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The Top 7... Power-ups you DON'T want to collect

Perhaps not everyone got the memo. See, power-ups are meant to be a good thing. They are, by definition, supposed to power you up. As in 'not power you down'. So why be so cruel as to program things into your game that can be collected by the player that don't offer a few brief moments of awesome? Why would you do that? That's like selling sweets that are actually poos. And that's just mean. So why these 7 'power ups' exist is anyone's guess…

 

7) Skulls - Bomberman

There are only two good things about being ill. The first, and by far the most benevolent to partake in, is the simple enjoyment of having a perfectly legitimate excuse to sit on your arse and do categorically bugger all for a few days. It’s as therapeutic for the soul as it is healing of the body. We all need a little down-time from time to time, and sometimes the regular procession of weekends just isn’t enough. A little bonus weekend set within the middle of a normal week only ever does you good, even if you are leaking mucus from your face throughout.


Above: "Can't you see what's happening here? This Bomberman is dying!"

The other good thing, which comes from a far less emotionally healthy but no less satisfying place, is giving your illness to people you don’t like. Obviously doing this deliberately, or with anything life threatening, elevates you immediately to the level of psychopath. But realising that a total dick in your office now has the same vaguely unpleasant cold as you? Gold. “BAM! Take that, Tim in Accounts. Face-mucus for you, you vapid, self-important, vaguely misogynistic prick! And all your ties are shit”. And if you can make the timing of your visible symptoms work out right, he’ll never even know where his snuffly goop infection came from. A perfect crime.


Above: Come on, it doesn't even look like it's going to do you any good. Stay away!

That’s basically how Bomberman’s Virus pick-up works. Except the act of passing it on is, unfortunately, just a small, nay minuscule, silver lining. Because rather than infecting you with a cold, it drops one of myriad apocalyptically debilitating status effects on you. You’ll slow to a crawl. You’ll turn invisible. You’ll speed up to uncontrollable levels. You’ll start dropping bombs willy-nilly like some kind of high-fibre B52. Basically, when you get one of Bomberman’s viruses, you are going to die very quickly in one of many utterly humiliating ways. Your only hope is that you can take some poor sap down with you before you do. Better pray it’s not the slow-down virus then. If it’s that one, you’re f*cked.

 

6) The Care Package: Modern Warfare 2

Care packages? SRSLY!?! Yes. We're not joking. Screw the care package. All they bring is disappointment. If you're not very good at the game (like, say, Cundy, for example) and killing four enemies in a row is a minor miracle, then the care package is as glamorous as it gets. Want to be like the big boys in a helicopter overhead? Shooting and laughing and killing and being annoying? Well... TOUGH SHIT! YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH! Have a care package and STFU you stupid BABY!!!


Above: Army care packages are great, right? Well, yes, but not if they're in a game called Modern Warfare 2

Nobody *wants* the care package. Players want the tactical nuke. Or the stealth bomber. Even the bloody Predator missile would be an achievement. But the care package? Screw the care package. It's for losers. And for those losers it represents hope - an entirely misplaced hope that something genuinely good will be contained within its rectangular confines. But that never happens. Have you even seen the percentages? The chances of getting the AC-130 are 2.61%. TWO POINT SIX ONE PERCENT! That's equal to NO BLOODY CHANCE.


Above: Is it too much to ask that Cundy gets to do this more than once in our lifetimes?

And the worst thing? As you stand there on the battleground quietly contemplating the crushing disappointment of yet another miserly care package carrying ammo or a bloody UAV, a better player - who you telegraphed your position to when you laid the CP marker - takes aim and snipes you dead. Either that or the care package just falls on your stupid head in one undignified insult to your inability to be any good at Modern Warfare 2. Seriously. Screw the care package.

35 comments

  • CommandantOreo - July 18, 2011 3:07 p.m.

    Ahh, bless me with someting amazing, oh lovely care package! A Chopper Gunner, eh? Wow! What luck! I've never even gotten up to a Sentry Gun yet!! Yay!!! *goes to grab care package* err...how am I supposed to get it? *looks at roof* /sadface
  • ultimatepunchrod - July 18, 2011 3:08 p.m.

    good list. i think america could have handled the whole death mushroom/mario 2 being too difficult thing, but then we wouldnt have the mario 2 that we have so i guess it all worked out
  • DarkTone - July 18, 2011 3:09 p.m.

    Care packages were like kinder suprises. Well, untill I got better.
  • cj12297 - July 18, 2011 3:15 p.m.

    I disagree with the care packages.
  • UsernameLoser - July 18, 2011 3:30 p.m.

    Isn't this basically the same thing as The Top 7...Collectibles not worth collecting at the bottom of page 4?
  • Cyberninja - July 18, 2011 3:35 p.m.

    @usernameloser no because the other article is zbout things like pedions inGTAIV
  • GR_DavidHoughton - July 18, 2011 3:38 p.m.

    No. Those are collectibles, these are power-ups. They're very different things. Check out both articles and you shall see. Oh yes.
  • db1331 - July 18, 2011 3:43 p.m.

    Care packages are cheap, and I wish every one would just give ammo. If you want a chopper or dogs, earn them like a big boy.
  • KdotLo - July 18, 2011 3:52 p.m.

    Arthur's fire bottle is great in MVC3!
  • MidianGTX - July 18, 2011 4:29 p.m.

    Totally missed the point of the Bubble Gun.
  • TheRandomFool - July 18, 2011 4:31 p.m.

    Sorry to be a spelling Nazi, but you used 'hoard' when you meant 'horde' on page 3. Good stuff otherwise though!
  • SolarPoweredShitMachine - July 18, 2011 4:42 p.m.

    I remember thinking to myself as a kid: "That purple mushroom's probably gonna hurt". Didn't stop me from getting it though...
  • metroid2099400 - July 18, 2011 4:50 p.m.

    I always hated those purple and blue potions in the early Prince of Persia games. Similar to the poison mushroom, I suppose.
  • Emperorgame - July 18, 2011 5 p.m.

    The cloud thing in Mario Kart makes you go faster on terrain that isn't part of the track. Example: All that green in the picture for Mario Kart. It can still be pretty useless it you don't get it at the perfect time, but it can also give you a bit of a lead if you're lucky.
  • KREATIVEassassin - July 18, 2011 5:28 p.m.

    A million times yes on the flaming blue jar thing from Ghouls 'n Ghosts. I've been playing a lot of Ghouls 'n Ghosts lately, and I would rather take a hit or die from an enemy than grab that "weapon."
  • batmanboy11 - July 18, 2011 5:44 p.m.

    Yeah, this is about right
  • Darkhawk - July 18, 2011 6:09 p.m.

    The Molotov was only ever good for one level in the entire "Ghosts" series. But man did it ever make that level easier. Ghouls 'n Ghosts, Genesis. Stage 4 boss. The boss in this level is this shelled maggot thing, which Arthur is actually standing on top of. Its weak points are on its body, and certain ones can only be damaged by standing directly above, jumping, and then shooting straight down. This is extremely tricky to do because not only are there smaller maggots crawling towards you, there are also flying worms above your head, making it impossible to jump half the time anyway. HOWEVER! The Molotov, being the only weapon that arcs downwards, makes it a lot easier. You can just crouch and lob fireballs down on to the weak points, and finish it off quickly and painlessly. Here's the boss in action. Unfortunately, this guy is using the spear so you'll see how much trouble he has: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SeVIMAVsPxQ#t=2m10s
  • Ampatent - July 18, 2011 6:10 p.m.

    Two things. The propensity of UAVs in care packages is a good thing because any FPS veteran will tell you that a UAV can change a match completely. Second, I imagine most of us would have figured out faster that the purple mushrooms were bad if the skull on them was actually distinguishable. Clever idea though.
  • rxb - July 18, 2011 6:11 p.m.

    The bombmerman skull is terrible but has resulted in some of my most hilarious memorable moments ever. The care package is a godsend for poor COD players, I stll remember the first time i got crushed by one, happy days......
  • EwoksTasteLikeChicken - July 18, 2011 7:02 p.m.

    What the hell is wrong with the care package? If you are bad at the game, you usually get choppers or airstrikes. If you're good, that's when you tend to get uav's and ammo. If you don't like it, don't put it as one of your killstreaks. It's as simple as that.

Showing 1-20 of 35 comments

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