8 characters you would never trust with your kids

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Games make great babysitters, but the characters within would be best kept at least 200 yards away

Parents like to claim that videogames are destroying our nation's youth, but that doesn't stop them using the Wii, Xbox 360 and PS3 as surrogate babysitters so they can continue having unprotected sex and squirting out more little toads that they won't look after properly.

With this in mind, it's clear that videogames and the characters within have a moral and social responsibility to our future generations. Basically, they all need to be qualified to look after our kids, and they're going to have to shape up pretty sharpish in order to meet our high childcare standards.


They say that one shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but let's be honest—if the book's cover says "creepy little midget in tight spandex will probably lick your eyes while you're asleep", then chances are good that you're dealing with a creepy little midget in tight spandex who will probably lick your eyes while you're asleep.

Tingle is obviously some kind of irreverent sex pest and should not be allowed near children, the elderly, animals and those recovering from invasive surgery. Some people just look like sex pests, and while it may be cruel to mistrust a man based only on his stature and dress sense, you can't take a risk when it comes to your kids. If you asked to look in the trunk of Tingle's car before leaving him alone with your child, nobody would be shocked if you found beer, a length of rope and a plastic bag full of condoms.

You need patience, compassion and a whole lot of heart when it comes to looking after children, and there's something about Kratos that tells us he might not be quite cut out for the gig. It might be the lack of clothing, the chained blades fused to his arms, or his tendency to shout all the time. It could also be the fact that he's a mass-murdering psychopath who cuts open any unfortunate soul who so much as looks at him funny… including his own wife and daughter.

Kids are amazingly annoying entities, able to push the limits of even the firmest temper. We have a feeling that if we let our screaming, demanding, irritating little offspring within fifteen yards of Kratos, who doesn't even take crap from Olympian Gods, it would be a matter of seconds before we were trying to peel Junior's face from the ceiling.