The humble commode, a necessity of civilised society, yet in cinematic history there are several examples of toilets so disgusting that you'll feel unclean next time you even glimpse porcelain.
On hand to help us take a look at these filthy movie thrones is the Sultan of Cess himself - everyone's favourite Human Waste Technician, Kenny.
So, without further adieu, let's pull down our trousers and pants, and begin.
WARNING: HIGHLY DESCRIPTIVE AND DETAILED ACCOUNTS OF FILTHY FACILITIES FOLLOW
Next: Trainspotting [page-break]
Fear and Loathing in Edinburgh as a group of young heroin addicts struggle to keep their lives on track.
The Loo Location: Back of a bookies, somewhere in Edinburgh.
Why We Want To Flush It: There have been cleaner wars. A half-inch deep puddle of piss water covers the floor, the walls are caked with brown stains; not one surface is free of faecal filth.
The throne itself is a soggy, shit-stained sham, sans seat. We dare you not to vomit as Renton digs down amongst his diarrhoea, fingers covered in crap, to find the ironically gleaming white suppositories he’s just ejected.
When he fantasises about sliding into the toilet and swimming in the vast pool underneath, the appearance of a sea-mine says it all – the toilet is not only hazardous to your health; it’ll kill you.
Kenny Says… “In my line of work we’ve got a way of dealing with a loo like that, it’s called dynamite. I wouldn’t wish that on my wife.”
Next: Dumb and Dumber [page-break]
Half-wit buddies Lloyd and Harry set off on a road trip to Aspen in order to return a case to the gorgeous Mary Swanson.
The Loo Location: Mary’s Mansion, Aspen, Colorado
Why We Want To Flush It: Harry (Jeff Daniels), the victim of a Turbo-Lax spiked drink, explosively evacuates his bowels on a toilet he doesn’t know is broken, while Mary (Lauren Holly) waits outside.
Probably the most lavish loo on this list, you can’t get away with the filth on display in other crappers - but the hapless Harry can only watch as his liquefied crap sprays the inside of the formerly pristine bowl.
Pants around ankles, Harry manages to lift the toilet from the floor and slop the pureed poop out of the window, though we’re not sure how he’ll explain it to Mary – never has a man needed a flushing mechanism more.
Kenny Says… “A man after my own heart, not afraid to get stuck in when the shit hits the pan. Throwing turds out of a window is not recommended, but bugger me if it isn’t hilarious.”
Next: Street Trash [page-break]
Video nasty about a liqueur store owner who finds a case of Viper in his cellar, and sells it to hobos at $1 a bottle – problem is that Viper has some nasty side effects – melting you from the inside out.
The Loo Location: Torn down industrial building, New York
Why We Want To Flush It: The John here is probably no worse off for having a hobo basically shit out his entire body through his arse, after all, an abandoned building is hardly going to have stringent hygiene codes.
After taking a single swig of his bottle of Viper, the hobo begins to melt, becoming a putrid blue sludge in a matter of seconds. His flesh liquefying, his bones turning to compote, he screams in agony…
Perhaps they’ve run out of bog roll, perhaps his own impending transformation into something a Smurf might shit has hit home. The point is - who knew that drinking on the toilet is so bad for your health?
Kenny Says… “My brother once distilled his own whiskey, which had a similar effect. Thought I’d shit out my lungs after taking a swig.”
Next: Casino Royale [page-break]
Bond reboot following the super spy as he tries to stop an international arms dealer by entering a high stakes game of poker.
The Loo Location: Unnamed Public Convenience, Prague, Czech Republic
Why We Want To Flush It: Public bathrooms; never an appetising prospect. They’re bad enough when it’s just skid-marked seats, piss-stained floors, hypodermic needles and puddles of vomit.
But Bond, never satisfied, has to go and add a dead body to the mix. Selfish prick. We feel sorry for the henchman, while others get the dignity of dying in a Secret Volcano Base, he dies in a public piss pot. Boo.
The floor is flooded, sinks shot off the wall, mirrors smashed, and the cubicles demolished, meaning the dirty pervs who frequent such places will be able to watch you having a poo. Bad times for bowel movements.
Kenny Says… “Found a floater in a septic tank once; my ex-wife. Next time I’ll try and hide the body better.”
Next: Reservoir Dogs [page-break]
Stylish heist drama without the heist, the Dogs commit a jewellery job that goes wrong, and then try to work out if there’s a traitor in their midst.
The Loo Location: Fictional train station bathroom, Los Angeles.
Why We Want To Flush It: This toilet is full of filth it’s true, but perhaps not the kind you’d be expecting. It’s full of pigs you see, fuzz, dirt… in other words, police; and they’re gonna make you so nervous you’ll forget how to piss.
Undercover Agent Mr. Orange (Tim Roth) is telling the rest of the gang his commode story, an anecdote designed to give him kudos among his criminal peers. Anecdote or not, that’s one shitter we’re steering clear of.
Yes, the facilities are top notch, and clean, but its just that here at TF we’ve got a jacket… one that’s made from parking fines, and well, we’d rather pee our Spider-Man boxers than do a stretch.
Kenny says… “Even in my vast experience, I’ve never come across a way of getting rid of that kind of filth. Found a truncheon blocking a shit pipe once, but the less about that the better.”
Next: The Shawshank Redemption [page-break]
Prison saga chronicling the friendship of lifers Andy and Red, while they serve their time at Shawshank State Prison in Maine.
The Loo Location: The sewer pipe underneath Shawshank Prison.
Why We Want To Flush It: What is the price of freedom? Is it a crawl through half a mile of shit in a pipe you’re barely big enough to fit in? Ask us after we’ve done 20 years for a crime we didn’t commit.
But with 20 years to plan the perfect escape, we would have probably worked out a way to flush the faeces out of the pipe before we had to climb through it.
The thought of crawling face first through years of poorly nourished prisoners poop, fetid excrement caked on to your face, in your nostrils, your mouth – it’s enough to make prison seem a good alternative.
Kenny Says… “That’s what I consider a good day. I’d be down that pipe quicker than a curry through your colon.”
Next: Slumdog Millionaire [page-break]
Feel good drama about a boy’s rise from the slums of Mumbai to winning both a fortune on national TV and the heart of the woman he loves.
The Loo Location: Juhu Slums, Mumbai, India
Why We Want To Flush It: Less of a toilet, more like The Shitting Fields, this massive open cess pit cuts out unnecessary plumbing, and dumps your load straight onto the shit tip.
The ocean of excrement is one of the most repulsive sights in cinema, not only because of the hundreds of tonnes of turdage, but because it is so close to people’s homes.
This toilet gives new meaning to the phrase “Up shit creek”. When Jamal decides to go for a faecal frolic, he emerges covered head to toe in the stuff, a veritable poopsicle.
Kenny says… “I’ve seen something similar at Big Day Out back ’96; a couple of the toilets leaked a river of shit and piss right through the camp.
Best practical joke I ever pulled - that'll teach the hippies.”
Any toilets that make you want to vomit? Leave a comment...
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