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Classic mistakes rookies always make

Ah, noobs. With their awkward fingers and stupid questions, it's a wonder we ever let them near our joypads at all. Sure, it's nice to be charitable and get someone started in gaming, but sometimes it's just too hard to witness utter incompetence at your favourite games.

But instead of yelling, snatching the pad and showing them how it should be done, why not sit back, make encouraging noises and tick off each entry in our list of classic rookie mistakes?

Failing a QTE
What's that circle on the screen for? Which one is triangle? Oh, now I'm dead.


Above: And when they do get it, they'll complain their fingers hurt

Calling Sonic's rings 'coins'
Are you wearing a wedding coin? Did your Xbox 360 get the Red Coin of Death? Is your favourite horror movie called 'Coin'? Get off.


Above: Two beatiful wedding coins

Holding down the shoot button in PES or FIFA for 'power'
Holding down the button and filling the gauge makes the ball go in harder. But only in games made before 1996. All it does now is scoop the ball over the bar and into row G. So why are you still trying it?


Above: That's it - smash it, my son. Try to get it into the carpark

Playing as the wrong person
"Which one am I? I thought I was the woman with the huge knockers."


Above: What do you mean, hard luck? I'm the girl, aren't I?

Accidentally sliding the PSP's switch to 'Hold' and thinking the buttons are bust
Admit it – you've done it at least once.


Above: See? It's set to 'hold'. Oh yes, now it works

Pressing the wrong button in menu screens
X is yes, Circle is back. Either you're Japanese (who traditionally use the reverse configuration), or incompetent. Or possibly both.


Above: MGS on PSone uses Circle to start the game. This is the ONLY time you're allowed to be confused. But even then...  

Thinking four red lights is the Red Ring of Death
Actually it just means the TV cable isn't in properly – which is your own stupid fault.


Above: Saw this and threw your Xbox away? Duh! It wasn't broken

Doing a Shoryuken when trying to do a Hadouken
It wasn't obvious at all.

Trying to use the stylus on the top DS screen
Touch screen am fail.

 

Pushing 'Home' by accident
Have you seen how far away from the other buttons the guide is? Have you never used your thumbs before? Look - we're using our T-shirt to play the damn thing and still we never hit 'Home'. See if you can get back to the game without accidentally quitting, too.


Above: Even wildly playing Beijing 2008, we didn't hit 'Home' 

Cleaning the PSP's screen nice and firmly with a T-shirt
Oh, now it's all scratched. Yes. Yes it is.

Saving over the sole saved game slot with a brand new game
Tomb Raider. Pokemon. Learn from your mistake.


Above: "Since I deleted my save, it just feels like I'm in darkness, and I'm falling, and I keep on falling..." 

Moving an analog stick while turning on the machine
The car keeps turning right! It's broken! Best take the whole thing back, to the store. Yeah, or... you could just unplug the controller and plug it back in again.


Above: Nice neutral position. Wanna race?

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127 comments

  • Kotsu - July 21, 2009 12:17 a.m.

    My parent's got me a used PSP when it first came out... it had no instruction manual, so I had to learn how to actually shut it off on my own. Don't even remember how I found out.
  • nai1210 - July 14, 2009 6:56 a.m.

    that picture of picard on ds screen along with stylus on top screen is priceless,good work indeed.
  • sepirothpk - July 14, 2009 1:18 a.m.

    I actually make the button mistake often on my PSP, because I have a Japanese PSP, but largely play Australian sold games. I have to switch between the two which makes it hard when one of the funnest games is actually Japanese
  • Sandrock62 - July 13, 2009 10:50 p.m.

    What about when you save over you best save game with some new one instead of in the freakin EMPTY game slot...
  • Evey - July 13, 2009 6:17 p.m.

    Come on admit it, everyone does the T-Shirt one. Its just so convenient.
  • RANGERyo - July 13, 2009 9:45 a.m.

    im too pwn status to make those mistakes ive never made mistakes like these
  • SgtPoppenfresh - July 13, 2009 8:42 a.m.

    sadly i have turned the hold button on the psp. i nearly serviced it but i realised it was on hold! =|
  • Doctalen - July 13, 2009 3:26 a.m.

    I think I have done everyone of this mistakes except the PSP and the cutscene ones.
  • Demonflare - July 13, 2009 1:35 a.m.

    Hahaha! My dad thought the top DS screen was also touch screen and got so pissed. I just watch him, while I felt smart. :O And playing with the remotes upside down is hard yet confusingly fun!
  • jorhorror - July 13, 2009 12:49 a.m.

    I am an xbox man through and through, and to this day I still get the square and circle and triangle shit confused. I guess if it was introduced to me at birth than I would have It by now. I think i'll stick to nintendo and xbox 360
  • looky125 - July 12, 2009 6:39 a.m.

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  • man92 - July 11, 2009 9:08 p.m.

    i only missed 3 -4 mistakes. i m a hardcore noob. i have moved scratched 3 discs with my xbox, brand new cod 5, halo 3, and gears of war 2. i always do the butch cassidy ending at most of the fps.
  • Leonhart35 - July 11, 2009 4:57 p.m.

    I just have to say a quick word in the noobs favor here, yes they are annoying and yes they are idiots but they dont know what they're doing! its easy for someone whos racked up 500hours of online COD4 to laugh and point at someone who throws a grenade when trying to reload or manages to blind himself with a flashbang just before 3 guys come round the corner, just bear in mind that you were a noob once too!!
  • oryandymackie - July 11, 2009 11:08 a.m.

    Red Coin Of Death. Sonic FAIL.
  • oryandymackie - July 11, 2009 10:54 a.m.

    And where is "firsting" on this list??
  • MetalGearFlaccid - July 11, 2009 4:30 a.m.

    Yeah... I returned my 360 the day I got it when 4 red lights showed up... But now I is more smarter.
  • Necron - July 10, 2009 7:32 p.m.

    Calling Sonic's Rings 'Coins' Looks like Game Informer fails that one, LOL!! A quote from their review of Sonic Unleashed: "As much as I disliked lumbering through levels as Sonic’s hulky Werehog, I disliked hunting through the hub worlds looking for coins even more. Sega, if you really want to fix Sonic, the first thing you should do is stop trying to fix him."
  • NullG7 - July 10, 2009 5:31 p.m.

    Ok the analoug stick thing usally olny works on retro consils unless you are trying hard, and best list ever!
  • Denrok - July 10, 2009 2:45 p.m.

    Ugh... I absolutely hate the one about cutscenes! What's so freakin' hard about the transition from gameplay to cutscene and back again that some people just can't understand?
  • BigBossOSE - July 10, 2009 8:49 a.m.

    @Seabread You idiot, by making a point to say you don't care about being first, you have effectively become just as bad as the rest of the dumb first crowd...and in fact, I suspect you've been that dumb from the start. As for the 360 laser burning...I worked at a retail store and received countless 360 games in my section that the front desk had taken in as defective...it's really sad that people are getting rewarded with new copies instead of learning from their mistakes.

Showing 1-20 of 127 comments

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