SFX Spurious Awards

The sonic screwdriver makes an unexpected guest appearance; poetry in Chuck ; a very icky phone app; and more

POETRY OF THE WEEK

It seems fitting that in the week we had National Poetry Day, Chuck ’s Lester should turn out to be a budding Vogon. His “free-form no-holds-barred poetry slam” in the Buy More contained such gems as: “The flea-ridden masses infest my house/Do I cry?/Perchance to die?/ No, McFly/This game launch will not be televised.” No wonder the audience turned ugly.

WISHFUL THINKING OF THE WEEK

Apparently there’s no Bono or U2 in Fringe ’s alternative universe. Let’s all move there now! (is it any coincidence that Bolivia/Fauxlivia, or whatever you want to call her, mispronounces his name to rhyme with “Oh no”?)

OVER-GENEROUS ASSESSMENT OF THE WEEK

In Haven (US-pace) this week, Duke shows Nathan a bag full of dollar bills. “It’s counterfeit,” says Nathan, glancing at it casually. “It’s good. Really good.” Yeah, so good it takes Nathan about, oh, two seconds to recognise it’s fake. That makes it about as good as Monopoly money, surely?

STRANGEST SYNCHRONISED DREAM OF THE WEEK

Okay, so Allison Dubois in Medium has strange dreams all the time, but that doesn’t explain how she and hubbie Joe appear to be having a simultaneous nocturnal Highland Fling.

NIGHTCLUB OF THE WEEK

LONELY STAR WARS DEATH OF THE WEEK
Luke Skywalker died alone and unloved, we hear. But not that Luke Skywalker. In a sad cautionary tale about the dangers of changing your name by deed poll, a 43-year-old-man who had decided to call himself after the Star Wars farm boy passed away in Croydon recently. But, according to a story in the local newspaper, (which we spotted via Private Eye ), “he did not seem to have any close friends locally” and nobody seemed to know who he really was. The local council passed the case to undertakers the Rowland Brothers, who attempted to find some family or friends, but “the deed poll office are not allowed to give out a person’s former name or personal details.” So poor old Luke had a very lonely funeral, and any relations he might have had presumably believe he’s still alive, somewhere far, far away… Have you lost touch with a Star Wars -loving relative recently?

RETRO TRAILER OF THE WEEK
What if Alfred Hitchcock had directed Inception ? Featuring the music from Spellbound , it oddly feels all so, so right

LEAST IMPRESSIVE CLAIM TO FAME OF THE WEEK

Desperate for her 15 minutes, the hand model whose hands were photographed for the iconic cover of the first Twilight book is trying to get the recognition she feels she deserves… by carrying an apple around with her. Massage therapist Kimbra Hickey, who was paid £190 for the photoshoot, says, “I see people reading the book on the subway, and I say: ‘Those are my hands. I’m a hand model,’" and she produces the apple to prove it. At which point people on the subway get off at the next stop, presumably.

ICKY PHONE ACCESSORY OF THE WEEK
This has just been making us feel ill ever since our Jordan discovered it – a David Cronenberg-style phone charger. See how long you last before feeling queasy…

BEGGING LETTER OF THE WEEK
“Captain Jack Sparrow,
At Meridian on Old Woolwich Road, we are all a bunch of budding young pirates. Normally we're a right handful but we're having trouble mutinying against the teachers! We'd love it if you could come and help.
from
Beatrice Delap
aged 9,
a budding pirate”

You know what? It worked. Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 was being filmed just a few minutes away from the school, and Johnny Depp made a surprise visit in full costume for the assembly of a lifetime. He gave a 15-minute performance as Captain Jack, and warned Beatrice that mutinying against her teachers might get her into trouble. And thank god we live in an age when all kids carry camera phones.

POLITICAL PHOTOSHOPPERY OF THE WEEK
Congratulations to Sarah Plane and Jonas Foreman of Guardian Imaging for this biting piece of PhotoShop satire in The Guardian , featuring everyone’s favourite sweeping cuts-meister, jolly George Osborne, Chancellor Of The Exchequer and chief killjoy.

SURPRISE GUEST APPEARANCE OF THE WEEK
During a piece on The Sky At Night this week, we were a mite surprised when one of the astronomers building a giant radio telescope suddenly whipped out a sonic screwdriver and commenced scanning. Apparently the astronomer in question is a big Who fan, and just happened to have his replica sonic handy... (thanks to Russell Parker for bringing this to our attention).

MILDLY AMUSING SKIT THAT COULD HAVE BEEN MUCH FUNNIER OF THE WEEK
It’s a great idea: what if ITV had made Doctor Who in the ’70s as a typically un-PC comedy? And there are a couple of chortlesome moments here, but you can’t help thinking Enfield and Whitehouse are a bit past their best now, sadly. The FX are far too good as well. Where are the thick blue matte lines?