Faces of death
Video games are still not great at recreating the intricacies of the human face. In fact all too often they don't so much fall into the Uncanny Valley as plummet head-first into the Deathly Chasm of "Oh God No Mum Take It Away It Haunts My Dreams". It's bad enough when games are just ransacking the tortured visages of their own characters, but when their vicious onslaught is applied to real people who we recognise from their existence in the real world? Hideous. Simply hideous.
And we accept it. But we shouldn't. These are celebrities we're talking about. They deserve better. So I've decided to draw attention to the problem via the stark emphasis that can only come by sticking video game celebs' faces into their live-action films. I'm definitely not doing it just for a laugh. This is important. So click on. It's going to get horrible.
Bruce Willis in Die Hard 2
As played by his video game self from Apocalypse, a AAA PS1 game designed as a vehicle for his star power. At no point in the game is his character described as being descended from toads.
Daniel Radcliffe in The Woman in Black
As played by his video game self from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. How do you make The Woman in Black scarier? Easy. You make its protagonist a hideous death-mask facsimile of his former self. Ghost vs. corpse. Whoever wins, our sleep patterns lose.
Carrie Fisher in Return of the Jedi
As played by her video game self from Star Wars: Masters of Teras Kasi. My most profuse apologies to every heterosexual male of my generation. I am fully aware that I have destroyed one of your most important, formative sexual touchstones. But to be fair, LucasArts did it first. And fear not, I'm going to ruin something for everyone else next.
Daniel Craig in Casino Royale
As played by his video game self from James Bond: Blood Stone. Shaken, and not so much stirred as disgusted and slightly confused. He looks like he's discovering the hard way that someone's done a poo in the sea. And to be fair, happening at the exact same moment his face collapses, that is going to be a day-ruiner.
Macauley Culkin in Home Alone
As played by his video game self from Home Alone 2. I can only presume that this is from the darker, more realistic, alternate ending, in which Harry and Marv run Kevin through all of his traps face-first, before tombstoneing him into a gravel pit several times over. Either that, or that aftershave really, really did burn.
Pierce Brosnan and Isabella Scorupco in Goldeneye
As played by their video game selves from Goldeneye 007. In which the old "Bond gets romantically interrupted at the end" trope takes a dark turn, as they fruitlessly bludgeon and chisel each other to death with their own faces.
Sylvester Stallone in Rambo
As played by his video game self from the comedically inept 2014 Rambo game. When he's pushed, Rambo might well find killing as easy as breathing, but that makes the whole process horribly dull and devoid of challenge, and so he finds no joy in his work. Look, this one's too good to only use once. I'm going to do a few more.
Rambo again
Still no joy, even though he's got a big gun. Come on Rambo, cheer up. It's a really, really big gun.
Rocky IV
Stallone can't even raise a smile while striking a blow with the mighty fist of patriotism.
Judge Dredd
He is the law, but he really can't be bothered with it, if he's being brutally honest. Go on, turn over that shop. He'll probably turn a blind eye as long as you don't hurt anyone. Even if you do, it'll just be a verbal warning. Because what's the bloody point?
It's okay, it's all over now
Amused? Horrified? Giving serious consideration to starting a Disinterested Rambo Tumblr? I know I certainly bloody well am. But whatever your feelings, share them here. We can get each other through this one.
And while you're here, check out some of our related stuff (and by related stuff, I of course mean "ridiculous Photoshop features based on a single, repeated joke"). Solid Snake doing mundane, unexciting jobs would be a good start, as would The Pikmin Suicides.
