King Triton The Little Mermaid (1989)
Strokability: Look at that thing - you could use it as a pillow.
Gimli The Lord Of The Rings (2001-2003)
The Character: A grumpy dwarf warrior who’s also, somewhat grandiosely, known as the Lord of the Glittering Caves. Bling!
The Beard: A thick thatch of red that looks like it could blot out the sun.
Strokability: We can’t imagine dwarfs bath that often, so we’ll steer clear of this one.
Dumbledore Harry Potter (2001-2011)
The Character: Headmaster of Hogwarts and general wise old bloke. Often integral to Harry saving the day.
The Beard: Hippy beard! A fulsome grey/white cultivation fashioned into a sort of front ponytail.
Strokability: As strokable as a granddad beard can be. Plus, stroking it will probably give you magical powers.
Dr. Teeth - The Muppets Movie (1979)
The Character: The leader of the Electric Mayhem - the Muppets' grooviest of house bands.
The Beard: As orange as his nose and fluffy to the max.
Strokability: No more strokable than the rest of him - feltgasm.
Hagrid Harry Potter (2001-2011)
The Character: Kind-hearted half giant and friend/ally to Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley.
The Beard: Frankly, MASSIVE. You could use that thing as a pillow during the long winter nights.
Strokability: Hagrid’s more interested in fantastical creatures than the upkeep of his facial hair, so we dread to think what we’d find in there.
Seneca The Hunger Games (2011)
The Character: The Head Gamemaker in the 74th Hunger Games, he’s (SPOILER ALERT) killed by President Snow when he fails to beat Katniss and Peeta at the games.
The Beard: A devilish ‘future beard’ that looks like it was shaved by harpies.
Strokability: Stroke this beard and pull back a bloody stump – it looks about as soft as a cheese grater.
Terl - Battlefield Earth (2000)
The Character: This Scientology-does-sci-fi movie travesty stars John Travolta in the leading role as Terl, the Psychlo security chief of Earth. A race so advanced they've perfected intergalactic travel, but not - apparently - facial grooming.
The Beard: Dreadlocks. ON HIS CHIN!
Strokability: You'd catch something. You'd definitely, definitely catch something.
Ming Flash Gordon (1980)
The Character: Best-known to his disciples as the fearsome Emperor Ming The Merciless (Max Von Sydow), which pretty much sums his up perfectly.
The Beard: A pointy thing that looks like it was pinched from a Chinese dragon – or the Devil himself.
Strokability: Ming likes to concoct a scheme or two and we’re sure the odd beard-stroke has been responsible for helping him concoct those schemes.
Madame Truska Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant (2009)
The Character: A member of the Cirque du Freak, a travelling freak show.
The Beard: Truska has the ability to create an indestructible beard at will – and then withdraw it without even having to use a razor and foam. We'll admit it, we're jealous.
Strokability: It’s a magical beard, so we’re likely to give this one a miss.
The Dude The Big Lebowski (1998)
The Character: A lazy bowler who’s never without a drink and a cardigan. Has awesome bowling dreams that involve Julianne Moore wearing a Viking costume.
The Beard: So well-kept that we’d happily raise a White Russian in its honour.
Strokability: Fairly high, though it depends on if a) The Dude’s washed lately, and b) there are drink dregs matted in there.
