Nintendo's Big Secret: Highly Improbable Edition

Blast Corps
Probability: New Beatles album

The fact that there’s never been a massive outcry over the lack of a Blast Corps update is an apocalyptic shame. The desire to destroy public buildings, property and entire city blocks doesn’t necessarily make you a terrorist. Knowing this full well, Nintendo and Rare set out to make a game of positive destruction, where you’re given the reigns of bulldozers, dump trucks and giant robots that must clear a path for a runaway nuclear missile transport.

Why it’s unlikely:
Perhaps something so wonderful as piloting fortified hotrods and battle mechs, with the sole intention of bringing down architecture can’t exist in a post-9/11 world. But even worse, when Rare left Nintendo for the younger and savvier Microsoft, the bizarre love triangle left the fate of a depressing amount of stellar titles up in the air.

Battle Clash
Probability: Wayne’s World sequel

This is just a stupid oversight. Why would you make a make a console based around light gun mechanics and the capability to download older games just to deny a perfectly suited port like Battle Clash? The entire reason most people haven’t played this phenomenal mech-shooter is because it came with an overpriced, under utilized hunk of Nerfy refuse

But the time for a Battle Clash resurrection, and its sequel Metal Clash: Falcon’s Revenge, is nigh! Nintendo: Make with a Wii Remote compatible Battle Clash for the Virtual Console or - we swear to Christ! - we will recommend emulation.

Why it’s unlikely:
If a Battle Clash update hasn’t been a priority for three generations worth of Nintendo consoles, you can bet your ass it isn’t now.

Rad Racer
Probability: Bodaciously low

Mario Kart is fine and dandy, but where the hell is Nintendo’s unstoppable racing title? Okay, you’ve got PS2 ports by the barrelful, and enough budget crap-on-wheels to choke a hemi, but nothing you could call “Rad” with any amount of confidence. Hell, they’re not even tubular.

You raced for checkpoints instead of pole position, all the while trying to avoid other cars and palm trees. Luckily, your ride never took any visible damage, so you could call it a precursor to the Gran Turismo series. Best of all Rad Racer gave you unprecedented access to the Third Dimension with a push of the select button.

Above: If you had polarized glasses on right now, your socks would be clear across the room

Rad Racer had people playing for years, partly because Nintendo kept giving it ill-conceived peripherals like the otherwise useless Power Glove, but mostly because it was extremely fun while remaining impossible.

Above: Still.... So bad *cough*

Why it’s unlikely:
Apparently, the developer who cranked out Rad Racer and its sequel have moved onto other, non-racing venture. Squaresoft - maybe you’ve heard of them? But the shortsighted nomenclature is mostly to blame. Anyone using the word “Rad” deserves to be openly ridiculed in the exact same way any game today would be if it were titled “Krunk Racer” or “Nick Cannon’s Wild’n Out Whip Rizzle.”

Above: Nick Cannon’s Wild’n Out Whip Rizzle... game of the year!