Women who hate you will fall in love with you eventually...
The Lie: Watch out for women who appear to dislike you intensely…they’ll almost certainly be harbouring a deep-seated longing for your manly ways. In fact, there’s no point wasting your time on someone who actually likes you, as the angry woman you have nothing in common with will provide a better match in the long run.
The Liars: 10 Things I Hate About You, The Proposal, No Reservations
In Real Life: Hating somebody doesn’t usually equate to a long and fulfilling relationship. It equates to marriage! Arf arf arf! We’re here all week….
You can survive a massive fall if theres some water to land in
The Lie: The normal laws of physics do not apply to water, which is to all intents and purposes as soft as a feather bed. Whilst jumping out of a skyscraper onto the pavement will turn you into mush, making that same leap into a swimming pool will leave you needing a change of clothes and nothing more. Not only that, but your gun will still work as well!
The Liars: Bad Boys, Lethal Weapon 2, True Lies, Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid
In Real Life: Water can actually smart quite a bit. Imagine the feeling you get when you belly-flop. Now imagine that same impact, but from a tower block rather than a diving board…
Alcoholism wears off in a crisis...
The Lie: You’re a hopeless alcoholic. You can’t focus, you’ve got no energy…you’re pretty much useless unless you’ve got a drink in your hand. However, if you suddenly find yourself or one of your loved ones in mortal danger, adrenaline takes hold and your weakness is no more. Who needs AA when you can fire a big gun?
The Liars: Independence Day, Man On Fire, The Last Samurai
In Real Life: Alocholics tend not to be big on heroism. It’s difficult to hit a target when your hands are permanently shaking.
Stolen clothes always fit...
The Lie: Stealing an enemy’s clothes is the best way of disguising your identity, as they will always take the same size trousers as you. On an additional note, all villainous types favour childish underwear, usually printed with pictures of clowns or animals.
The Liars: Star Wars, Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade, Sahara, You Only Live Twice
In Real Life: Different sizes of clothes exist. This is why shopping is a pain in the arse.
Labour lasts for a couple of minutes...
The Lie: Forget everything you thought you knew about giving birth, particularly that hogwash about it being a long, painful process. In reality it takes a matter of minutes between the waters breaking and the snippity-snip of the midwife’s scissors. Any women who tell you otherwise are cowards and crybabies.
The Liars: Children Of Men, Juno
In Real Life: We’re told it actually hurts rather a lot, and can last for hours on end. Expressing the received wisdom detailed above would be foolhardy in the extreme…
Helping a woman get with another bloke is the best way into her pants
The Lie: Women love a meddler. When finding yourself attracted to a lady, the best course of action is to try and set her up with somebody else. She’ll soon realise that you know a thing or two about relationships, and will gravitate towards your wisdom and kindness. Job’s a good ‘un.
The Liars: Made Of Honour, The Ugly Truth
In Real Life: Setting your beloved up with someone else usually results in them getting together with someone else. At which point, confessing your real feelings will make you look a bit of a weirdo.
Hangovers wear off in minutes...
The Lie: The movie hangover is a thing of wonder. No matter how wasted the characters got the night before, the after-effects will amount to little more than a bout of “what happened last night” head-scratching. One scene-change later and the whole thing is usually forgotten. Even the chaps in The Hangover manage to get a fair amount done the following day!
The Liars: The Hangover, Knocked Up, American Pie
In Real Life: A night of continuous drinking usually results in a day-long stint of self-loathing, punctuated by occasional visits to the fridge. Any sort of high-spirited “antics” are wholly intolerable for a minimum of 24 hours…
England is a fairytale land of tea and crumpets...
The Lie: England has changed remarkably little since the regency era, and work still grinds to a halt at 3pm every day in order to accommodate a cream tea. London is of course the exception to this rule, with all residents of the capital owning expensively furnished penthouses from which they can watch the sunlight dance merrily off the Thames.
The Liars: The Holiday, 3 Men And A Little Lady, the collected works of Richard Curtis
In Real Life: England is a stony-broke cess pool of knife-wielding hooligans run by a cabal of chinless incompetents. At least that’s what it said in the paper this morning.
Women love spectacularly OTT displays of affection...
The Lie: A sure-fire way of impressing your beloved is by doing something incredibly embarrassing in front of an assembled crowd of her peers. Singing, taking your clothes off, punching yourself in the face... it doesn’t matter what it is, so long as you’re making a spectacle of yourself, and by association, her.
The Liars: 10 Things I Hate About You, Scream 2, Love Actually
In Real Life: At best, she dumps you. At worst, turning up on her doorstep with a collection of grossly inappropriate cue cards lands you with a restraining order.
Men will happily change their entire personalities for the love of a good woman
The Lie: Nobody’s perfect. However, men will happily renounce all of their obnoxious habits if a woman is involved. In fact, a total personality overhaul isn’t out of the question if it means they will gain the approval of that special someone. In short, men are totally malleable, and can be moulded into model boyfriends without too much fuss.
The Liars: As Good As It Gets, Jerry Maguire
In Real Life: A bone-idle slacker might pull his finger out during the first few weeks of marriage, but once the honeymoon’s over he’ll be playing X-box in his pants in no time.