Total Film At Cannes 2009

 

Saturday 23 May - Day Eleven

Films seen: None. Frankly, we had to clean the flat.

Films reviewed: See above. Oh no, hang on… We did words review of Enter The Void and Map Of The Sounds Of Tokyo and Adrift .

Number of times Jonathan has talked about Enter The Void today while staring wide-eyed into the middle distance, somewhere: 41. He thinks there is no point in seeing any films again. Until at least Tuesday.

Number of giant penises we’ve seen inside vaginas on the big screen today, throbbing towards us and then ejaculating: One. Still in the mind, Gaspar.

Videos of blokes who made films for £45: One. He’s Marc Price. With a c. Here he is, chatting with Matt Leyland:



Videos of us having a walk around Cannes: One. Here. Deal with it. Book a holiday. It’s empty:



Number of hours left until Blighty: 17.

Number of hours until a decent cup of tea: 17 and five minutes.

Films on the schedule for today, Sunday 23 May: Er. Depends what’s on Film Four. Looks like Cocktail and Under Siege. Get in. Screw you films about abortion, mutilation, death, reacharounds, giant cocks, bullets in the bollocks and castration. We’re going to watch Tom Cruise as a bartender followed by Erika Eleniak coming out of a big cake.

Number of slightly teary farewell videos: One

Earlier: Day Ten [page-break]

Friday 22 May - Day Ten

Films seen: The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus and Enter The Void and Map Of The Sounds Of Tokyo. One of these films has deeply affected us and frazzled our brains and left us feeling like we just necked every narcotic under the sun and then spent four days lying out in the sun while being told we have a long lost son somewhere like Sunderland. Crumbs.

Films reviewed: We did a words review of The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus and a video review of Enter The Void that is a part of our video round-up and was recorded just minutes after the curtain went up and everyone stumbled out into the light.

Films we haven’t quite got round to reviewing yet: Map Of The Sounds Of Tokyo. This is a Matt Leyland-solo job and frankly, if it’s at all weird he’s going to implode, what with having just seen Enter The Void.

Number of giant penises we’ve seen inside vaginas on the big screen today, throbbing towards us and then ejaculating: One. Thanks Gaspar Noe.

Number of people we’ve seen having sex on the big screen today with strange translucent light coming out of their genitalia: Hundreds. Thanks Gaspar Noe.

Number of minutes we feared for epileptics as the screen pulsed with light and colour and flashes: About 40. Thanks Gaspar Noe.

Interviews arranged for Friday that we were actually a little scared of doing that were then cancelled: One. Whatever, Vincent Cassel. Whatever.

Number of videos we have of Danny Glover on the website: One more.

Number of big interviews done today that we’re not allowed to talk about until a later date: Nine.

Croque Monsiuers eaten: None. One seems to have been enough.

Films on the schedule for today, Saturday 23 May: Can’t read screening guide. Have giant pulsing penis in head.

Earlier: Day Nine [page-break]

Thursday 21 May - Day Nine

Films seen: Adrift (A Deriva). You’re not allowed to leave a film festival without watching at least one tale of sexual awakening, and this is the one we went for.

Films reviewed with words: We reviewed Michael Haneke’s ace Palme d’Or contender White Ribbon , plus some films you don’t really need to worry about .

Video interviews posted on the site: Our beachside chat with the Phillip Morris fellas, including some bonus cutaways to Jim Carrey being funny on a stage.


Films we haven’t quite got round to reviewing yet: That Adrift thing. We’re too busy having our own sexual awakenings. Cannes changes a man.

Number of times we’ve mentioned Good Will Hunting: None. Again. Call us fickle.

Number of stars Good Will Hunting deserves: Five.

Number of seconds Danny Glover pondered a role in the Predator reboot when we put it to him: None.


Number of seconds he talked when we pushed him on it: 77.



Number of kebabs with ‘frites’ eaten: Two. Jon needs to get in on the action here.

Number of pairs of pants bought: Two. We ran out and can’t get the washing machine started.

Films on the schedule for today, Friday 22nd May: The two final biggies: Terry Gilliam’s The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus and Gasper Noe’s Enter The Void. Excited about the first, foaming like mad dogs over the second.

Earlier: Day Eight [page-break]

Wednesday 20 May - Day Eight

Films seen: Inglourious Basterds. We saw Inglourious Basterds. What did we see? We saw Inglourious Basterds, And we saw Michael Haneke’s White Ribbon. What a fricking day.

Films reviewed with words: We reviewed Inglourious Basterds. We reviewed Inglourious Basterds. We reviewed Inglourious Basterds. With words here that are very positive (Sam) and words here that aren’t so positive, but are hardly damning (JD's) .

Films reviewed on video: We reviewed Inglourious Basterds on video too because, well, it’s by far the biggest film of the festival and Sam and Jonathan felt the need to go all discussiony on its arse.

Films we haven’t quite got round to reviewing yet: Michael Haneke’s White Ribbon. That’s going to be up today though and is everyone’s pick for glory. Everyone’s. Probably even the other contestants for the Palme d’Or.

Number of times we’ve mentioned Good Will Hunting: None. It’s about about Inglourious Basterds.

Number of stars Good Will Hunting deserves: Five.

Interviews arranged for Wednesday 6pm that we are told have been put back an hour, thus clashing with other important festival stuff: One. Can we still do it? Find out tomorrow!!!!

Interviews arranged for Thursday that we’re actually a little scared of doing: One. Still scared. Very much confirmed…

Number of films talked about today apart from Inglourious Basterds: None.

Croque Monsiuers eaten: OH YES! WE HAVE EATEN A CROQUE MONSIEUR. It was a post-Inglourious Basterds treat.

Films on the schedule for today, Thursday 20 May: No idea. Because the interview’s been put back, this is being written from a press room, the screening schedule’s at home, our memory capacity has been diminished. There’s nothing big though. We’d know about it if there was.

Number of times Inglourious Basterds has been mentioned in this article: 11.

Earlier: Day Seven [page-break]

Tuesday 19 May - Day Seven

Films seen: Broken Embraces, I Love You Phillip Morris and Matt Leyland has just popped off to see Les Herbes Folles by Alain Resnais. We’ll review that at the same time as Inglourious Basterds tomorrow and see which one you read.

Films reviewed with words: Broken Embraces

Films reviewed on video:

Films we haven’t quite got round to reviewing yet: Les Herbes Folles. OK, how about this. If you want a review of this, post below or tell us so on Twitter. If we get three requests, we’ll bung one up.

Number of times we’ve listened to ‘Miss Misery’ by Elliott Smith, the song off Good Will Hunting: Around 15 in three days.

Number of stars Good Will Hunting deserves: Five

Number of ex-Manchester United players spotted at parties in their honour: One. Eric Cantona. At the Looking For Eric bash. Check him out right here on our daily diary round-up.

Interviews arranged for Thursday that we’re actually a little scared of doing: One. Wait and see…

Hours to go until Inglourious Basterds at the time of writing: 11 hours and 54 minutes. Expect some particularly spectacular review up online at an hour convenient to both us and you mob.

Croque Monsiuers eaten: None. But we did snack on some cracking chorizo.

Films on the schedule for today, Wednesday 19 May: It’s The White Ribbon by Michael Haneke day. It is everyone’s big tip for the Palme d’Or so expectations are ridiculously high. Haneke’s last film was the Funny Games remake, which was a bit pointless. But before that it was Hidden, so law of other films and all that… Oh and there’s Drag Me To Hell, by Sam Raimi. But we’ve already reviewed that. Oh and there’s also some film by some bloke who can’t spell bastards.

Earlier: Day Six [page-break]

Monday 18 May - Day Six

Films seen: Looking For Eric and Irène and maybe Vincere , depending on how well some BBC films drinks go that we’re off to in a minute.

Films reviewed: We did a words review of Looking For Eric which is about football, in a film. Perfect mix really.

Films we haven’t quite got round to reviewing yet: Irène and maybe Vincere , if we saw it.

Producers of big Disney films we interviewed who went flipping nutso for that 3D issue of ours: Two. Here:

Number of words spoken to us by Jean-Claude Van Damme: Three. See them here:

Time spent queuing: Whatever.

Number of people in a Palme d’Or competition film who’ve been round our flat today: One. Gerard Kearns, off Looking For Eric . See him here taking part in the inaugural episode of 'Cannes Dine With Me':

Number of times people looked at us funny because we started talking about Good Will Hunting . Again: Lost count. Look, Good Will Hunting is amazing. Deal with it.

Croque Monsieurs eaten: Guess what? None.

Films on the schedule for today, Monday 18 May: Broken Embraces by Pedro Almodavar and I Love You Phillip Morris . Expect lovely reviews of both.

Days to wait until Inglourious Basterds : One.

Earlier: Days Five - One