Roger Corman’s The Man With The X-Ray Eyes has been dusted off by MGM and handed to 28 Weeks Later helmer Juan Carlos Fresnadillo for a run through the remake factory.
Corman has long been a source of remakes, though many of his works have been turned into TV movies, instead of hitting the big screen.
So we figured we’d embrace the idea of retooling Corman’s movies, if only so we could try to steer studios in the right direction and hope for some decent films in the process.
Corman’s take: Charles Bronson stars in the tale of Kelly, a tale which plays fast and loose with the real man’s life.
Why this one? It’s a great, true-life story of a man who turned to crime during the prohibition era and battled the FBI along the way.
His kidnapping of wealthy Oklahoma man Charles F. Urschel made headlines because it was the first and only Federal trial to be filmed in the courtroom. And if Michael Mann’s Public Enemies is a hit, consider this a bandwagon-ready follow-up.
Who should make it: We’d have said Mann, but he’s already ticked this box with Depp as Dillinger. Joe Carnahan would be a great choice[page-break]
Attack Of The Crab Monsters
Corman’s take: Made for about $70,000, this is one of his crazed, super cheap giant monster movies, which sees scientists travel to an island to study the results of nuclear testing. The results – giant crabs, as if you couldn’t guess – make with the attacking.
Why this one? It’s a completely crazy concept that’s just perfect to kick-start a new wave of lunatic B-Movies.
Don’t tell us you wouldn’t want to see ILM’s team tackle massive, intelligent crabs! If nothing else, think of the fun you could have at the cinema. Plus we’d switch the location to Clacton for sheer seaside laugh value.
Who should make it: We’d kill to see Sam Raimi tackle this. His comedy-horror side given full reign and a Spider-Man budget? And GIANT CRABS.
She Gods Of Shark Reef
Corman’s take: “From towering wild adventure to the depths of hellish horror!” Says it all, really. Snack on this: two men escaping police on a boat are blown off course. Washing up on an island populated by beautiful women, they soon discover all is not right – they’re all in a cult that worships the Shark Gods, including plenty of virgin sacrifice.
Why this one? It’d need a 21st century makeover to avoid becoming as bad as the Wicker Man remake. But the concept is certainly a fun one.
It’s not every day you head to the cinema to watch a movie where people are sacrificed to ancient gods.
Who should make it: Neil Marshall could inject a newer, fresher blend of schlocky horror into the concept. And given his penchant for tough women, he could make the cult seem a little more modern.[page-break]
The Last Woman On Earth
Corman’s take: A couple and their a lawyer friend go Scuba diving on holiday. But when they re-surface, everyone else on the nearby island is dead. AND POSSIBLY EVERYONE ON EARTH. The three agree to work together to survive, but natural instincts take over and the men start to fight when the lawyer falls for his friend’s wife…
Why this one: It’s been criminally overlooked in the years since, but it explores an intriguing concept – what if everyone on Earth suddenly died. And you weren’t left alone a la Will Smith in I Am Legend, but had a small group.
The power dynamics alone in that situation are worth exploring if you could get a director to bring the right tone.
Who should make it: Mike Nichols, who brought the battle of the sexes to vivid life in Closer, should get first crack.
Battle Beyond The Stars
Corman’s take: He produced this cheapie sci-fi that riffed on The Seven Samurai back when that idea was slightly newer in cinema. Robert Vaughn and John Saxon are among the futuristic mercenaries hired to protect a farm colony from an invading overlord.
Why this one: Trying to apply Corman’s sense for what could play well, we’ll push for this one if Star Trek proves to be a hit as audiences will be looking for more sci-fi action adventure.
Plus, it’s been at least three days since someone thought of a version of The Seven Samurai, so it’ll have that going for it, we’re sure.
Who should make it: Tony Scott could make it all explode to perfection.[page-break]
Corman’s take: Trawling Greek mythology for a ripping yarn, the producer/director hit upon Atlas – the man who literally carries the weight of the world on his shoulders – and fashioned a tale of a superhero betrayed by an evil king.
Why this one: Forget yer Marvel and yer DC, Greeks are back, baby! Clash Of The Titans is busy being retooled by Incredible Hulk’s Louis Leterrier and people will be ready for more.
Just don’t expect anyone to learn actual mythology from the film. We’re going for action all the way.
Who should make it: Paging Terry Gilliam to the director’s chair. Can you seriously say you don’t want to see TG’s visual style applied to the biggest film he’ll make since Baron Munchausen?
A Bucket Of Blood
Corman’s take: Meet lowly nerd Walter Paisley, who sounds pathetic just given his name. He’s jealous of the talented types who hang out in a Bohemian café. But inspiration strikes when he accidentally kills his landlady’s moggy and covers up the death by literally covering the animal in plaster. His work is acclaimed and people want to see more. So he obliges…
Why this one: It’s pure, high concept horror schlock. And if something as straightforward as Friday The 13th can get remade then so can the tale of a man who murderlises his victims then seals them in statues.
The House Of Wax remake might have hurt its chances, but if you can gather a nubile, disposable cast and ditch the ‘50s references to avoid alienating generation X-Box, you’ve surely got a low-fi horror winner.
Who should make it: Anyone, as long as they have never directed a music video in their lives.
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