Merlin The Sword in the Stone (1963)
Strokability: We imagine it'd be like big pillowy clouds of hairy loveliness. That got weird quickly didn't it?
Mugatu Zoolander (2001)
The Character: A fashion mogul on a mission to brainwash a model into assassinating Prime Minster of Malaysia. Haute couture just got homicidal.
The Beard: Hipster fashion facial fuzz at its douchiest.
Strokability : Not likely - he'd probably freak out that you're meddling with his hair manicure.
MacReady The Thing (1982)
The Character: Hard-ass helicopter pilot who’s brought in to help investigate when a Norwegian camp is destroyed by a thermite charge.
The Beard: Perfectly-cultivated to provide both Arctic-proof warmth and aesthetic perfection.
Strokability: As his name hints, this one’s definitely StrokeReady.
Pai Mei Kill Bill Vol 2 (2004)
The Character: A strictly no-nonsense martial arts master who’s responsible for training/maiming both The Bride and Elle Driver.
The Beard: A silky, snow-white chin-crawler that’s all kinds of ghostly.
Strokability: This beard definitely gets its fair share of stroking – Pai Mei likes nothing better than whipping his beard about angrily/importantly.
Alan Parrish Jumanji (1995)
The Character: Alan (Robin Williams) was sucked into a dangerous board game in 1969 – when he finally emerges back into the real world 26 years later, he’s turned into a wily jungle cat. (Not literally.)
The Beard: Typical ‘crazy man’ beard. Alan’s not had a mirror for years, so he has no idea that he’s the owner of one of the most impressively untamed beards we’ve ever seen.
Strokability: We’d be worried about finding a rattle snake in there…
Gary Team America: World Police (2004)
The Character: Broadway star Gary Johnston, who’s recruited by Team America to help them infiltrate a terrorist organisation.
The Beard: Patchy at best – this is meant to be Gary undercover in Egypt, except they went slightly overboard with the sticky black fuzz.
Strokability: Zero. We want to be as far away from this as possible.
Gandalf The Lord Of The Rings (2001-2003)
The Character: Wise old wizard who has a habit of going on wild adventures. And being a diva when he doesn’t get what he wants.
The Beard: Goes from scratchy grey carpet to majestic white cloud in the blink of an eye. So blinding it terrified even Saruman.
Strokability: High. That thing looks soft as puppy dog tails.
Forrest Gump Forrest Gump (1994)
The Character: An Alabama native who goes from small-town lump to national sensation thanks to ping-pong and a love of long-distance running.
The Beard: A shaggy protuberance that Forrest only cultivates because he can’t stop running. Shaving just takes soooo long...
Strokability: Very low – just think how full of sweat, errant flies and car fumes that thing is.
The Hermit - Monty Python's Life of Brian (1979)
The Character: A recluse who's taken on a vow of silence, moved to the desert, and let his beard hair grow spectacularly long.
The Beard: Nude but for the beard he's taken 18 years to grow. It's quite a sight.
Strokability: We would't get too close, for fear of brushing up against something a little more naked.
