The art of modern video game war in 15 easy steps

TEN-SHUN! Listen up, MAGGOT! This knowledge might just save your life one day. The first rule of WAR is to KNOW YOUR ENEMY, and your enemy comes in MANY FORMS: terrorist, nazi, zombie, alien and zombie nazi. That’s FIVE FORMS, private.

I know what you’re THINKING, and that’s which one of your PUNY WEAPONS can you use to fight the GOOD FIGHT for the forces of all that is GOOD? Good news, cadet - you can use ALL OF THEM! One time I even tore a monster to death with my BARE HANDS. But you probably won’t get a chance to do that, soldier: if you’re in a recent game you’re stuck with TWO weapons at a time. Single player? Multiplayer? It makes NO DIFFERENCE.

What I’m TRYING to say is that there are RULES, private; rules that will help you keep your HEAD attached to your SHOULDERS by way of your NECK.

1. Assault rifles should be used for absolutely everything

What’s that, cadet? You think there are specific weapons that exist for certain roles? Wrong - get down and give me fifty! The only weapon you need is an ASSAULT RIFLE. Multiplayer, Singleplayer, it doesn’t matter: they can take out ANYTHING, provided you fire them in bursts of three.

2. Assault rifles should not be used on bosses

So you’ve just SLAUGHTERED a field of pitiful enemies only to end up slogging it out mano-et-mano with an armoured, possibly alien tank? That’s what I call a fair fight, son. You need a gun with balls! Dangerous, EXPLOSIVE balls that are propelled at dangerously high-speeds by powerful launchers. Just make sure you don’t miss, son: ammo is rare and we wouldn’t want to have to reload from an earlier save.

3. There's no 'team' in 'vehicle'

If your game is macho enough to feature drivable vehicles, you need to make sure you use them whenever possible. It doesn’t matter if you can’t drive because WAR doesn’t have all day. You need an example, maggot? Say you’re in the mood for sniping and need to get near the base of the enemy: GET TO THE CHOPPER. It’s like a taxi without having to pay a fare.

4. Expect the completely unexpected

Private, I’ve been about. I KNOW the score. Back in the old days, life was simple: all your squad would be killed in a horrible attack and you’d get genocidal on some bad guys. Modern shooters are so advanced they contain politics, which mean somebody is definitely going to turn on you. Fontaine, Shepherd, Guilty Spark, Rico, Harry Flynn, that evil dude from Rainbow Six: Vegas 2 - it’s GOING to happen, son. Do what I do, and mute the volume and close your eyes during cutscenes. Don’t get attached!

5. You can cap points when you're dead

REAL men don’t stand about by capture points and flags - they tear the heads off BEARS and use them as boxing gloves! I did some R+R a few years ago and ended up blowing up my shed because sitting still was so boring. Leave those sissy flags and points to the injured and clingy. There’s enemy forces out there, soldier!