Travis Bickle & Mathilda
Why? Well obviously he’d have to wait until she got a little older (it isn’t that sort of feature), but we think they’d be very happy together, blowing away corrupt officials long into their old age.
The Wedding: All is well until Travis suspects the vicar of being bent and headbutts him halfway through.
The Honeymoon: A trip to the local “Jazz cinema”. Travis is a real charmer.
The Divorce: It all goes sour when Mathilda lays down a “me or the Mohawk” ultimatum. Naturally, the Mohawk comes out on top.
Ron Burgundy & Gail Weathers
Why? We think crass, brash newscaster Gail would be the perfect match for crass, brash newscaster Ron. We’d give these two about an hour before they’re doing the no-pants dance.
The Wedding: All goes well apart from an embarrassing set-to between a well-oiled Champ Kind and a knife-wielding nutcase. We’re backing the Champ!
The Honeymoon: The two board a friendly unicorn and make for Pleasure Town.
The Divorce: Ron bravely takes a fatal knife-wound in the guts, but not before bringing down Ghostface with a particularly fiery blast from his jazz flute. Sweet Lincoln’s Mullet!
Donnie Darko & Jane Burnham
Why? That Ricky Fitts is just too damn weird for poor old Jane, not to mention the issues with the in-laws. Donnie is still nice and messed up, without any of the familial baggage…
The Wedding: A mopey emo-fest carried out to the strains of Gary Jules.
The Honeymoon: How’s about a quick jaunt through the space-time continuum? Our Donnie knows how to show a girl a good time.
The Divorce: There’s no room in a marriage for three, especially when the third party is a creepy, skull-faced rabbit. Sorry Donnie.
Jar-Jar Binks & Dory
Why? It would take someone with the patience of a saint to put up with Jar-Jar’s constant babbling, which is why we’ve paired him up with someone with short-term memory loss. Perfect.
The Wedding: The occasion is soured when stupid old Jar-Jar accidentally knocks over Dory’s bowl, sending her skittering across the floor. The oaf.
The Honeymoon: Jar-Jar books a trip to Tatooine before realising the obvious flaw in taking a fish to a desert planet.
The Divorce: The two set up home in the Atlantic, only for Binks to be devoured by a tiger shark. Yaaaay!
Jerry Maguire & Christina Pagniacci
Why? We’d like to see the insufferably smug Maguire brought down a peg or two, and Any Given Sunday ’s queen bitch Christina is just the woman for the job.
The Wedding: The ceremony is held up slightly by both of them jabbering away on their hands-free headsets.
The Honeymoon: A Stateside tour to scout out the up-and-coming cream of the NFL.
The Divorce: Pagniacci throws a shit-fit when Jerry persuades her star quarterback to take a big-money move elsewhere. Agents eh? You can never bloody trust’em.
Daniel Hillard & Mary Poppins
Why? Hillard needs someone to help him clean up his act as a father, so who better than the greatest childminder in movie history?
The Wedding: Hillard turns up in drag, only for Poppins to hastily produce a more appropriate suit from her bag of tricks.
The Honeymoon: Newly transformed into a domestic God, Hillard’s ex-wife grants him access to the kids who accompany the happy couple on a round the world trip.
The Divorce: Poppins despairs when she finds Hillard prancing around the house in full Doubtfire regalia, despite the fact that he won his children back long ago.
Rupert Pupkin & Annie Wilkes
Why? Because obsessive nutcases need to stick together! Anyone can kidnap someone, can anybody do it with such manic cheeriness as these two?
The Wedding: A low-key ceremony conducted in Pupkin’s basement, with a host of cardboard cut-outs as witnesses.
The Honeymoon: A long drive to Wilkes’ mountainside cabin, with James Caan and Jerry Lewis tucked up nice and tight in the boot.
The Divorce: The union comes to a violent end after some unpleasantness with a blowtorch and a sledgehammer. You knew who you were marrying Rupert, that’s all we’ll say…
Coffy & Shaft
Why? Pam Grier’s badass vigilante is the ying to Richard Roundtree’s moustachioed yang. All you suckas betta recognise!
The Wedding: A Las Vegas quickie, knocked-off in double-quick time in order to allow the pair to get back to cleaning the scum off Sin City’s streets.
The Honeymoon: A lovely, romantic trip to Paris. To find a notorious, crack-peddling pimp, naturally.
The Divorce: An argument over who’s the most righteous ends in a furious Coffy shaving off Shaft’s ‘tache while he sleeps. Oh no she didn’t?!
Lisbeth Salander & The Joker
Why? Because they’re two lost souls, looking for direction after enduring a pair of nightmarish childhoods. They’d be good for each other! Probably…
The Wedding: It’s a colourful affair, with all the guests invited to don clown make-up. We say “invited”, although since they’ve all been kidnapped, they don’t have much say in the matter.
The Honeymoon: A jaunt to sunny Gotham, where the Joker serves up a known paedophile for Lisbeth to castrate. You know, as a wedding present.
The Divorce: Hmm, probably quite a messy one. We really wouldn’t get in between these two when they’re arguing...
Miranda Priestly & Gordon Ghekko
Why? Single-minded career bitch meets slippery corporate crook. It’s a match made in heaven.
The Wedding: It’s the New York social event of the year, with the pictures selling to the gossip rags for millions. Red-braces ahoy!
The Honeymoon: Yeah like either of them would ever willingly take a holiday. Money never sleeps, dontcha know?
The Divorce: We’d envisage a fair bit of legal wrangling with this one…there’s surely a template for a “hilarious” screwball comedy here, no?
Clarice Starling & Will Graham
Why? Having both gone toe-to-toe with a certain Chianti-quaffing lunatic, they’d certainly have plenty to talk about.
The Wedding: Lecter is granted a rare day on the outside in order to give Clarice away. He’s an old softy really, isn’t he?
The Honeymoon: Things don’t get that far as Lecter goes predictably berserk at the first sniff of freedom. Needless to say, it all gets a little messy.
The Divorce: Poor old Will is left heartbroken as Lecter bites his bride-to-be’s face off. Hey, at least it’s how she would have wanted to go. Maybe…
Ripley & Han Solo
Why? It’d take a pretty tough customer to keep intergalactic playboy Solo in check, and Ripley’s about as tough (and pretty) as they come.
The Wedding: Yoda is on ministerial duties, mangling the wedding vows with his endearing/irritating (delete as applicable) turn of phrase.
The Honeymoon: Han sweeps Ripley off her feet with a daring recreation of the Kessel Run. Who could resist that, eh?
The Divorce: Ripley is startled by Chewie, confusing him with a malevolent alien, and reducing him to a smouldering hairball with her blaster. Han is not pleased.
Mark Renton & Marion Crane
Why? They’re both a pair of light-fingered so-and-sos, that’s why. You’d be advised not to leave any bags of cash unattended with these two about…
The Wedding: A stunningly lavish affair paid for with their ill-gotten gains is poorly attended on account of their having ripped off all their friends and colleagues.
The Honeymoon: A rural retreat to the remote but charming Bates Motel.
The Divorce: Renton narrowly dodges an untimely bathroom demise by disappearing down the toilet, whilst his bride is hacked to bits in the shower.
Cruella De Vil & Herman Varnick
Why? A mutual understanding of the commercial potential of all things small and fluffy could make for a beautiful relationship.
The Wedding: The rings are brought to the altar by a loveable pooch only for an unseemly squabble to break out between the couple as to whether he should end up as a coat or a medical pincushion…
The Honeymoon: A trip to Battersea Dogs Home would surely go down well with both parties.
The Divorce: Cruella is outraged when Herman starts spraying shampoo in the eyes of a hound she had earmarked for a new snood…
Alice & Ash
Why? Are there two better people at taking down legions of the undead? We think not. They’d have a blast together.
The Wedding: Ash lifts up Alice’s veil to reveal…a gurning deadite! Argh! Thankfully, the real Alice boots open the church doors and levels the demon with her shotgun. Groovy.
The Honeymoon: “Quiet cabin in the woods, dear?” “Sure, why not…?”
The Divorce: Alice is outraged when she catches Ash pinching another woman’s backside. Ash blames his possessed hand, but sadly, she’s having none of it.
Randal Graves & Juno McGuff
Why? This pair of bored, scathing whip-smart slackers would be a perfect match once Juno tires of Paulie Bleeker’s wholesome nerdiness.
The Wedding: The wedding vows are replaced with sneering insults as the pair tear strips off everything from the Church to the congregation.
The Honeymoon: Unwilling to leave New Jersey, Randal convinces Juno that a week of hanging out at the Quick Stop and Mooby Burger is the way to go.
The Divorce: Randal does a runner when Juno, once again, finds herself up the duff. Hmm, time to get Bleeker on the phone again…
The Bride & Marv
Why? Two deeply damaged souls, driven by vengeance but also looking for some solace in a heartbreakingly cruel world. About time they were granted a little happiness, no?
The Wedding: Happily, it’s a more successful set of nuptials for the Bride this time around, largely due to the fact that nobody gets shot.
The Honeymoon: A murderous rampage in which the pair tick off the last few remaining unfortunates to have crossed their paths.
The Divorce: Marv just can’t help himself as he goes back to his old whoring ways, eventually feeling the sharp end of his wife’s samurai sword when she finds out.
R.P. McMurphy & Lisa Rowe
Why? Kindred spirits on account of their shared love of mischief-making and sticking it to the man. Oh, and the fact that they’re both a bit barmy.
The Wedding: We can only imagine them meeting as co-inmates, so it’d probably be a fairly buttoned-down affair? Geddit? Because of the straightjackets…oh never mind.
The Honeymoon: A quick run around the grounds is probably as far as they’d be allowed to go.
The Divorce: A tragic end in which an excess of electro-shock treatment leaves them unable to recognise each other any more. We’re welling up just typing it…
Tony Stark & Selina Kyle
Why? As a billionaire, superhero and general Flash Harry, Stark needs a love interest who can give as good as she gets. A latex-clad looney-tune who could comfortably kick his arse might well be the order of the day.
The Wedding: A predictably opulent affair with only a few eyebrows raised at Selina’s decision to spurn the Dom Perignon in favour of a nice saucer of milk.
The Honeymoon: A trip to Gotham where Tony gets embroiled in a spot of one-upmanship with another billionaire from Selina’s past.
The Divorce: Sadly, a union between hero and villain can only last so long, and it isn’t long before Selina’s wild side gives Stark no option but to bring her to justice. Pity.
Amelie Poulain & Tim Thomas
Why? So they can spend their days doing good turns to their hearts’ content. A cuddlier pair of good eggs you’re unlikely to find.
The Wedding: In a bizarre reversal of custom, Amelie and Tim dole out wedding presents to all their guests. “The best present we could get is your happiness,” they gush, as the congregation tries not to vomit.
The Honeymoon: A trip to poverty-struck Sierra Leone, where the pair knock up an orphanage or two before helping a blind man to see and a lame man cast away his stick.
The Divorce: The two fall out over who gets to help an old dear across the street, throwing their marriage into turmoil.
Edward Scissorhands & Ari
Why? Because he’s an outsider who needs looking after, and Helena Bonham Carter’s kind-hearted chimp is just the “woman” to do it. She’s got an eye for the less hirsute gentleman after all.
The Wedding: Hmm, they’d have to have it on Earth…which is of course the Planet of the Apes…in the future? Hmm, this is a logistical nightmare.
The Honeymoon: We suppose a trip to the local zoo would probably be in bad taste?
The Divorce: When the great ape revolution comes, Ari is forced to choose between her man and her species. Heart-rending stuff.
Indiana Jones & Lara Croft
Why? Because they share an interest, nay passion, for recovering dusty old tat from the ends of the earth.
The Wedding: We’d imagine it being held in some sort of remote Mayan temple, preferably without any aliens on the guestlist.
The Honeymoon: We don’t mind where they end up, so long as the route is neatly charted against a massive old-school map.
The Divorce: There would inevitably be some sort of double-crossing chicanery afoot after co-discovering a particularly valuable artefact.
Blade & Selene
Why? Because it’s about time Blade did his species a favour for a change, instead of continually stitching them up for the benefit of mankind. Joining Selene in putting the boot into some werewolves would be a good place to start.
The Wedding: Indoors somewhere, after dark. Dress Code: Black.
The Honeymoon: The pair could head off to Transylvania, to get back to grips with the motherland.
The Divorce: At the end of the day, Blade can’t help but wind up his toothy brethren and scuffle with the in-laws at a family gathering finally spells curtains for him and Selene.
Sarah Connor & Sam Witwicky
Why? They’ve both endured a fair amount of robot-based strife, so would have plenty in common, despite the age gap. And we’re sure she could use some sort of time-travelling jiggery-pokery to get around that.
The Wedding: All is going well until proceedings are rudely interrupted by the sudden appearance of a nude Austrian gentleman.
The Honeymoon: The pair step out of the airport excited for their trip, only for their hire-car to sprout legs and high-tail it into the distance. Bloody Decepticons… always spoiling the party!
The Divorce: Tired of his unrelenting cowardice, Sarah kicks Sam to the curb after one girly scream too many.
Sebastian Valmont & Summer Finn
Why? Because they’ve mucked so many hapless beaus around between them, it’d be better for all of us if they got together and gave it a rest. And for the record, whilst Valmont is a professional cad, Summer is far, far more heartless.
The Wedding: A colossal outpouring of narcissistic self-regard, as the two monstrous egos jostle for position at the altar.
The Honeymoon: A taste of things to come as Summer whines about whether she’s really ready to be tied down, whilst Valmont immediately begins playing away with the hotel maid.
The Divorce: Is on the cards within a matter of months…these two vacuous timewasters are not cut out for monogamy.
Dorothy Gale & Frodo Baggins
Why? They’d carve out a very happy little life together, primarily based around interminable stretches of walking, enlivened by a cast of fantastical grotesques.
The Wedding: There’s an awkward moment as the vicar is distracted by the sea of pointy-eared blokes, talking scarecrows, mop-topped midgets and green-skinned miscreants in the congregation.
The Honeymoon: An abortive holiday to Oz, called off early when Frodo admits the place is too weird, even by his standards.
The Divorce: The pair becomes distant thanks to the inordinate amount of time Frodo chooses to spend with his portly gardener.
Edward Cullen & Carrie White
Why? Perma-glum Edward gets off on teenage angst, and there’s noone quite as angst-fuelled as the walking mood-swing that is Carrie!
The Wedding: Everyone is on their best behaviour as they realise it’s that time of the month for poor Carrie…
The Honeymoon: The pair head off to Northern England, where Edward has heard the slate-grey skies and relentless drizzle are second to none.
The Divorce: Carrie catches Ed casting a sulky glance at a girl in a My Chemical Romance t-shirt, before firing some telekinetically-powered vengeance his way.
Maria Von Trapp & Aldo Raine
Why? Because through their respective mediums of chirpy song and brutal violence, they’re the ultimate Nazi-bashing double-act.
The Wedding: Maria warbles her way up the aisle whilst Aldo wonders when the sacrificial Nazi will be wheeled out.
The Honeymoon: A trip through the rolling hills of Nazi Germany, where Maria can belt out ear-splitting ditties at the top of her voice, whilst Aldo goes a-scalping!
The Divorce: Maria sings one song too many to her increasingly strained husband, who scalps himself out of sheer frustration.
Captain Jack Sparrow & Bellatrix Lestrange
Why? Because they’re the light and dark side of the same ramshackle, Victorian urchin-slang-speaking coin. Two peas in a pod.
The Wedding: An irritatingly rakish affair, with the “dearly beloved” replaced with a host of “me dearies” and “me hearties”.
The Honeymoon: The pair head to “Ye Olde England” to open a shoe-shining business with Russell Brand.
The Divorce: Voldemort casts a swift spell that strikes the duo dumb. Unable to bond over saucy witticisms, the pair inevitably drift apart.
Cher Horowitz & Derek Zoolander
Why? They’re a pair of vacuous, fashion-obsessed airheads with minimal awareness of anything going on around them, and therefore made for each other.
The Wedding: An achingly chic style blowout, only let down by the pair’s childishly stupid self-penned vows.
The Honeymoon: Paris? Milan? London? Take your pick. Although it’s debatable whether Cher would have ever bothered to get a passport, so probably New York.
The Divorce: The relationship goes into meltdown when Derek pinches some of Cher’s designs and passes them off as his own. OMG, that is like, so not cool.