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5 simple steps to being an angry gamer

Of course we understand that investing years into anything is a big commitment, so we've come up with an easy alternative. Follow our 5 simple steps plan and we guarantee you'll be an offensive, serial game-rager in no time at all.

Step 1: Get yourself a superiority complex

If you're genuinely serious about being an angry gamer, it's crucial that you believe you are better than other gamers. You know more about games. Your opinion about games is the only one that matters because it's the only one that's correct.

It's what psychologists call 'a superiority complex'. In simpler terms, it's thinking of oneself as being 'hot shit' while everyone else is 'dog shit'. Put them together and you've got 'hot dog shit'. We don't know what that means. But we're not psychologists.

Step 2: Eat the right foods

A poorly-balanced diet is essential. Food is fuel for the body and brain, so it's important that you pump it full of crap. Logic dictates that you get out what you put in. If you want to be a passive lefty gamer that enjoys cuddles and rounds of Wii Sports Resort with your mummy and daddy, eat salads and drink herbal tea.

Angry gamers, on the other hand, should concentrate on the following food groups for optimum stress levels: caffeine, sugar, caffeinated sugar, caffeinated meat, alcohol, cigarettes.

Step 3: Replace sleeping with playing more games

Sleep deprivation is a fantastic way of feeling tired and irritable. Combined with a poorly-balanced diet (as discussed in Step 2), prolonged nocturnal gaming sessions have been scientifically proven to turn even the most affable gamers into a premenstrual bear suffering with the metaphorical head of soreness.

The average person requires between 6-8 hours sleep per night-time cycle. In angry gamer terms, that should translate to about 3 hours tops.

Step 4: Always choose the hardest difficulty setting

Forget about playing games for enjoyment. That's pussy talk. Purge those idealistic thoughts from your head. If you're playing a game but are not screaming at the screen and on the verge of a rage-induced aneurysm, then you're doing it wrong.

The best way to burst a vessel while engaging in electronic entertainment is to make the challenge as controller-crushingly impossible as possible. Ideally you're looking for difficulty settings that are several shades beyond hard. If a mode is described as 'Legendary', 'Insane', 'Apocalyptic', 'Masochistic' or 'Proper Hard Bastard' then that is what you should select.

Step 5: Become a regular patron of online shooters

There is no place more festering with rancid pustules of anger, hate and extreme vexation than the ignoble arena of online shooters. They make Mos Eisley look like the My Little Pony Unicorn Ranch. Regular visitation to these virtual establishments can turn monks into muthaf*ckers.

We once saw a bishop of the holy cloth develop a liking for Counter-Strike. Two weeks later he was down at the exorcism clinic having his spirit cleansed of swear demons. In short, angry gamers worship at the temple of the online shooter.

And that's all there is to it!

Once you've followedthese simple steps we guarantee you'll be madder than a rabid dog in a squeaky toy factory. Now go get vexed and piss off some people. You've earned it!

26 March, 2010

I don't have the energy to really hate anything properly. Most things I think are OK or inoffensively average. I do love quite a lot of stuff as well, though.