There’s no greater pain than seeing one of your favourite flicks getting the remake treatment .
That grimy edgy horror flick you grew up on suddenly becomes a crop-top biopic starring the actress from that show your girlfriend watches.
So we thought it'd be fun to try and come up with some remakes that'd annoy Hollywood as much as their slick versions of our favourite low-budget classics annoy us. Don't try any of these at home.
We steal two crocodiles from the local zoo and place one in Matthew Broderick’s bed and superglue the other to Roland Emmerich’s back. Film both scenes, and arbitrarily cut between two. Drop in some stock footage of people running away and screaming. Win six Oscars.
Next: The Texas Chain Saw Massacre
The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)
So slick and stylised it feels like it was filmed using a studio executive's balance sheet as a camera filter, the Chain Saw massacre remake is the stupidest gore flick that stars Jessica Biel's rack.
It also features loads of blood, and performances cut from pig's flesh.
The Remake Remake:
We take it back to ’74 and use handheld Super 8 cameras that we buy from a charity shop, a chainsaw we buy from a junk shop and then chase Jessica Biel around LA snuffling and squealing like pigs.
We cut the results with footage of us running around some woods and shouting: "Why?" until our throats go sore.
Next: The Hitcher
The Hitcher (1986)
Hire a car for the afternoon, sellotape a camera to the front bumper, park it outside Sean Bean’s house. Leave the engine running and hit ‘accelerate’ when he steps out of his front door.
Then head for the beach to film some sand being lifted in the air by the wind, and record some sounds of the ocean.
Dip the film reel into a bucket of blue paint, the cut between the footage, using the ocean sounds as a soundtrack to mask Bean’s screams.
Next: The Fog
The Fog (1980)
We toss smoke machines through every open window in Tom Wellings’ house, play Thriller on a boom box as loud as it will go, then film his reaction.
Next: The Wicker Man
The Wicker Man (1973)
We splice footage from the original Pyscho trailer, a 9 minute beast that sees Alfred wandering around the Bates Motel muttering about “terrible things,” with that bit from Good Will Hunting where Robin Williams repeats: “It’s not your fault, it’s not your fault.”
Then we send it to Van Sant.
Next: Star Wars
Star Wars (1977)
Farm boy makes friends with some farm equipment, starts knocking about with a thief and his pet dog, kills his aunt and uncle, romances his sister, all while his dad tries to murder him / get him to join the family business.
Turkish chaps ditch almost every aspect of the original, keeping only the occasional space battle (using pinched footage and one of their mates wearing a bike helmet), replacing lightsabers with actual swords and recasting Darth Vader as a bloke who appears to have designed his own costume.
The Remake Remake:
We wouldn’t actually remake this one, just send the Turkish version to George Lucas as punishment for the Star Wars prequels. In case you’re interested, here it is in full.
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