The Reduced SFX Company presents the second series of Merlin in handy bite-sized format
Merlin: Series Two
Overall synopsis of the show
The story of how everything you thought you knew about Arthurian legend is wrong. Because it’s like a legend, right, so anything goes, including mops, potatoes, tomatoes, measuring tapes, sandwiches, hourglasses and coke cans all cropping up long before they should in medieval England. Young Merlin becomes the servant of young Prince Arthur, who’s hot for young serving girl Guinevere, who works for young Morgana, who isn't even younger than Mordred’s mum in this version. He's away with the druids… Meanwhile, Arthur’s dad Uther hates magic and has banned it from his realm, so Merlin’s special secret has to stay in the closet. Quite often Arthur's closet… almost literally.
Merlin enters ARTHUR ’s chambers and discovers wily CONMAN CORNELIUS SIGAN rifling through the prince's stuff.
MERLIN: Oi! What are you doing?
CORNELIUS: I'm looking for a key that unlocks a secret vault under the castle, where a jewel that'll make me very powerful is hidden.
MERLIN: That's not cricket. Not that cricket’s been invented yet. I will stop you with a magic spell.
MERLIN is about to cast a spell when ARTHUR enters.
MERLIN: Oh curses. I cannot reveal my secret.
ARTHUR: Merlin, you young scruff. Where is my armour?
CORNELIUS: He took it to the laundry and it's gone all rusty.
ARTHUR: Merlin, you really are a dolt. You're sacked. I'm hiring this guy instead. He looks like he knows his away round a sock drawer to me.
MERLIN: But… but… but…
MERLIN goes to the Dragon’s cave.
GREAT DRAGON: Oh bloody hell. What do you want? I was in the middle of toasting my chestnuts.
MERLIN: It’s all gone wrong. Arthur has a new best mate to naked wrestle with. How am I supposed to protect him?
GREAT DRAGON: Have you tried using some initiative? You don’t have to bother me every time you cock things up.
MERLIN: Oh, go on. I promise I'll release you one day. And I'll have a word with the FX guys, so you don’t have to fly away in exactly the same piece of stock footage every week.
GREAT DRAGON: Deal. Here's a spell that’ll see off that conman. Now, don’t bother me again unless you’re going to release me. These chains really chafe. Have they invented Savlon yet?
MERLIN: No. I'll bring you some next time.
Cut to STOCK FOOTAGE of GREAT DRAGON flying off.
MERLIN has a showdown with CORNELIUS . In the MAIN COURTYARD . In FULL VIEW . He uses LOTS OF SPELLS . No-one notices. MERLIN defeats CORNELIUS . Enter ARTHUR with his helmet on backwards.
MERLIN: Oh fiddlesticks. You didn’t see me doing magic did you?
ARTHUR [In an echoey voice]: What are you talking about you young idiot? I can’t see a thing. My helmet’s on backwards. That new servant is rubbish. He's sacked. You’re my bestest mate again, Merlin.
MERLIN: Hurrah! Shall we naked wrestle?
The GREAT HALL .
UTHER: It’s cold in here. Throw some witches on the fire.
Enter A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN who’s really A TROLL .
UTHER: You are very beautiful. I will marry you.
MERLIN: Don’t my Lord. She’s a troll.
UTHER: Nonsense. She hasn’t even been on my Facebook page. Has Facebook been invented yet?
MERLIN: This is a disaster!
ARTHUR: Why? Because the king is bewitched?
MERLIN: No! Because a comedy episode should never be made into a two-parter!
MERLIN goes to the Great Dragon.
GREAT DRAGON: Have you come to free me?
GREAT DRAGON: Then piss off.
MERLIN: But the king is bewitched.
GREAT DRAGON: Talk to the hand.
MERLIN reveals the Troll’s true nature to the court and the King is saved from massive embarrassment.
UTHER: Thank you Merlin. But how did you resolve this without… [Uther scowls accusingly] …recourse to magic?
MERLIN: Erm, luck?
UTHER: Shame. I fancied seeing someone well hung today.
ARTHUR: Is that a cue for some naked wrestling? Hurrah!
MORGANA is in her bed in her chambers. She is tossing and turning. She is having NIGHTMARES . Spooky things happen in the chamber. This goes on for about HALF THE SEASON . MORGANA wakes up.
MORGANA: Oh no. I can do magic. Uther will be furious! I must run off and find the druids. Especially Mordred. He felt like a son to me.
MORGANA enlists MERLIN ’s help to find the Druids in the woods.
MORGANA [knocking at a tent door]: Is Mordred here?
DRUID [waving his hand magically]: This is not the Druid you are looking for.
MORGANA: Have Star Wars in-jokes been invented yet?
MORGANA finds the Druids and MORDRED , but Uther has sent his troops to massacre the hippy layabouts. This makes MORGANA very unhappy, but she still returns to the castle to mope for a few more episodes.
ARTHUR and GUINEVERE snog in her humble abode.
ARTHUR: I love you but I can never marry you, because you are a serving girl and you smell of wee. I would be a laughing stock. And Uther would cut me out of my inheritance.
GUINEVERE: And I thought you were a strong, brave man.
ARTHUR: Have you seen me naked wrestling?
GUINEVERE: I meant morally strong. Have some backbone, you big, wet, floppy fringed daddy’s boy.
ARTHUR: Erm, well, look… I really want to be King! Maybe when I’m king I can change the rules. And you //could// have a bath…
GUINEVERE: Oh, grow up.
ARTHUR returns to his chambers.
ARTHUR: Merlin! What are you doing in my bed?
MERLIN: Erm, making it my Lord.
ARTHUR: From the inside?
MERLIN: Er… yes. Er… no. I was actually hiding from that Witchfinder Uther has hired. He's scary.
ARTHUR: But you have no need to be afraid. You're not magic. You might be able to sort out my sock drawer if you were.
ARTHUR opens his sock drawer. It is perfectly ordered.
MERLIN: I had time on my hands.
ARTHUR: And you didn’t just play with your wand?
MERLIN: I don’t have a wand. I’m not magic.
ARTHUR: Oh yeah, that’s Harry Potter. Has Harry Potter been invented yet?
MERLIN: Anyway, I have a girlfriend.
ARTHUR: Oh, really. Where is she?
MERLIN: At the bottom of a lake.
ARTHUR: Are you sure that wasn’t a wet dream?
A witch called MORGAUSE arrives on the scene, humming “We Are Family”.
MORGAUSE: Have Sister Sledge been invented yet?
MORGAUSE has some strange hold over MORGANA . Turns out she is her half sister, and hates UTHER . She also reveals to ARTHUR the secret of his birth – that he was conceived by magic. She is a bit of a STIRRER .
MORGAUSE: Come and join me, Morgana. I will help turn you into an evil witch.
MORGAUSE: But can I callously use you as the carrier of a sleeping spell that'll mean death for everyone in Camelot first?
MORGANA: What else are families for?
Everyone in Camelot, except MERLIN (who just gets a bit dozy), falls asleep and MORGAUSE attacks the castle with her Knights of Medhir. MERLIN visits the Dragon.
MERLIN: Help me!
THE GREAT DRAGON: What’s up this time? Arthur wearing odd socks?
MERLIN: No. Morgause has…
THE GREAT DRAGON: La la la la la la la… not listening.
MERLIN: But it’s the penultimate episode cliffhanger!
THE GREAT DRAGON: La la la l… What? Really!?
MERLIN: Yes. So I’m ready to free you now.
THE GREAT DRAGON: Hurrah. Okay then. Poison Morgana and then blackmail Morgause.
MERLIN: That sounds a little harsh.
THE GREAT DRAGON: Don’t worry. The fans’ll love it. It’s all angsty and "real drama”. Erm, have they invented angst yet?
MERLIN frees THE GREAT DRAGON
FX TEAM: Hurrah! The producers will finally have to pay us to animate some new dragon sequences, boys!
MERLIN poisons MORGANA and blackmails MORGAUSE into a retreat. She takes MORGANA with her.
FANS: Wow, what an audacious piece of storytelling. This show really doesn’t hit the reset button. Wouldn't it be cool if Arthur finally discovers that Merlin’s magic in the season finale?
WRITERS: No way Jose. That would ruin the whole fun of the show.
FANS: But it's just getting silly now.
WRITERS: No it’s not.
ARTHUR: Merlin, how are managing to shoot magical rays out of your fingers?
MERLIN: Erm, I’m not.
ARTHUR: Really. Okay. Must have had something in my eye.
THE GREAT DRAGON is attacking Camelot. MERLIN feels a bit guilty. He goes to the GREAT DRAGON for advice.
MERLIN: Great Drag… oh. Bugger.
Instead, Arthur goes to GAIUS for advice.
GAIUS: Well, as luck would have it your dad, Balinor, is a Dragonlord, and he's still alive.
MERLIN: That's handy. Let’s find him.
MERLIN and ARTHUR find BALINOR in the woods.
BALINOR: I’m not helping Camelot because Uther’s a bastard who was really mean to the Dragonlords.
MERLIN: But Gaius said you'd help.
BALINOR: Oh, okay then. Hang on, I’ve just been killed.
BALINOR: No, that means you’re a Dragonlord now.
MERLIN: Really? Do I get a badge and a newsletter or something?
BALINOR: Have newsletters been invented yet? Never mind. Make me proud.
MERLIN: I will. I will win an Olympic Gold medal for naked wrestling.
BALINOR: No, you idiot. Defeat the dragon.
MERLIN: Oh, right…
BALINOR dies. MERLIN banishes the dragon from CAMELOT .
ARTHUR: Hurrah. You've defeated the Dragon. Not bad. Anyone who didn’t know you better, would swear you must have used magic.
MERLIN winks at the camera.