Why Japanese RPGs Suck

11 problems and smartass advice on how to fix them

Words: on March 25, 2008

Spending a childhood playing JRPGs has given me a great respect for them, but I'm not a child anymore and the games haven't grown up with me. I can't help but feel let down by almost every new game that fails to evolve and consider something new - say, having a hero who doesn't use a sword (gunblades count as swords).

Through the years, I've become mature, wiser and incredibly good looking, while JRPGs still have the same happy-go-lucky idiots running headlong into the same obvious fortresses of evil. Before you start moaning about how a great formula is great because it can endure the test of time, read my reasons that JRPGs suck. After that, go ahead and gripe if you think fixing these concerns wouldn’t make JRPGs even better (babies).

The only time it's appropriate to find 12 gold coins and a potion after a battle is when you’ve just defeated a group of potion-sellers. But does that ever happen? No, but take down a pack of wolves or an alligator and you're bound to find leather armor, a gem of fire magic and enough gold to start a college savings fund for the little alligator orphans you've just created. The obvious question is: what were the animals going to spend that money on? When you figure that out, ask yourself: where were they hiding those 12 gold coins?

Quick fix: This one's not very hard to figure out. If you're fighting a guy who fights by throwing fish at you, he should drop some fish. If you fight a fish, it should drop nothing but scales and fish meat. Fish don't carry manufactured goods.

In a perfect world: Instead of collecting gold from enemies, I'd like to be able to saw off the heads of everything I kill, tie them all together in a long chain and drag it around to freak people out. This is better than collecting gold from dead animals, because it at least makes sense in that everything I fight has a head. Well, except the things that don't.

Worst offenders: Outside of an MMO or two, if you can get loot from fighting, the game does this. Go ahead, think about it for awhile and see if you can find more than one exception.

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8 Comments
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  • jimjoe

    jimjoe  - 11 months, 2 weeks ago  - Report

    @alexloranger

    Let's see if I can follow your logic here: I can't judge Japanese RPGs unless I play them in their original language? Is that it? Let's accept that as fact, I'll go back to how insane that is in a bit, and move on. What you're saying is that if I don't speak Japanese I am incapable of judging the gameplay, or the art of the game. In essence what you're saying is that what makes these games amazing is that they are written in Japanese, not that they are games (since I don't need to know any Japanese to judge these games on their game aspects). That's amazing!

    Now lets go back to your "don't judge if you don't speak the language" trope. If that is true, if these games are so amazingly different if played in the original Japanese then why the hell are they even translated? If all I'm getting is a bastardized product that doesn't qualify me to have an opinion on anything, then why is the game manufacturer putting this product out? At best they are incredibly greedy, at worst they simply don't give a crap about the people buying their product. Which one do you like?
  • alexloranger

    alexloranger  - 11 months, 3 weeks ago  - Report

    Your entire argument is flawed. You are accusing Japanese RPGs of being bad, yet you are referring only to the version you have played, which are the English translations.


    The entire point of the Japanese RPG is to immerse you into the world, and the entire point of Japanese language is to immerse yourself into your own soul.

    The entire point of an English translation is to make one, insignificant part of the Japanese language understandable to English audiences, which is the storyline.

    The soul searching can happen, but since English is not Japanese, and while the translations can happen to be well written English, you are missing the entire point of the Japanese text.

    So your argument is flawed, come back when you have "played" the Japanese versions with an actual Japanese comprehension level above .01%
  • newvegasfan

    newvegasfan  - 1 year, 1 month ago  - Report

    I tried to play a final fatasy game... lets just say NEVER AGAIN! TO CONFUSING! my friends have tried time and time again but I just don't get the game... still hard to figure out the bird thing... the chocobo, or was that a different game they tried to throw me into? my friends don't know my gaming style 8(
  • thochaos

    thochaos  - 3 years, 3 months ago  - Report

    I agree with the random encounter thing. I also hate the emo characters Square likes to have in their games. But the worst one for me is the party limit for the exact reasons pointed out. Imagine the damage you could do in a game like Shining Force if all of your crew could help out in battle? That would be so much better.
  • Telekinesis

    Telekinesis  - 3 years, 5 months ago  - Report

    I think the worst offender is Kingdom Hearts 2 for the most gratuitous use of cutscenes, I actually stopped playingg the game all together because they broke up the action so badly and made the game incredibly boring...kill 3 guys, cutscene, every door, cutscene, every screen change, cutscene.
  • cultofbananas

    cultofbananas  - 3 years, 3 months ago  - Report

    So the random encounter haven't been tweaked or molded at all, yet you admit that Final Fantasy 11 and 12 don't HAVE random encounters. k.
  • Vader999

    Vader999  - 2 years, 5 months ago  - Report

    Well there is one RPG/action game where the bad guy wins. The Dark side ending of Force Unleashed has you, the guy who single handedly defeated three powerful Jedi masters and their armies, blew up an imperial warship, fought through four heavily armed Imperial Bases, and defeated the Chosen one of the Force Darth Vader himself, ending up being tossed aside by the Emperor's Uber-Force lightning and having your girlfriend's ship being slammed in your face by the same megalomaniac, and afterwards he turns you into another Darth Vader and for the Emperor, life goes on without a hitch........
  • Hakusato

    Hakusato  - 2 years, 8 months ago  - Report

    The random encounters.

    OH GOD THE RANDOM ENCOUNTERS I HATE YOU SQUARE -foam-

    This is actually why I LIKE Xenosaga and Chrono Trigger. You can see the monsters coming and actually AVOID them.
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