thought, ingenuity, ambition, and focus testing. So in order to provide the UNIVERSE EXCLUSIVE review of Smurfs Dance Party, we must critique it on an entirely different scale. TADA!

So… it’s not bad enough to be a Baby. Nor is our ironic appreciation worthy of full Papa… that wouldn’t be fair. A Smurfette is probably pushing it. Okay, here goes!

I think that just about does it. We can now resume never mentioning The Smurfs ever again.

Jul 29, 2011