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The Top 7... Climbers that make me wish I wasn't a horse

It's not easy being a horse, especially a horse who works in the videogames industry. Since I accepted the position of Senior Wildlife Editor at GamesRadar, I've had to make some serious adjustments to my lifestyle. Gone are the daily amenities I once took for granted at my old ranch in Agoura Hills. Small comforts, like my regular servings of ground oats are hard to come by in the heart of San Francisco. Do you have any idea how much fresh produce costs at my local market? And don't even get me started on the puny human portions at my local diner. 'Big breakfast,' my ass. But I digress.

It's no secret that I hold a certain level of distain for my bipedal gaming compatriots. But despite your weak frames and slovenly habits, I have always been jealous of a particular physical skill you humans have always excelled at: climbing. Unlike most non-horse gamers, I actually enjoy the occasional foray into what you hermetic humans refer to as 'outside.' I've swam in both the Atlantic and the Pacific Ocean, crossed the Mississippi River, and surveyed Yosemite National Park from the peak of the Half-Dome trail. But actual climbing, the physical act of moving oneself up vertically, has always been a dream dangly just beyond the reach of my powerful front hooves, which is why today, we're going to take a look at the Top 7 most important climbers in the history of gaming, the ones that make me wish I wasn't a horse.

 

 

7. The Climber, as seen in Crazy Climber


We begin with Crazy Climber, one of gaming's first sincere attempts to seriously explore the fine art of virtual climbing. The original Japanese arcade game was developed by Nihon Bussan (the creators of Booby Kids and Soldier Girl Amazon) and released in Japan in 1980. It was later brought over to the United States in 1982 by Taito America.

Crazy Climber was one of the first 'building-climber' games, setting the standard for many wall-scaling-type titles that followed. Players took control of a puny (and unnamed) human climber, the goal being to get to the top of the skyscraper. The angry residents of the skyscraper you were scaling didn't take kindly to your shenanigans. They did everything they could to thwart your progress, slamming windows shut over your weak non-horse digits and even tossing flower pots and bits of fruit to send you spiraling down to your doom.

But the most frightening challenge of all was the giant King Kong-like ape, which would harass your human climber during later stages in the game. The frightening creature would return in Crazy Climber Wii, a Japanese remake that was never released in western markets.


Above: There were many Crazy Climber ports for home consoles. Here we see Crazy Climber for the NES (left), and the return of the angry ape in Crazy Climber Wii (right) 


6. Lizzy, George and Raph, as seen in Rampage


I won't lie to you. As a horse, I experience a bit of schadenfreude every time I play Rampage. Although I love videogames and consider myself a member of the core gaming community, one can't be entirely pro-equestrian without being a bit anti-human. Perhaps that's why I'm drawn towards the rampant destruction of the human-made cities across North America in Rampage. Your concrete jungles may be impressive from a technological standpoint, but they've also been built over the trampled homes of my non-human ancestors. Believe me, the irony of me relishing in the act of laying waste to a human-made metropolis while enjoying the cozy comforts of your manmade arcades is not lost on me. But I digress.

If Crazy Climber laid the foundation for the building-scaling genre, then Rampage took that idea, and climbed with it to its highest peak. The three-player arcade game starred Lizzy (a Godzilla-like dinosaur), George (a King Kong-like ape), and Ralph (a gigantic werewolf). The goal was simple: destroy all the buildings and survive. Despite the size of these giant anthropormorphic monsters, they were quite nimble, allowing you to quickly scale buildings, hopping back and forth between towers as you pummeled them with your powerful fists.

Perhaps Rampage represents mankind's regret for replacing our pastoral plains with their concrete jungles. In the 1997 sequel Rampage World Tour, it was revealed that Lizzy, George, and Ralph's terrifying monster forms are the results of experiments by Scumlabs, an evil corporation headed by unethical and irresponsible non-horses.


Above: Rampage World Tour 

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60 comments

  • AA95mp - July 29, 2010 1:02 p.m.

    B Buttercup is climbing the mountain, why is he climbing the mountain?
  • camelfro - July 29, 2010 11:38 a.m.

    buttercup is....amazing!
  • LizarDAZZLE - July 28, 2010 2:43 a.m.

    I just bought Pokemon Platinum, caught a Ponyta, and named it BButtercup (a space wouln't have fit. THen it would have been B Buttercu). Do I win?
  • DrOfInsanity666 - July 28, 2010 12:36 a.m.

    Okay that was a little weird, but it was still a good article though.
  • GamesRadarJuniorWildlifeEditor - July 27, 2010 8:51 p.m.

    B Buttercuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuppppp!!!
  • Ravenbom - July 27, 2010 7:55 p.m.

    Like He-man and Prince Adam, or Superman and Clark Kent, B Buttercup and Tyler Nagata are never in the same room together... ...hmm... I wonder... Could Tyler be He-man?
  • shnazzyone - July 27, 2010 7:21 p.m.

    Obviously somebodies getting their top 7 ideas by shroomin'.
  • Howetzer - July 27, 2010 4:36 p.m.

    Seriously you went ahead and gave the nod to Prototype over InFamous? Youve got to be kidding...this was an article about CLIMBING things yes? Have you played InFamous? From the review flashbacks I'm having Im going to go ahead and say you didn't play either of those games, or you mixed them up in your mind or something. Also lets talk about the Shadow of the collosus thing, I know we're on hallowed Okami type sacred ground here with this game, but damn guys climbing the titans on GoW3 was WAAAAAY better, not to mentioned all the times he's climbed himself out of a little place called HELL! Jeeeze Buttercup, you seriously dropped the ball on this one. BUt I gotta give ya Rampage, I loved the hell outta that game!
  • crumbdunky - July 27, 2010 1:29 p.m.

    Including the godawful Hulk UD remake that was Protoype(where you really jump up the buildings more than climb anyway() rather than inFAMOUS which had, wire fences aside, the BEST climbing mechanics(and no Sly!?)ever done is a poor oversight imho. I truly cannot think of a good reason for Cole not to be on your equine wish list glue botherer-horse am FAIL AT LISTZ!
  • BornToLose3 - July 27, 2010 1:26 p.m.

    lol loved it, great article buttercup. Definately agree with number 1.
  • Ganonpork - July 27, 2010 12:17 p.m.

    O.O i gotta say this horse shit is weirding me out, like alot.
  • Wolverine08 - July 27, 2010 10 a.m.

    NO COLE OFF inFAMOUS!!!
  • philipshaw - July 27, 2010 9:50 a.m.

    Great Top 7, I love how buttercup says "I digress" so much. Wander had to be no1
  • ReadToLights - July 27, 2010 8:37 a.m.

    Horse made book lamp lol
  • BlackElement17 - July 27, 2010 8:23 a.m.

    I would have suggest Sly Cooper.
  • jmcgrotty - July 27, 2010 7:57 a.m.

    Thank God that Mirrors Edge wasn't mentioned. I was cringing from the start, waiting for that to show you. You did good, Buttercup. Go eat a carrot.
  • PipGirl - July 27, 2010 7:47 a.m.

    Well done Buttercup. You've done a great article. I loved the Desmond, Drake, but no Lara. Daaaaaaaaaw Buttercup, c'mon!!
  • AuthorityFigure - July 27, 2010 7:26 a.m.

    I was gonna' suggest Ice Climbers then I remembered that the game sux.
  • lovinmyps3 - July 27, 2010 6:13 a.m.

    I thought for sure Nate would be #1, but I forgot about Wanderer.
  • elpurplemonkey - July 27, 2010 5:36 a.m.

    God I love B Buttercup's articles.

Showing 1-20 of 60 comments

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