The most superior superior races

Features
By published

Gaming's most supreme master species, stereotyped and rated

Evidence and source material: Wolfenstein 3D, Wolfenstein

Why they’re superior: We can't think of a way we’re comfortable answering this question. Here’s a picture of what Nazis look like in video games vs real ones:


Above: Left = these guys are awesome. Right = actual evil

The downside: They breed undead mutants in Castle Hollehammer to serve in their evil armies, and they have terribly militant hair grooming. Also, lots of genocide and racism.

Will they replace us? Does this look like a threat to you?


Above: The Nazis’ most powerful weapon

Yeah, you don’t want to run into one of these combover commandos walking down a dark alley on floor 6-6. The historical oddity of seeing Nazi Germany’s most infamous leader alive and in a robot suit aside, he’s got four chain guns.

Robot Hitler won’t prevail, despite his abnormal quantity of chain guns, because of all-American hero William “B.J.” Blazkowicz, who has defeated the Nazis singlehandedly in both the “Original Missions” and the subsequent “Nocturnal Missions.” He’s also the hero in the upcoming Wolfenstein game for PS3 and Xbox 360. Though we probably would have been fine without them, B.J.’s attempts to remove the Nazis from political power were bolstered by the Allies’ efforts in World War II, or so we’ve heard.


Above: B.J. defending freedom

Evidence and source material: Gears of War, Gears of War 2

Why they’re superior: Two games into the series and we’re still not sure what the Locusts are doing and how they got inside our planet. Their defining characteristics are being very ugly, being very not tan and being very underground. Not all their characteristics are negative, since any race that can live under the crust of a planet must have at least Eagle Scout-level survival skills and be handy with a shovel.


Above: You’ve never even built one of these above ground

The downside: Like we said, despite two games, we can’t quite nail down why these guys are attacking us or what they’re planning on doing if they win. We know they don’t like us. And we know they’ve been capturing humans and torturing them. But is it just a hobby?

Will they replace us? Since we’re both occupying separate levels of the same planet, and they don’t seem happy living in the basement, somebody’s getting replaced. The Locusts weren’t stopped by the “lightmass” bomb from the first Gears of War, proving that when your entire species is threatened with extinction, it’s probably better if we just use a regular bomb instead of picking the bomb with the most wicked-sounding sci-fi name.


Above: Somehow, they’ve survived the lightmass bomb

Because we deserve it for relying on something that’s more likely to make a Locust think his picture is being taken than exterminate his entire race, the Locusts have started sinking our cities into their underground caverns. Their plan seems much better than ours. This means that, in Gears 2, the humans have to resort to their plan B, which involves grindlifts, another ingenious bit of engineering.

A misnomer, grindlifts actually function more like grind-downers. As in, they do not go up at all. They’re (most likely) expensive contraptions used in to drop single soldiers into the uncharted, unexplored and insanely lethal Locust caverns. Once underground, they’ll presumably team-up in groups of 2-4 and stop the entire Locust army with a plan they’ll be piecing together on the fly.


Above: Delta Squad, all four of ‘em

So, no, Locusts won’t take over. There are no flaws in plan B.

Evidence and source material: Starcraft, Starcraft II

Why they’re superior: Zerg are an alien race that travels the universe looking for species with powerful genetic characteristics they can incorporate into members of their own race to become better at killing. When they can’t find those particular traits, they work on burrowing, flying and reproducing themselves in an assortment of colors.

They’ve even acquired the ability to travel through the deep vacuum of space… naked. Humans look ridiculous naked and have to use something like this for intergalactic travel:

The downside: Zerg thrive and rely on being able to set up bases on living flooring known as Creep. It’s purple-brown and probably gooey. As humans, we prefer the comfort of asphalt and shag carpet.

Will they replace us? Unfortunately, the universe just isn’t big enough for more than one species, so conflict with the Zerg is inevitable. The best way to fight them is to put on a powered combat suit, load-up on more space marine-adrenalin shots than the human body can handle and weld your finger armor to the trigger of your futuristic assault rifle. Odds are, though, you’ll still end up being an embarrassingly easy meal for something called a Zergling - the only “ling” in the universe that can eat your face off.


Above: The only sort of cute version of a Zergling is in World of Warcraft, but even then…